Self love is a myth

“Are you ok hun?”

This could either be an invitation for you to drink 3 bottles of prosecco with the girls and slag off men, or run yourself a nice bubble bath while enjoying a glass of wine.

^^^ these seem to be the kaleidoscope of self love.

Sure you can go for a spa day, or follow an insta models booty workout, but none of these are going to help you really learn to love yourself…

Why?!

Well because self love is something that our society absolutely DOES NOT want you to have!

And guess what, neither do many of the people closest to you, because when you are really choosing to love yourself you will NOT accept shitty behaviour from shitty people, or eventually shitty behaviour from good people.

Now look, I don’t really believe people are shitty or good rather just people, the reason I say that is because it’s so much easier to not tolerate shitty behaviour from people we don’t really care about, than it is to not tolerate shitty behaviour from people we really do care about, but those that really do love you and want to see you thrive, will be rooting for you along your self love journey.

Ok so enough with the self love dramatics and down to what self love actually is…

I believe that self love is the art of choosing YOU in every moment, if that made you crease up and squirm around, then that is proof you don’t believe that you should put yourself first.

You may believe that putting yourself first is selfish and I would 110% agree with you but here’s the thing with selfishness, the negative conatation that selfishness has is again proof that the powers that be do NOT want you to love yourself. Ever heard the analogy “you cannot serve from an empty vessel”

I use the self love as tokens analogy,

Think about a bank account you open as your self love starting point, each time you do something that is in alignment with you loving yourself, you deposit a self love token into your account, every time you do something that is out of alignment with you loving yourself, you withdraw a self love token from your bank account. This bank account doesn’t allow you to go into an arranged overdraft, so if you go into minus you start getting penalised. If your account is in a healthy state then you are able to invest in others, if your account is in an unhealthy state, then you have NO resources to help others.

So we have to make sure that we are always in a positive instead of a minus, and the more you deposit the more you will be able to invest in others.

Now at times you will of course withdraw some tokens, these can be in the form of a night out with friends, drinking too much and indulging in calorific foods, or skipping the gym for a Wednesday night spontaneous date night, and again I believe that is all part of loving yourself, being able to allow yourself to adopt the 80/20 rule of healthy v unhealthy, or as I prefer to see it, supportive to your growth v supportive to your play.

All work and no play, and all that!

But your intention behind everything should come from a place of complete consciousness, instead of ‘I am completely oblivious to anything that is going on in my life’ because when the latter is true, you will find yourself drifting further and further into the realms of the victim, never truly believing you have the power or responsibility to create the life you want, therefore only looking to blame.

Now reading this far might have had you hit the little X in the corner and continue sipping on your G and T with the thought ‘who the fuck does he think he is’ and if that is true, then I can call you an egotistical princess that thinks the world revolves around you, and in which case you need to grow the fuck up HUN!

But if you are still reading then please don’t let that ^^^ girl know what I just said 😉.

Anyway lets continue shall we!

So what areas of your life are direct indicators that you don’t love yourself based on my definition of self love?

  • You don’t address any of your partners behaviour face to face because you believe that if you choose YOU then no one will love you.
  • You have subscribed to the belief that you have to do that shitty job you hate getting up for every morning, because you have nothing else to offer the world.
  • You go out drinking every weekend and beat yourself up every Sunday, telling yourself you’re going to get your shit together on Monday.
  • You date arseholes that are jealous, narcissists that initially lavish you with gifts, when really you want their love and time, because you don’t give love and time to yourself.
  • You exercise regularly, but sabotage any efforts in the gym with consistent shit choices of food, because ‘you don’t have the motivation to cook healthy’
  • You don’t challenge anyone that says something that hurts you, because you are scared that you will come across ‘too sensitive’

This is just the tip of the iceberg, but remember that it wasn’t the tip that sunk the titanic… *really want to insert some perverted humour here regarding the ‘tip’ but I’ll trust you can take that wherever you want it to go 😉!

Now admittedly this can all be quite triggering when reading, or hearing this stuff, but what I’ve learnt and come to understand deeply, is that a trigger is an invitation to curiously lean into and learn something about yourself, and potentially see part of you that is just crying out for some love, and proverbial spooning if you will.

If you’re not in a position to invest 97 love tokens into my 28 day self love female only group coaching programme https://www.facebook.com/DanReaderTheReboundGuy/ then don’t worry sister I’ve still got you…

One of the most simple yet effective tools I’ve got in my box (innuendo central there, please don’t let me down!) is a question I use multiple times a day…

Whenever I’m faced with the thoughts or feelings of ‘I can’t be bothered’ or ‘I don’t want to rock the boat’ I ask myself,

IF I LOVED MYSELF WHAT WOULD I DO?

This question enables you to consciously navigate any situation so you can choose to live in alignment with your deepest values and morals I call this your self love compass.

If there is anything you are really struggling with right now and can’t seem to break free from PLEASE reach out, maybe I can help you or maybe I know someone that can, but either way from my experience when it leaves your mouth you will feel instantly lighter.

This self love ‘stuff’ is fucking hard and is NOT the medias portrayal of bubble baths but that does not mean you can’t handle it because the truth is NOT starting your journey will hurt more in the longrun.

I love you,

But I love ME more!

Much love,

Dan.

Self Acceptance

Part 1: The first and most important step in your journey towards self love.

So what is self acceptance?

Self acceptance is coming to a point in your life where you can physically and metaphorically look in the mirror and just say “yes, this is me” warts and all.

This takes a reasonably high level of self awareness because you have to be able to reflect on your life and the mistakes you’ve made while beginning to understand the reasons behind them.

If you can’t embrace your imperfections and fuck-ups then you have work to do,

But fear not, I will end this blog with some action steps you can take to begin to accept who you are.

Now why do so many of us struggle with self acceptance?

We are naturally emotional creatures and are hugely vulnerable to having our emotions controlled either by our subjective thoughts or even something as trivial as having to queue for a few minutes at the supermarket.

Just like anything in life responsibility is paramount and we have to take full responsibility for who we are and the things we’ve done wrong. For some people this can be the hardest part, all you narcissists out there are not ready to come crashing back down to earth and admit that they’ve ever been in the wrong so will live in denial and deflect all responsibility while seeking to point blame in someone else’s direction.

This can be a hard pill to swallow if you have overpowering narcissistic tendencies but what I want to throw into the mix now is insecurities…

Every single one of us has insecurities but some people let their insecurities control the majority of their lives,

Let me explain…

You’re in a relationship and your partner is getting ready to go out for a night with the lads/the girls, (wouldn’t want to be sexist to either of the TWO genders we have in the world ;)) you start to get a sudden sick feeling in your stomach as a result of your insecurity being triggered. This feels horrible to you but instead of being a mature adult and communicating with your partner openly you start ‘acting up,’ you know, how a 3 year old toddler does when they don’t know how to express themselves. You ignore your partner, go quiet and begin to sulk…

Now what someone who has got to that mirror stage of self acceptance will do is,

Feel the emotion and the sick feeling in their stomach, take responsibility for the fact that they are feeling insecure, accept that it is THEIR issue and either,

Option 1: Choose not to speak about it just before your partner goes out, say how amazing they look and that you hope they have a good night and promise yourself you’ll speak about how you feel tomorrow.

Option 2. Say to your partner “you look amazing, I sometimes wonder what I done to deserve you” you have given them a genuine compliment and also outlined the fact that sometimes you feel insecure which opens the door for your partner to reassure you.

Another very common insecurity is hating parts of your body,

Your mummy tummy,

Your beer belly,

Your double chin,

Cellulite on the back of your legs,

And this can have a huge negative impact on not only your own emotional well being but also your relationship.

Now someone who hasn’t reached the self acceptance stage in their life yet will wear clothes to hide their body, make excuses as to why they don’t want to go out, stop having sex with their partner, refuse to do anything about how they are feeling and look to blame.

Now someone who has reached the self acceptance stage in their life will take responsibility for how they feel about themselves and take the first step towards exercising regularly, embrace going out because they know that will improve their social confidence and speak to their partner about wanting to reignite their physical relationship.

Now you can see and possibly relate to how difficult it is to earn self acceptance, because it takes looking at all the things you want to change about who you are and instead of spiralling in to a self pitying mindset full of excuses, resentment and blame you use these things as motivation and inspiration to take action steps in becoming better, better than you were yesterday.

As always I want to reiterate the fact that I had to put a lot of work in over the years to earn this level of self acceptance I now have, it’s not something that you just have, the same as a confident person isn’t born confident they have to earn it.

So why is self acceptance the most important step towards self love?

In a nutshell, before you can address something first you have to recognise it’s there.

You are imperfect,

You have flaws,

You fuck up,

YOU ARE HUMAN!

My top 3 tips to achieve self acceptance:

  1. Exercise, particularly weight training because as you see and feel your body getting stronger this will massively boost your confidence and have a huge positive impact on your mental strength.

2. Set yourself goals, start off with goals that are smaller and easier to achieve and this will begin to open your eyes to what you’re capable of when you put the work in.

3. Journal, this is hugely beneficial. Buy yourself a little book, I like spending a few quid on one that looks a bit pretty (princess, I know) so you actually take a bit of pride in it, and at the end of each day write down how your day was in regards to your emotions, what triggered certain ones and reflect on why then finish it with writing down 1 thing that you’re grateful for, ending your day in gratitude is reaffirming the positives you have in your life.

Self acceptance is like a muscle, if you don’t train it then you will lose it!

I’d love to hear your thoughts and any tips you have for accepting yourself so please do get in touch :)!