My whole life I have either told myself I’m bad, or spent so much energy trying to control those parts of me that I thought were bad.
This has led me to reject a huge part of myself and never really let anyone in. So many of us do this!
We hold on to the ideals of what we think we should be and then judge others for not living by our rules.
Since my childhood, and being told that my sexuality is bad, and Jehovah doesn’t like that part of me, I’ve held on to the belief that if God who loves everyone unconditionally doesn’t love me, then obviously I need to try my best to be someone else to be worthy of love.
Sex and masturbation have been so deeply filled with shame that it’s caused me to cheat, objectify, be disrespectful and hurt people I love.
As a result of this it has just showed me more proof that I am bad.
My sexuality is unsafe and when I am in sexual pleasure it causes me to hurt people.
It’s been a journey of so much pain, heartbreak and suffering but now I am ready to bring my most powerful self into my relationships, my business and the world.
Lastnight I had the courage for the first time ever in my life to fully open up about my sexuality and it felt so liberating.
Charis looked at me with such love and she said to me “I’m so proud of you and I am excited to be by your side supporting you in your most powerful version of yourself”
Everything that I’ve been through in my life has been part of God’s plan (not Jehovah, Actual God, the totality, the source of creation, unconditional love),
I needed to be brought up in a religious cult and experience such deep religious wounding and trauma,
I had to hurt my first love (as much as I wish I didn’t, and I know in time we will be able to have a friendship),
I had to go through the experience of being treated as a rapist (innocent until proven guilty isn’t actually a thing when you’re arrested by the way),
I had to live in fear of rejection all the while rejecting myself,
I have to be terrified of intimacy and only experience what it was like partially letting someone in,
I had to experience it all because without it I would NOT be able to fully understand what self rejection looked and felt like.
I needed to understand that because God has put me here to support you all into stepping into your true selves and expressing yourselves in whatever feels right for you.
No more fear of judgement,
No more settling,
No more playing small in the world,
I am a beacon of light for you all to guide you into your power so that you stop rejecting parts of yourself and holding on to all the limiting stories you have around ‘I’m not good enough’
You are more powerful than you know!
I recognise that this post and picture will trigger you into wanting to judge me,
What I would invite you to do is first of all ask yourself what is this trigger trying to teach me.
Because your ego will be wanting to keep you safe and by doing so it will cause you to put me in a box and label me.
I also understand that this will cause you to want to label me and my sexuality,
This too is ok,
It’s your ego wanting to keep you safe so that YOU don’t get judged,
I want you to know that whatever feelings this post brings up in you is absolutely perfect,
But it’s in these triggers that we learn the most about ourselves and get an opportunity to be aware of what part of us needs more love.
So I’m going to leave you now and give you the time and space to reflect,
But for now if you need a label to put on me to make you feel more safe,
I am a son of God.
If any of this resonates and you’d like to gain the confidence to be able to start showing up in your life and relationships fully instead of feeling like you have to hide/reject parts of yourself then my brand new 6 Week Breakthrough Programme it’s for you.
It’s a program that I’ve only been able to create now since fully stepping into my most powerful self and no longer rejecting any parts of me.
It’s a program that will allow you to look at all the areas of yourself that you are keeping hidden through shame and those stories that I’m all too familiar with ‘if I show someone this side of me they will reject me’
We go into self sabotage and how you are keeping yourself locked in victimhood,
I will teach you tools that will help you navigate your everyday life so you are much more aware of these patterns and know how to deal with them instead of feeling powerless.
Like I said it’s taken me my whole life, a shit load of money and even more energy and courage to get to this point on my self love journey,
So this program absolutely WILL reflect that.
How can you honour yourself right now instead of continuing to play small?
When I first heard that a couple of years ago, it hit with an element of shame attached to it,
funny that considering my whole life has been a whole barrage of shame due to good old religious programming and conditioning.
rationally I knew what the term meant but what I heard was a gentle whisper of ‘you’re not a man unless you sort your shit out’ and this blog is all about ‘my shit I needed to sort out/heal’
For so much of my life I have been terrified of true intimacy, I would never let people get too close, whether you were a friend, a family member, or an intimate partner I would only invite you in so far.
Now I believe that this is our work as individuals and as a collective human race to create the safety to remove those barriers around our heart,
Firstly for ourselves, and this is what will allow us to be fully expressed in the world, which leads to unadulterated, unapologetic, self expression and the deepest connections we all truly desire.
What needed to be healed in me was a belief that I was bad/dirty/wrong/self-abusive/sinful and basically unlovable.
Now where did this belief come from?
I’ve got to pause here for a second and take 3 deep slow breaths
My inner child is now clinging on to my leg and pleading with me not to share this because he is worried we will be laughed at, judged and he is scared that it will put us back in that state of suffering i’ve been in effectively for 20+ years since it happened.
Sorry back in a second I just need to console him.
“Young Dan, I want you to know that i’m so grateful that you are expressing your fears and concerns with me, and I completely understand where they are coming from, because I too, am a little unsure, but I want you to know that whatever happens i’ve got you, and I always will have you, your loving big brother Dan”
Sorry about that everyone lets proceed…
So when I was about 11 or 12 as a young Jehovahs witness boy me and another Jehovahs witness friend of the same age began experimenting with eachother.
Now neither of us really knew what we were doing, and we also ‘knew’ that it was wrong and Jehovah wouldn’t be happy about it, but being the age we were, our hormones and curiosity were far stronger than the feelings of ‘wrongness’ that were also present.
This went on for a few months.
It came to a very abrupt ending when my friend could no longer deal with the guilt of what we were doing.
Both his parents were very ‘in’ the religion, and I think possibly this was why he felt far more guilt than what I did.
My mum was a Jehovahs witness and my dad wasn’t, so as much as my mum tried to steer me on to the ‘right path’ singlehandedly my mum was unable to indoctrinate me into those teachings as much as his parents were.
By the way I just want to be clear that I don’t hold on to any judgments about our parents being better or worse than eachother, just parents that were doing what they believed were the best things for their children.
He told me that he was going to tell his parents as he couldn’t do it anymore because he knew it was wrong.
This terrified me even as a young boy because I knew the extent of how ‘bad’ this was that we’ve been doing.
After all this came out we were spoken to by the elders (you could call them priests I suppose) and they had the job of telling us how wrong it was and why Jehovah would not approve of it.
Now as i’m sure you can imagine as a 11 or 12 year old boy, being told this by fully grown men, the message they were trying to convey was not the message that I heard.
The most vivid memory I have of this whole experience is one of me and my mum.
My mum and dad had a little table just as you walked into their bedroom with 2 chairs and this is where we would sit and have our weekly bible studies.
We used to have regular bible studies which I actually really enjoyed because it was time that me and my mum had together.
After all this came out we had a bible study about why this behaviour needed to stop.
Now this is how the memory looks to me and I can’t explain it or see it any other way.
I am standing behind me and my mum sat at the table as the adult version of me right now.
My mum is showing me scriptures from the bible explaining to me why Jehovah wouldn’t approve.
I see my mum next to a little boy feeling inadequate, feeling embarrassed, feeling scared that he had let his mum and dad down and I see him just shrinking more and more into the chair.
Strangely enough, you may think, I also see my mum as a holy being, a nurturing loving mother who was trying her best to ‘save me’ (if you’re unaware of the Jehovahs witness fundamental teachings then effectively if you go against Jehovah he will murder you along with everyone else that isn’t a Jehovahs witness at Armaggedon) and this is something i’m trying to help my mum recognise, as she holds on to a lot of guilt around raising her 2 boys in religion and how it has affected us, even though I think she also still believes the teachings.
Which by the way mum, you could never be or do anything that would make me stop loving you, my love for you is not out of choice, I don’t choose to love you, I just love you unconditionally, full stop.
Now this whole traumatic experience created a HUGE amount of shame that I have only been consciously aware of for the last few years.
This is where my absolute terror comes from when I think about letting someone fully into my heart.
The story i’d created was that if God who is unconditional love is telling me this part of me is wrong, then how can I ever trust a mere human to tell me otherwise?!
4 years ago when I went through the toughest time ever in my life after being arrested for an allegation of attempted rape, I knew then that I had created this unconsciously because I needed to heal the little boy in me that was still holding onto shame around sexuality.
funnily enough this pushed me even further down into shame and I NEEDED an outlet for this shame which at the time I didn’t consciously choose but became ‘my thing’ for being seen.
I was trying to rewrite this story into a much healthier, liberating story that didn’t leave me feeling ‘bad’.
since going through therapy (i’ve just finished this week my 3 month journey) I have been able to recognise what I was actually recreating…
So my thing became being watched masturbating either in person (while on cocaine) or over video call.
This was me crying out for the validation that in fact I wasn’t bad and I was normal.
Unsuprisingly knowing what I know now, what I was actually recreating and perpetuating, was this cycle of shame, it never filled that void, and it never made me feel good enough, all it done was leave me feeling worse and believing the story that i’m bad, even more.
The most profound thing my therapist enabled me to recognise came from a simple question that i’d NEVER been asked and i’d never even asked myself…
That question was,
“When you and your friend were doing what you were doing did you enjoy it?”
This literally halted me in my tracks and brought me to my knees because in all of this and all of these years of holding on to this story I never even thought about if I enjoyed it!
I sat their for about 30 seconds in silence just looking at her and feeling what was coming up…
I have never ever thought about that or been asked that, but yes I did enjoy it and I didn’t want it to stop.
Realising this and being able to admit it to myself and to her, instantly brought so much relief with it, because in that moment I connected with the real me, the part of me that had been shoved so far down and had been residing in that fiery pit of hell/shame and was now invited to come out with ZERO judgement.
She went on to help me realise that as a result of me enjoying it but being told I was wrong for it so much of my sexuality was attached to ‘well if it’s bad then I enjoy it and if I enjoy it I must be bad’
Now this was SOOOO profound and hit me straight in the truth (where we actually live, our truth, who we really are) and with that a huge feeling of self compassion engulfed me, I could see that innocent 12 year old boy in every ‘mistake’ i’d made and I could let go of all the hurt i’d caused because I too was in pain through all of it.
Now I would not be here now if it wasn’t for my girlfriend.
3 years ago when we met I had started ‘doing the work’ and i’d been blogging regularly for a few months, which was kind of like my therapy, and another way for me to be seen without actually REALLY being seen.
Anyway, she resonated with a blog I wrote about loneliness (I used to write a lot of blogs about how I was currently feeling) that blog I wrote had planted a seed and a few weeks later she reached out.
we got speaking and for 9 months built a friendship that really was the catalyst for my healing.
Charis invited me out of my own suffering and really showed me what unconditional love was,
It has taken me 4 years to feel worthy of it, but if it wasn’t for her love at a time when I couldn’t love myself, I would not be the man I am today!
Charis was my reward from God for ‘starting the work’ and has supported me and inspired me every single day,
In fact it was only because of her that I started having therapy.
She was my strength and my safety to truly surrender to love and intimacy.
These last 11 months have really been a metamorphosis of deep deep transformation, where I can now be that loving nurturing big brother or parent of ‘little Dan’ and give him exactly what he needs whenever he is feeling scared or less than.
I really see my work now as a practise of having the courage to bare all, and every time I look for something or think about something in the form of intimacy outside of my relationship, to firstly be aware of that being an old fear based programme running in the background, and acknowledge 12 year old Dan just feeling afraid.
I don’t believe that 1 partner can give us everything, but I also believe we don’t get to forfeit the possibility of first of all giving our partner the opportunity to be however that may look.
I have to first of all fully express myself and my desires to my partner, then and only then can I think about outsourcing.
This is my work.
My mission or purpose if you will, in this world, is to be a light for others to see just how beautiful unapologetic self expression is, and empower them to step more into who they truly are.
Vulnerability is my superpower,
Are you ready to uncover yours…
The Beatles meeting me and my mum 2 years ago in Liverpool.
We have so much fear about opening up and allowing others to see our humanness, because we’ve been conditioned to believe that being vulnerable is a weakness, I wonder why ‘they’ would have us believe that our superpower (vulnerability), you know the thing that creates strong connections with other human beings is a weakness 😉…
Ok look I’m not here to go down the rabbit hole of the elite, and how they want to keep us disconnected from our natural state, and how they want us to see ‘them’ as our saviours so we give up all our power…
I’m here to talk to you about the lessons I’ve learnt over the last 12 months, and how I think they can benefit you if you relate my story to your life, and look at the crossovers between the words that are coming out of me and the thoughts and experiences that are part of you.
If we always remember that we have an invisible thread connecting us all this will help us to see the eternal ‘us’ instead of the separate me and you.
So just over 12 months ago I began a deep journey of reconnecting to myself.
I had spent the last few years holding on to an identity that I had become ashamed of and I had attached so much of that identity to Dan the PT.
I’d been a PT for years and originally my reasons for wanting to become a PT were;
⦁ I’d spent a few years just going from job to job just wishing my life away and lacking confidence, but most of all purpose, I knew there was more to life than just working 40+ hours in a shitty job to pay bills and get pissed at the weekend because I was bored.
⦁ I’d been going to the gym and had always been sporty and active my whole life and that is what made me feel the most alive.
⦁ Being a naturally slim lad all my life, and then building some muscle gave me so much more confidence, and I wanted to help other people experience the benefits that I too have experienced.
⦁ I knew that I still struggled with confidence, and the only way to grow was to step out of my comfort zone and do something I loved.
⦁ I had told one of the women I worked with that I was going to apply for an apprenticeship to become a personal trainer, to which she responded “you will never make any money being a pt and if you put the hours in here you can earn good money” btw that ‘good money’ was about £1600 a month! This gave me the kick up the arse to get out of that hell hole even faster.
⦁ I had a couple of people that doubted me and a couple of ‘mates’ that would laugh at me when I told them how much I earned, this again was more fuel to the ‘i’ll show you’ fire.
⦁ I loved the feeling I got when I would help people, even if that help was being a listening ear to someone, it gave me a feeling of purpose.
Now a lot of my reasons were to either prove to others I could ‘do it’, to build my self confidence, or to help people, and that is what enabled me to open a pt studio and grow my business in 6 months from £900 a month to £5000.
But the shit hit the fan as you’ve read in other blogs and that sent me on a downward spiral of drink, drugs and instant gratification seeking.
As I started to come out the other side of that low point in my life, I began (as I think we all do) demonising that old version of me, and instead of having a little self compassion, I began judging those behaviours in others, because I was still ashamed of those parts of myself.
This lack of empathy for myself that I was projecting onto others made me go into my shell, because in my mind I had told myself that this version of me that I didn’t like, would only come out if I had mates.
This meant that I isolated myself, which come with some backlash from people that I didn’t expect which then resulted in me attaching even more weight to the belief I had created around me being ‘better off on my own’.
From January 2020 I spent my days training clients, going for long 2+ hour walks on my own listening to self development podcasts, and the little time I did spend with other humans beings were Charis and her family.
Valentines day 2020 me and Charis had booked a lovely little air bnb (courtesy of my mum) in lytham st annes, and I’d booked us lunch at the cat café in Preston.
This was our first real glimpse of living together with the added bonus of being right next to the beach, and in a lovely little seaside town.
I instantly fell in love with the place, and waking up next to Charis those few mornings and planning our days together which consisted of a gorgeous walk along the beach (even though it was freezing cold) just made me realise exactly what I wanted, and I was determined to make it a reality.
Charis was due to be started her masters degree at UCLAN (Preston uni) in september 2020, but by the end of March the world was shut down because of a deadly flu virus 😉, I’ll leave that discussion out of this blog.
Strangely enough by the start of April I had been given my 30 days notice by my landlord on my PT studio, which came as a surprise but was actually the best thing that happened to me.
This was the kick up the arse I needed to stop PT’ing, and really figure out exactly what it was I wanted to do.
So I spoke to Charis, and we decided that we would move away from Sudbury, and move up to Lytham st. Annes.
I spent the majority of April selling my gym equipment with no real clue what I was going to do for an income.
My plan a year prior to this was to be an online coach, and build my online business to a point where I could drop most, if not all of my in person clients, as my dream has always been to have locational freedom, to be able to decide at the drop of a hat that I want to go and move across the country, or the world, and not have any ties anywhere, my therapist has told me this is due to my religious upbringing which was very regimented in what I could or couldn’t do.
But the thing was, I no longer wanted to having any attachments or reminders of ‘Dan the PT’, and as much as I loved the deeper behaviour change coaching I was now doing along side my face to face pt stuff, it was still a part of me that I hadn’t healed which obviously meant I needed to discard it just like those friendships.
The start of May we had found a property, and although the world had gone crazy and people were telling us we won’t be able to move, not once did I doubt that we would be going.
See the thing with me is, if I want something I will do whatever it takes to get it, because I never want to be on my death bed and think about all the times in my life I made excuses and didn’t go after what I wanted.
I was in constant communication with the estate agents, and after paying our deposit and fees they had told us that on the 16th May, all we needed to do was drop into their office and pick up the keys.
We were moving 260 miles north of everything and everyone we’ve ever known!
Now I didn’t really have any ties to Sudbury anymore, didn’t really see any of my family much, didn’t have a business I needed to stay in Sudbury for, and there was nothing that I had to sort out, it was literally just a case of packing my clothes and driving up north.
Charis on the other hand, was living with her family and she’d just left a job and all her friends, so for her, this really was a big deal.
We packed the car and began the long but very exciting journey to start a new chapter in our lives, and with every mile closer to our new home, brought with it more and more freedom.
We were so excited getting the keys, because not only was it our first place together, but it was a brand new chapter, and the start of OUR chapter in really building a life together.
We spent the first few days sleeping on our sofa because our bed wasn’t turning up until a week later, but looking back now almost a year on, this was half the fun (as my mum would remind me) this always made me think of the question,
‘Would you want to win the lottery?’ My honest answer is no.
For me i’m not money motivated, sometimes I wish I was, but the truth is, my biggest value is growth, and the journey is far more important to me than the ‘destination’, it’s all about self exploration that is driven by a curiosity to learn who I am, which i’ve come to realise is through the journey of learning who i’m not.
One of my favourite memories is putting together a chest of drawers with Charis while we were drinking ciders on a warm summer evening, admittedly it brought back some feelings around my first relationship, and starting a new life with someone, but it was from the perspective of how far i’ve come, how sorry I am for the pain and heartache I caused because of my own ‘stuff,’ and being hit by this feeling of ‘I never ever want my stuff to hurt someone again’
Now of course we all have things we struggle with, but as soon as we have the awareness to recognise our ‘stuff’, we have to start taking responsibility to heal, and our intention behind it I believe should be, because we deserve to experience all the love in the world, and anything that makes us feel unworthy of that love is a direct invitation to love that part harder and is exactly where ‘the work’ is.
we spent the next 6 weeks or so living as if we were on holiday, and we were just excited everyday to lay on the beach, drink ciders and eat fish and chips, we’d found 2 gluten free fish and chip shops so of course it would be rude not to!
by July I kind of needed some routine back in my life and I knew it was time to again focus on self growth, I invested in a high end coachng programme at £3200 for 12 weeks, which was an amount i’d never invested in myself before, but I kind of just knew that this was going to be transformational for me,
Self growth motivated, not money motivated ;).
These 12 weeks brought up some things that were challenging for me, but being part of a group of growth oriented men, in a container that was liberating and loving, was like nothing i’d ever been a part of, and being able to share things with zero-judgement was huge for me.
At the end of the 12 weeks I came away with a handful of really close friends that I regularly keep in touch with, and would now consider some of my closest friends i’ve ever had, you know the type of friends where you don’t have to be anything or anyone other than yourself…
Now it was far more obvious to me who I am meant to be helping!
I am meant to be helping men that have had all these same feelings of unworthiness that i’ve had, and help them out of that dark hole that we all get stuck in at certain times in our lives, and be the light for them when they are ready to look up,
I know I can now be that helping hand up for them, to start creating the life they truly deserve, while we work through all those uncomfortable feelings and beliefs together.
Now I was filled with a deep sense of purpose, I set about creating a coaching programme based around my own journey and the modalities i’d learnt and used myself along the way.
I had just created my new programme and was like a kid in a candy store, the only difference was, I knew I could have it all, there was no limits!
The next morning I wrote a post about where I was 3 years ago, and where I am now, I spoke about being arrested for an allegation of attempted rape, and how I ended up in £10k worth of debt and living in my PT studio, and how investing in myself and committing to my health has got me to where I am now.
I posted this in a Facebook group for entrepeneurs and it’s got something like 17k people in there.
My post sparked a conversation with someone via messenger, he had told me he was in a similar situation, or atleast knew how I had felt back then and he was scared of going down that path and losing the life he now has.
We booked a call for a day later and he opened up about where he currently is, and how he is ready to commit to himself.
I told him I knew I could help him and we went through how it would look us working together for 12 weeks, and that the programme was £1000.
he said ‘let me speak to the mrs’
30 minutes later he messaged me saying, you know what let’s do it, i’m in, I know this is exactly what I need!’
I always remember this moment because we never knew eachother, and apart from a 30 minute call, he put all his faith into me, and was willing to invest £1000 without any real proof that this was going to be what he needed, heck he didn’t even know if I was legit or if i’d take his money and ghost him!
Since this point my business has grown, and the more I align with who I am, and share the REAL me, the more I feel alive, and get to help other amazing men that want more for their lives!
This is where it really takes off for me…
6 weeks ago I started counselling because I knew that I was still holding on to shame around religious ‘stuff’ linked to sexuality, and this I knew was impacting how I show up in my relationship, I liken it to a part of me that i’ve locked away, and I knew that having a space to sit in uncomfortable feelings and be validated would be exactly what I need to really open my heart to the world.
Since I started my blog a few years ago I have always been very open and raw about the things i’m currently going through, the reason for this is because for me it’s kind of like my therapy, it’s a way for me to be who I truly am, I don’t know what it is about writing but I find it so cathartic, and liberating, but i’ve always held this belief that my writing has to be separate from my business.
My writing (effectively the real me) has to be separate from my business, because it’s unprofessional and I need to be a certain way for people to buy into me.
This always left me feeling unfulfilled, and what i’d done was create a huge divide, again this comes back to my religious trauma that had me believe I am either GOOD or BAD.
I now no longer hold on to that belief that I have to divide parts of myself up, it just comes down to my willingness to be vulnerable, and my motivation for being vulnerable is so I can empower others to always be true to themselves, and STOP putting on different masks in order to ‘fit in’
At the end of the day not everyone will get me, and not everyone will like me, but as long as I like me, and I follow my heart, life will always be a beautiful adventure that is full of twists and turns, and amazing opportunities, and I REFUSE to be the limiting factor in experiencing ALL of life!
All those parts of me that i’ve hidden, discarded and shamed, I am now grabbing hold of, and reconnecting them, and I promise I will NEVER abandon any part of me again, i’ve done it for far too long, and I owe it to myself and those closest to me to bring all of me :).
My business and my writing are extensons of me, and are no longer separate entities that I judge and use for validation, I am now whole and am creating from a FULL heart, and not a heart that is begging to be mended or healed through people pleasing or playing small.
“Thankyou past Dan” as I wrap my arms around him and pat him on the back.
“You done exactly what you needed to do, you done your best, i’ll take us from here”
“I’ve got us”
What i’ve learnt…
Not everyone is meant to stay with you through every part of your life, and this does not mean that anything is wrong with you, OR them but just like day gives way to night the only permanent in life is change.
You can’t think your way through life, you have to FEEL your way through life and this means experiencing ALL of it, the highs and the lows and everything in between.
My worth is not attached to other peoples opinions of me, and is directly attached to my ability to love, and be loved, caveat… I am ALWAYS worthy of unconditional love.
Vulnerability is my superpower!
Everything I want is already inside of me I just have to shine a light in the darkness and not live in fear of what I might find.
It’s ALL LOVE!
I am capable of disgusting atrocities and every time I judge someone else for something I am instantly judging myself.
We are all one!
I am not my body or my thoughts, but the awareness behind it all.
happiness is a shitty metric to live your life by, because it’s an emotion, emotions come and go, purpose, fulfilment and joy are far better things to go in pursuit of.
life is NOT something that needs to look a certain way and as soon as you release attachment to how you think it should look the more you can begin enjoying this brief experience.
I’ve spent a lifetime trying to bury parts of myself that I believed made me a bad person due to my religious trauma,
Jehovah’s Witness cult for the record.
This trauma had me believe that parts of me were worthy of death and at the age of 11 or 12 that literally put the fear of god in me.
When I stopped subscribing to that religion as a young teenage boy, I didn’t realise just how much these abusive teachings had imprinted on me, and as a result I have gone through my life feeling like i’m 2 separate people,
‘Dan the good guy’
‘Dan the bad guy’
I have found myself fighting so hard to be ‘Dan the good guy’ but at times ‘Dan the bad guy’ has just been too strong, and in those moments all that’s been left is a path of devastation and destruction in it’s wake.
Now if that wasn’t bad enough already, it’s not even close to the damage it ensues on ‘Dan the good guy’
Does ‘Dan the good guy’ even exist? I ask myself, or is he just a character i’ve created to help me live a ‘normal life’
At times i’ve found myself staring in the mirror contemplating whether I am just being used by Satan as a way for him to stick 2 fingers up at god.
Fortunately I now believe in duality, and that god and satan are faces of the same being,
God = higher self
Satan = lower self
But what i’m learning is that intellect means nothing if you haven’t first filtered it through your heart.
That is exactly why my healing journey has brought me to therapy, so I can learn to remove the padlock from the cage where my heart lies, and usher it out into the space where we experience true love, but first that requires safety and a lot of courage to sit in the feelings of ‘Dan the bad guy’ and look through the bars of that cage to see Dan, just Dan, an innocent scared little boy, that feels unworthy of love and who is so desperately crying out for a protector.
I am still struggling to look him in the eyes and just see pure innocence and give him what he needs, because I still blame him for a lot of the heartache and pain I’VE caused, and have experienced in my life so far, and because I still feel like this scared little boy ‘Dan the bad guy’ is constantly trying to goad me.
My journey is now about looking past his outbursts, and trying to understand that he is just a child, and underneath the tantrums is a boy just asking to be loved, and until I learn to love him he will always feel separate to me.
I am learning to invite him back in and promise him that I will never abandon him ever again.
I love you Dan,
I am always here for you even if at times it feels like I have abandoned you again,
I will always love you,
Forever your protector,
P.s. My best friend inviting me in to paradise with her.
A lesson that I’ve learnt the hard way and is something that me and Charis speak about a lot, is the importance of sexual intimacy in our relationship.
It’s so easy to get caught up in life and forget to invest daily into our relationship, and that very reason is exactly why in the past, a relationship I was in, ended up being more so as a best friend and not a girlfriend and sexual partner.
It’s only upon reflection we can really see where we went wrong.
You know that honeymoon period that everyone says goes…
I truly believe it doesn’t have to, and can transcend into something far greater where you become lovers, best friends and life partners,
But there is an IF…
Initially my main reasons for investing in my relationship were through fear that I would lose that ‘I JUST WANT TO FUCK YOU’ feeling, especially after I’d been there before and had really hurt someone I loved, because I didn’t have the awareness or the tools to cultivate the type of relationship I wanted, and coupled with the lack of courage to communicate my deepest desires, this led me to take the ‘easy’ otherwise known as the cowards way out…
Now my reasons for investing in my relationship are different, I know what type of relationship I want, and I have a duty to Charis to always try my best to communicate and stick to my commitment that we both made when deciding we wanted to create a relationship together.
I’ve learnt that 2 people (speaking about monogamous relationships as I haven’t experienced polyamory or open) that like eachother and choose to be in a relationship, just isn’t enough for a relationship to flourish, It takes constant communication, challenges, fear, love and everything in between to build the relationship you truly want.
As soon as I stop investing in my relationship and become lazy and complacent, my relationship will suffer (I know shock horror), so in order for me to have the type of relationship where I look at Charis and want to have passionate sex (or a quickie, or anything else sexually) with her, I HAVE to put the work in!
I want someone I can share my fears with (this starts with me owning them first),
I want someone I can break down infront of (this is what i’m currently working on through counselling as I struggle to connect with my own emotions and express them),
I want someone I can do nothing with (everyone loves a ‘snacks and film’ night),
BUT…I also want someone I can enjoy sexually,
And THAT comes down to how willing I am to invest in myself and my own healing (we’ve all got layers we need to peel back and learn to love).
A question I would ask yourself if you crave more intimacy with your partner is…
‘where am I not showing up for myself, where am I not showing up in my relationship, where am I NOT putting effort in and what can I do right NOW to start reinvesting?
As a man we have an immense amount of pressure to have our shit together 24/7 and this has led us to believe that any time we are struggling with something we have to do whatever we can to look like everything is fine.
We don’t talk to our mates about our struggles, fears and insecurities,
We don’t talk to our partners about our struggles, fears and insecurities,
And we definitely don’t talk to our parents about our struggles, fears and insecurities.
We hold all of this in because we don’t want anyone to see that we are actually human, and being human means that at times we struggle, and at times we need help, but that goes against everything we’ve been indoctrinated to believe that men just get on with it.
In other words, if we stop being a robot, and start being real, then people will see us as a weak unsuccessful man.
I’ve spent 33 years struggling to be human, and any time that I’ve felt like I could do with some help, i either dig my heels in even more and get defensive when people offer me help,
or tell myself I’m a failure and spiral down into a pit of drink and drugs to escape that story I’m telling myself.
What I’m actually learning is that being a man is not based on being an emotionless robot 🤖, in fact it’s the complete opposite!
Being a man is having the courage to be real and own your struggles, put your hand up and ask for help and support others on your way up.
I used to tell myself that ‘real men’ don’t need help,
‘Real men’ don’t struggle with their emotions (Thankyou to the amazing term ‘man up’),
‘Real men’ have loads of money and fuck like pornstars (Thankyou to the over sexualised music world),
‘Real men’ swoop in and save women (Thankyou Disney),
I think at every single point in my life I’ve held a belief about what it is to be a man and that ideology is always outside of myself, instead of really connecting to my own masculinity.
I am a kind, caring man who does what he can to help others.
I am also a man that struggles at times and has fucked up and hurt people he loves.
Each year that goes by I know myself a little more, and instead of judge myself for my past shortcomings I am learning to love all of me,
I am learning to love,
32 year old Dan that so wanted to be seen by his girlfriend in a moment of real vulnerability the he ended up hurting her deeply.
28/29 year old Dan that got accused of attempted rape and spiralled down into drink and drugs and as a result left him homeless.
Mid 20 year old Dan that cheated on his fiancée and broke her heart because he was so scared of real intimacy and harboured a lot of shame around sexuality.
Teenage Dan that spent so much of his time trying to be more ‘you’ and less ‘me’ because he just wanted to be liked.
10/11 year old Dan that was told that what he done was wrong and displeasing to God and he needs to be sorry (otherwise God wouldn’t love him).
When I sit back and reflect right now, I just see a boy/man that was trying to be what he thought everyone wanted him to be, or a version of him that he thought would be more worthy of love.
I’ve done a lot of questionable things in my time and they have all been as a result of parts of myself that I’m struggling to love and have been trying to hide.
I just want you to know that you can keep running and using;
Being a doting father
To avoid those feelings of unworthiness, but I guarantee you, until you stop and actually start looking at it all, and learning to love it all, you will always feel lonely and unfulfilled, because it’s ALL YOU, and you are begging and pleading with YOU to love YOU.
Loneliness isn’t you not having someone externally who understands you and loves you,
Loneliness is YOU not understanding you and REFUSING to love you.
Maybe now is not your time and you’re not quite ready yet but when the time comes and you really feel the pull, use your strength to just surrender and give up running and get the help and support you need and deserve 🙏🏼❤️.
Men I see you and I’m here for you,
Much love 🙏🏼❤️
P.s. ego = ‘what judgements will I get as a result of this photo, it’s not safe to post this, you’re naked on the beach’
My higher self = Dan you’ve just wrote about vulnerability and judgements why are you now projecting you own self judgement?!
What comes to mind as soon as you hear the word sexuality…?
Is it the differentiation between gay, straight, bisexual and everything inbetween?
Well my proverbial scholar lets take a trek into the murky waters where shame and sexuality lie, but tread carefully, you could quite easily be eaten up by the green eyed judgemental monster.
Lets start with good old wikipedia…
Their definition of the word sexuality is,
The way people experience and express themselves sexually. This involves biological, erotic, physical, or spiritual feelings and behaviours.
So in short it can be described as everything you are, from not only an ego standpoint, but also a human genetic standpoint.
Basically sexuality is such a broad term that it is more of a blanket word that covers so many different aspects, and I want to specifically break down certain parts of sexuality that I have experienced, and areas that I am hugely passionate about.
Now shame is something that we all have internalised at one point or more in our lives, and I am no different.
From a very early age I was brought up as a Jehovahs Witness, There are a lot of positive loving lessons i’ve learnt that have been due to this part of my childhood and I am by no means bashing this religion, but I would like to just share some of my feelings surrounding shame around masturbation and why growing up I struggled.
For the majority of my life I have always felt like a child whose parents told him to ‘stop touching your willy’ it felt like I was disgusting, seedy and later on in life weird and obsessed.
One of my earliest memories was when I was in middle school so I must of been maybe 11, and one of the kids in my class who was openly interested in boys used to sit next to me in my music class.
I can’t remember exactly how the conversation started but it was something along the lines of ‘do you wank?’
This was about the age that the surge of testosterone was now beginning to flood my body.
Of course I felt embarrassed and told him no.
He said to me ‘you can come round mine after school and I can show you how to?!’
Due to fear, shame and embarrassment I never took him up on the offer.
1 thing that sticks out in my mind about that conversation though was just how accepting of himself he was at such an early age.
I have a few other of these ‘experiences’ that go further than just a few embarrassing words but ironically writing a blog about shame is bringing up feelings around shame…
Don’t you worry though, I have made a promise to myself to ‘bare all’ over the course of the next 12 months.
Shame can be so crippling because its not only our own feelings of humiliation, but it’s even more so our fear of becoming an outcast.
Masturbation made me feel like I was doing something naughty, and one to two seconds after that moment of ejaculation, I was flooded with all these thoughts of i’m bad, I shouldn’t of done that, why do I keep doing this? why can’t I stop? am I normal? The only tool I had in my toolbox to deal with all these feelings was to internalise them and stuff them so far down in the hope that they never came up again.
Of course they come up again, that’s what unhealed trauma does, it’s there to protect us from a perceived danger.
That danger for me, was that I wouldn’t be loved and I would not only hurt and upset Jehovah but i’d bring shame and disappointment to my mum (my dad wasn’t a jehovahs witness) which as a young lad was something that terrified me.
As I went through my teenage years I closed myself off to any sexual experience I could of engaged in and instead chose to continue being the little boy who shut himself away.
Many religions see masturbation as a sin, Jehovahs witnesses see masturbation as an unlcean mentally and emotionally defiling serious sin of fornication, now imagine what that conditioning can do to a pre-pubescent child.
Shame can show up anywhere and as we continue to trudge on I want to take a look at society as a global collective and how we as sexual human beings are shamed for our sexuality.
The rise of personal explicit sexual content platforms such as onlyfans. If you haven’t heard of it, it’s basically a monthly subscription service where individuals or couples upload content (photos or videos) and put them out to the public for a low cost price ranging between £5-£10 a month.
I recently saw a post on my social media newsfeed where a girl (no judgement towards her on my part here) had stated her views about this particular platform, and how degrading and disgusting this type of thing is and girls who choose to do this need to learn a little self respect.
There were a lot of comments with the same views as this girl, but as I scrolled further down the comments, I read far too many from young lads saying that these girls are slags, and plenty of other words their mother would wash their mouths out for uttering.
The irony in this is the fact that these lads, i’m pretty certain choose, and enjoy watching porn probably on a daily basis, and are more than happy to make use of the free wanking material available online,
BUT… as soon as a girl wants to make money from it, then they need to be shunned and ridiculed, hmm…
Now I wonder how many of them girls who were commenting derogatory things on that post are the same girls that HATE the gender inequality when it comes to sex inparticular,
Girls are slags if they sleep about yet men are studs and deserve a high five.
Truth is those people that took the moral high ground, and decided to look down their noses, have also got some form of unhealed trauma that is triggered by people that fully embrace their sexuality, which is definitely something that is a humanitarian crisis that only further disconnects us from eachother.
Now lets say you like the thought of setting up one of these platforms, or lets say you choose to fulfil your desires through things such as underground sex dungeons or swinging clubs, however out there or vanilla they are, would you be ashamed if your boss/clients found out?
You know the whole notion of ‘I wouldn’t get a tattoo there think about how employers would view it’ again this is just another opportunity for you to stuff that sexuality so far down that you to can join teenage me in becoming the dirty little child hiding yourself in your bedroom.
As were etching closer to the promise land where we can all live in harmonious nakedness, a place where body shaming no longer exists and love and sex are part of our every day life where we roll around in the endless fields of beautiful flowers…
Wait, sorry that was the 60’s or what i’ve been accustomed to believe, oh how I wish I could of experienced that decade.
Now this might possibly be the most feared grim reaperesque of all…
Embracing and owning our sexuality in the face of our family and partner.
Now why is this a piece of the puzzle that no matter what way you try to turn it just doesn’t seem to fit.
From a very early age we have learnt what things we need to do, or be, to get attention/approval, but more importantly love (or our perception of what us getting their love looks like)
It could be achieving a good grade at school,
It could be doing well at sports day,
It could be getting into your parents preferred university,
Or it could be as little as something like sleeping well through the night regularly,
No matter what it is we have learnt that certain actions, achievements or successes gain us positive reinforcements.
Now this inherently makes every single one of us a people pleaser to varying extents.
This positive reinforcement continues through to your adult life with job or career roles, positive intimate relationships, and moving in to your first house.
Now what if you have done and become everything you feel you should and the rewards from family in the form of approval and love have been precedent, but you suddenly have the realisation that you are actually living someone elses life, and not the life you have chosen for yourself…
you begin to fantasise about possibilities of a new life, a life that lights you up and turns you on, a life that doesn’t see you go to uni but instead sees you owning your own business, a life that doesn’t see you in a ‘secure marriage’ but instead sees you enjoying exploring your sexual desires with multiple consensual partners, a life that doesn’t see you in a nice home with a garage and financed car but instead sees you travelling the world living life on your terms…
How do you unbecome the person you have shown your family you are, and become the person you actually want to be without the fear of losing their approval and love?!
Now what about (this was something that I suffered with and caused a lot of hurt because of) you don’t give yourself permission to embrace your sexual curiosity, and you have allowed fear and shame to consume you and you’re now in a relationship thinking to yourself ‘I have never experienced this, I have never given myself the opportunity to see if I like that’ and as each day passes you become more and more engulfed with this feeling of curiosity, shame, guilt and fear.
You don’t want to hurt your partner because you love them, you even wish that you didn’t have these fantasies and desires because now you’re having thoughts of infidelity, these toxic thoughts are only heightening the feelings of fear thinking of your life without your partner that you have created together.
Now i’m not here to judge you could say it would be a case of the pot calling the kettle black but I prefer to look at it like this…
I have invested the last 3 years deep diving into the areas where I hold the most fear and shame around…
I have slayed many dragons but I have also got badly burnt in the meantime.
I have had judgement from ‘friends’
I have had judgement from family,
and I have even had judgement from people that don’t even know me, but what i’ve also had is an amazing relationship come to fruition, a couple of very close friendships become even closer but more importantly I have dropped so much emotional baggage i’ve been carrying round and can categorically state that my life, confidence and sex life have improved more than I could of imagined.
I’m not hear to tell you it’s all going to be rainbows and unicorns in fact quite the opposite BUT the reward far outweighs any judgement you may endure.
What i’ve learnt is shame is actually fear of loss, we fear losing those people that are close to us all the while are more than comfortable with losing ourselves, now that is lifes biggest paradox.
If your religion has you carrying so much shame is it a religion that serves you?
If your job, social circles or community shun you for embracing your sexuality then are the cons outweighing the pros?
If your family judge you for removing the mask and showing up as your true self then do you want to allow them to control anymore of your life?
If your mariage/relationship isn’t open to growth and freedom to become the best version of yourself then is it the right one for you?
There are many different options available but my advice to you is DO NOT allow your true self to hide in the shadows any longer.
If you want to gain more insights in to how you can start embracing your sexuality more, I highly recommend one of my favourite podcasts which is True sex and wild love created by Whitney Miller and Wednesday Martin who are doing amazing things regarding sexuality and relationships.
Hi, I’m Charis. For those of you who know Dan, you will know this blogging platform originated from the man himself. You will also know the past eighteen months of blogging Dan has been nothing but open and honest. As I am piggy backing the audience he has drawn, I plan to follow suit with each contribution to this platform.
Before the 21st of December 2017 I was your average 18-year-old wishing away the week days and longing for that ‘Saturday night feeling’. I was out, most weekends, enjoying the feeling of intoxicating my body with alcohol alongside my friends. I had just started university at the time and after all, this what students go to university for right?
You’re probably questioning why I have introduced my story with an introduction to who I was before the 21st of December. The answer is simple. On that night I headed into town with my friends to enjoy the Christmas festivities. The only thing I was unaware of upon heading out that evening was that a 30-year-old male would break my spirit in a matter of minutes. My spirit remained broken for 9 months.
On the night of this discussion I was raped and pornographically violated. Particularly heavy words huh. I woke up in the home of a stranger, naked, disorientated, exposed, and oblivious of actual confirmation of what had happened the night before. I refused to believe what had happened to me was true. I never used the word ‘rape’ until it was presented to me in verbal communication from my counsellor that, that is what had occurred that night. Despite not knowing what had happened the night before all I knew when I left the next day was that there was a part of me missing. Exactly two weeks after the attack I was presented with my worst fears, a sexually explicit image of me surfaced, an image of my perpetrator engaging in intercourse with me. The photo was shared to my best friend, all his friends, and even made its way back to my own mum. Waking up the next day I did not believe anything else could break me. Boy was I wrong. The little piece of myself I had left had been stolen from me too. For the next three months following January the 4th I was mocked and laughed at by his friends, my ‘friends’ and my attacker himself. I truly had no care or regard left for myself, I was ashamed and riddled with self-blame. I began engaging in self-sabotaging behaviours; I was going out increasingly, misusing alcohol to numb the way I truly felt. I began to purge, head over the bowl, eyes streaming, screaming out for someone, anyone to save me from myself.
I went on like this for months. I hadn’t seen my perpetrator for months either. On August Bank Holiday Sunday I saw him. In a local bar, I sat in my seat at a table with my friends and he walked behind me, stroked my arm and hair. I did not move an inch, I wanted to cry, claw away at the part of my skin he had yet again invaded. He committed this act to simply remind me of what he had done, almost as if he was proud, it gave him a sense of control and dominance. He saw that I was enjoying my evening and decided he would soon put me in the place that belittled me and empowered him. Where it would have been easy for me to run home that night, I took a breath, rung my sister, and continued my night out. From the moment I stayed out I knew something had snapped inside of me. I had, had enough.
You see if you knew me on the outside, I looked fine and the majority of the time those whom are suffering look ‘fine’ on the outside, behind my bedroom walls I was howling praying to be anyone but myself.
Then I met Dan. I stumbled upon one of his blogs about loneliness. The universe had placed this blog in my path because it knew it was exactly what I needed to introduce me to the person whom was also struggling in his own personal life. Dan was never placed in my path for him to save me. Dan introduced me to podcasts and journaling. A week into communicating with Dan I knew exactly what I had to do without any interpretation from him. It was that I needed professional help. I made the call, attended the assessment and begun my six months of professional help. A form of help like no other. This was the route to correcting my self-destructive behaviours and allowing my heart to forgive myself.
I truly commend anyone with the bravery to admit themselves to counselling and therapy. I remember walking out of my assessment to meet my mum and sister. The only line I said to them whilst my voice cracked was ‘I know it was going to be hard but I didn’t think it was going to be that hard’ all the anger and hurt I projected upon myself for the past nine months was beginning to release from my body. His toxicity and grip that felt so heavily forced around my neck began to loosen. I write this part of this article tears streaming down eyes because I will never forget overwhelming feeling of no longer being under suffocation.
I had never planned this vicious attack to ever be part of my story, but without it I would have not been enabled the empowerment to love myself unconditionally, I would have never discovered the level of awareness that I currently attain. I am no longer full of hatred for him, nor am I for myself. The incident served its purpose exactly when it was supposed to. It will always be a part of my story, but it will not continue to define my story. It shaped me into the empowered and independent woman that I am and for that reason alone I am full of gratitude. I had two choices. I could have chosen: to live a life of bitterness and hurt, or I could have chosen to take what had already happened and recreate something beautiful from it. My message to you is that no matter what feels like the most heart-breaking situation to occur. You always have the power to choose yourself. Nobody will ever have more power over you than YOURSELF. Something taught to me by my counsellor when all I could feel was powerlessness.
If the said individual ever reads this, I hope you acknowledge that I don’t hate you. I thank you for giving me something far greater than what you think you gained. You gave me self-love, growth, and power.
So if you are an open-minded, deep thinking adult who accepts responsibility and understands that your insecurities and emotions are yours to manage then this blog will be like a breath of fresh air that elevates your already empowered self.
If you are a victim of the world, your emotions and society
then this blog is everything you need right now to trigger you into a
psychedelicesque ego-annihilation without the risk of ending up in the slammer,
so you can begin to take back control of your life and stop looking for
something outside of you to blame.
I want to discuss what it is about social media that
everyone seems to blame instead of looking at what the real issues are. Just
like the Brazilian government tried to cover up and ignore the problems of
homelessness before the world cup I’m going to explore how we refuse to accept
responsibility for our flawed childlike emotions and stop looking for someone
or something to shootdown in blame.
Now this is one of them blogs where treading carefully would
probably be advised but all of us respond differently to things and in my own
humble opinion, I feel that we all need a form of tough love at times.
Now with all of that in mind I hope you will walk through
the metaphorical door of harsh truth with me and begin to think about this
Firstly, welcome to the land of responsibility it’s good to
see you here 😊! I want to discuss one of societies largest
scapegoats over the last few years…
What a horrific platform full of narcissistic humans,
relationship destroying green eyed monsters and ‘my life is so much better than
I absolutely love social media it has so many pros, like the
fact you are probably reading this right now via my social media page 😉.
It’s a sad reality that we have become a society of victims
that want to blame anything and everything that makes us feel a certain way we
don’t like but unfortunately (if you’re a glass half empty kind of person) it’s
your responsibility to put on that coat of armour and fight back through self
care and self love so that nothing can pierce that *insert superhero suit* of
Now here are the top 3 things that people blame social media
Portraying an unrealistic body image.
Comparison and not feeling good enough based on
what others put on fb.
Now lets say you are in a relationship with someone and they
post a selfie. Instantly you begin checking up every few minutes to see who has
liked it, before you know it you’ve spent the last 20 minutes going through
every one of the likes and have found yourself on some unknown persons profile
going through every photo to see how many your partner has liked of theirs.
^^^ Social medias fault or your insecurities…?
Someone who is in amazing shape who works hard on her health
and fitness trains hard and prioritises her diet and training posts a selfie in
a bikini when she is on holiday. She instantly gets backlash because of the
fact that she looks amazing and loves her body and wants to share a photo of
herself on social media.
^^^ Social medias fault or your lack of self-love…?
It’s Christmas time and everyone seems to be posting loads
of lovely photos of their trees and all the presents they have bought for their
children to enjoy but all you can think about is the fact that you couldn’t
afford to buy everything you wanted to for your children.
^^^ Social medias fault or your lack of gratitude for the
fact that you can enjoy xmas with a roof over your head and your family around
This is where we really go deep down the rabbit hole…
Suicide rate over the last 30 years has actually decreased
according to the Samaritans, but men still account for three-quarters of
suicides in the uk.
Now this statistic should of risen if social media was to
blame but the fact that it’s decreased actually proves that social media isn’t
Side-note* suicide is still the most common cause of death
in men in the UK.
Now let’s back-pedal.
Why do you personally think that social media specifically
gets a bad rap???
I think it has a lot of facets to this but the main two HAVE
We live in a world where everything is accessible at the
touch of a button and is all about giving us instant gratification without
doing the work previously required to attain that thing.
You feel entitled to be happy all of the time,
You feel entitled to never be offended,
You feel entitled to voice your opinion but no one can
disagree with it,
You feel entitled to find an amazing partner that ticks all
of your boxes without actually being someone that would attract someone like
You feel entitled to have money and holidays and a nice home
without having to work for it,
You feel entitled to never be criticised,
You feel entitled to your health but don’t look after your
You feel entitled to everything you’ve ever wanted but don’t
do anything that warrants having that life.
We are only entitled to what we work for and put effort into
Our insecurities are exactly that OURS! NEVER do they become
anyone else’s problem by you forcing them on to them.
We all have insecurities but it is absolutely vital that we
work on them daily instead of looking to blame external factors such as
Facebook for your lack of self-love.
A question I always like to ask myself is,
“Is that thing or person to blame or am I in fact looking
through my subjective goggles?”
9/10 an emotion/feeling has just been triggered in me that I
don’t like so instead of looking to blame something external It’s so important
that I look to understand why I felt that way this in my opinion is the most
valuable tool we have access to… self-reflection!
Once you focus on becoming the best version of yourself, not
just sharing the odd inspirational quote on that platform you blame then you
begin to realise that NOTHING is personal and EVERYTHING is down to how you
feel about yourself.
Below are the
dictionaries definitions of insecurity, blame and responsibility.
uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.
We all have them but we have to focus on taking the time to
acknowledge them and work through them so they no longer control our lives and
Blame – feel or
declare that someone or something is responsible for a fault or wrong.
This is a huge ego defence mechanism that we use to justify
any of our wrong-doings and keep us locked in this state of victim mentality,
ditch it, STOP blaming everyone and everything!
Responsibility – the
state or fact of having a duty to deal with something or of having control over
This is the part where you collect your badge of honour and
go back out into the ‘real’ world where you now see everything in front of you
as a representation of everything that is inside of you…
Just like the ending scene in Shutter Island (my all time
favourite film!) where Teddy says to Chuck
“Which would be worse: To live as a monster, or to die as a
You too have to make a decision, do you accept responsibility or do you live in blame…?
I suppose i’ve been wanting to write this blog for a while but as my coach says,
“We’re never ready until we’re ready”
I want to start off by letting you all in on one of the real reasons I write my blog, and why I am more than happy to share it with whoever stumbles across it.
Ok, so the first blog I wrote was a hugely emotional representation of the hurt I was feeling in the hope that my ex would stumble across it in some corner of the internet just like you have,
The more I began to look inside myself and be brutally honest with why I do certain things, it became evident that i’d been wearing this mask in a botched attempt to disable my deepest form of self expression.
I’ve been carrying a little shame but mainly fear that if I share who I truly am I would lose those close to me.
I talk about sex a lot, and I think about sex a lot, but this isn’t just because I have a high sex drive, this is because I want to get rid of all the stigma surrounding sex particularly self expression and fetishes (suppose they could fall under the same bracket) and give others the courage and enable you to give yourself permission to fully express who you are without fear.
As we all know there are very few absolutes in life so everything I share are just my opinions based on my experiences.
Now let me take you back to my first relationship when I was 22…
We were together 6 years, she was my first love and even to this day we still care about eachother a lot.
Truth is I never ever showed her who I truly was, I showed her the parts of me that I loved but anything that I was a little unsure about or thought she couldn’t handle I kept hidden through fear of losing her.
I have a fearless adventurous side in all areas of my life, and HATE, to the point where I cut people out of my life, those that put limitations on things, but when it comes to rejection I think we all have this huge fear that we continue to feed so it actually grows into something that really becomes an issue.
Now i’m not one for what you would call ‘vanilla sex’ not that their is anything wrong with that if that’s your thing but neither was I ready to openly ‘bare all’ and potentially be rejected.
So I done what us humans do and buried my head (I mean in the sand, not between her legs)
I lived in fear that if she ever saw that side of me I would lose her and I really DID NOT want that!
Porn became a bit of an addiction for me and a way that I could express myself judgement free, but of course this is not what porn should be used for, in fact I often think we substitute things in order to actually address the real issue.
The more I think about intimacy and why we all crave it so much but very few get the real genuine connections we are looking for is because just like me you too are afraid of ‘baring all’ and taking off the mask.
Intimacy is really about standing in front of your partner while you’re carrying all these different bags of things we would call ‘issues’ and them looking in to your eyes and telling you ‘I SEE YOU, AND I STILL WANT YOU’
In reality this is all we want, we want to be accepted for who we truly are instead of living in fear and keeping parts of ourselves hidden from our loved ones in case they get up and leave.
This was literally the biggest breakthrough i’ve had which is why now I am so open about everything and actually have received comments like ‘maybe you shouldn’t put that out there’ or under the radar comments aimed at me by people that must think i’m stupid 😉 ‘why do people share so much on social media,’
Well let me tell you right now…
If you feel the need to water down your personality or hold back on expressing yourself in hugely important areas of your life such as sexually then you are setting yourself up for a very bitter unhappy unfulfilled life and you only have yourself to blame!
My personal reason for cheating was because rejection from someone you don’t love is an easier pill to swallow than rejection from that one person you want to be accepted by.
Start showing up as your true self and those who are meant to be in your life will naturally gravitate towards you and those that aren’t will drift away.