Unconditional love

So ironic that for the last minute or 2 I’ve been trying to hit the question mark at the end of the title of this and it appears that key is technically speaking FUCKED! Maybe that is trying to show me just how little unconditional love I actually have access to 😉!

So growing up as a Jehovah’s Witness and trying to live in a system that tells you time and time again, that in order for Jehovah to want you in the paradise and to survive Armageddon, you need to be this and do that and think these thoughts and look this way and and and and, conditions conditions conditions.

Now as a young boy the thought of being murdered by god if I didn’t follow these rules was not exactly a fate that I wanted to imagine for my life.

So this led me down the path of ‘I’m a good little boy’ and even at the ripe old age of 12 gave me this sense of righteousness where I felt better than others because I knew the TRUTH, that’s actually what that cult call their religion ‘the truth’.

Now you can obviously tell that I still have some ‘stuff’ to heal around my time as a Jehovah Witness but I wanted to use that religion as an initial reference point for my confusion around love.

I actually recently asked a Jehovah’s Witness why if Jehovah was such a loving god, does he demand that we worship him unconditionally, but yet he only loves us conditionally.

His response was ‘well of course love is conditional’ and that was where that topic abruptly ended.

Now I’m going to leave that religion there for now and move on to every day life as a human being.

I want to start off by inviting you to turn that phrase around…

Human being = being human.

As we are just being (or playing) as a human we are NOT human WE (or I) is something playing a role of a human, meaning that we are NOT our physical body but the awareness or consciousness behind, or at play, just having a human experience.

Now this is what I really want to get into.

All the ways in which we identify as a human, and every role we embody, and how this closes us off to unconditional love.

This is something that Ram Dass goes into a lot and has really enabled me to question and really build an awareness around my intentions.

To simplify it I want you to think about every interaction you have recently had, and how you have either put them on a different level to yourself, or you have held a subtle (or not so subtle) feeling of superiority over them.

Now this can materialise in various ways but again to simplify think about how you have tried to influence them in some way to think that you are different or better than them,

Or

You’re right and they are wrong.

Now I have to be very aware of these thoughts and identifying with my ego, especially around my feelings regarding that religion, because what I am creating in my head (the stories and beliefs about that religion) are also another way that my ego is able to give me a sense of superiority, and anything that ‘others’ us from eachother is another way that we are proving that we do NOT love them (effectively you, I, us) unconditionally.

This is an elite level practise (be careful because that statement is also a trap 😉) that Jesus, buddha, Mohammed etc were here to teach us,

“Love your neighbour as yourself”

But in practise it’s not so easy.

Could you love someone that cheated on you…

Could you love someone that killed your pet…

Could you love someone that spoke a lot of shit about you…

Could you love someone that really hurt you but wasn’t sorry…

Those are hard right!

Now wait until you think about this level…

Could you love someone who physically hurt your mum…

Could you love someone who murdered your dad…

Could you love someone who sexually abused you…

We can go even further…

Could you love someone who tortured you…

Could you love hitler…

Could you love Bill Gates (fun)…

Now think about every single feeling, thought, and story you use to justify why they don’t deserve your love…

Now what spirituality effectively is, is a practise of BEING unconditional love, and just loving everyone because you see the soul (your soul) inside them, regardless of whatever role they are physically playing right now in this human experience.

Now that does NOT mean that you love their behaviour or actions!

But instead you love them because you ARE love, and every single time you turn your love on and off, and only choose to love this trait, or that trait, you are immediately identifying with your ego or your humanness and therefore are trapped in this perpetual cycle of ‘woe is me’ ‘if only they were more like me’ etc etc.

I think (ego) we (I) have to be very careful with our intentions behind everything we say, do and are because as soon as we create disconnection between you and them (us) you then fall into a very self-centred journey, which will NEVER allow you to experience unconditional love and really that’s what life is, LOVE.

Now of course the humanness in us has a lot of ‘imperfections’ and in my opinion the greatest one is the fear of death, because when you fear death, you ARE your ego, and you fully identify with all your aches, pains, struggles, medical conditions etc and as soon as you limit yourself, you have also trapped everyone else in the prison of your mind because your fear will also try to control the lives of those around you.

Death really is a dropping of the physical form, you may of heard people refer to it as the body as our meat suit.

Our body dies but WE do not.

Now again this does not mean you can’t or shouldn’t grieve other humans passing in your life, because as a human being, grief is part of the human experience and just something that we get to love as well, you can’t have life without death, think of the food we eat, whether it’s a plant or an animal the death of that gives us life.

Now I am by no means saying that this is easy or that I have achieved any of it, and I am really trying to write this without any thoughts of ‘I hope someone likes this’ because my intention behind writing this is that I miss writing, and writing is something that I have always loved, but recently I have viewed it as something I need to do with a specific intention behind it outside of just pure enjoyment.

Over the last few years I have really began looking at things very philosophically and I always come back to my own struggles with unconditional love and identifying with my ego.

Now this can also be a trap because if I begin identifying as someone that tries not to identify with my ego then that’s still me potentially using that as a way to other myself again.

My practise right now is around my intention and if what I’m doing is purely for love or to make me feel MORE than or BETTER THAN instead of just being of service and helping.

Ram Dass calls this ‘being the help and NOT identifying as the helper’ and I think about whenever I see videos of a homeless person having a camera shoved in their face when someone buys them a sandwich.

These are just some thoughts for today with no real structure, no expectation or needs for it to be or do anything other than sit ‘there’ this is really just me emptying my mind and doing something I enjoy.

In my opinion the question (that wasn’t a question because that key on my keyboard is broke) Can you accept unconditional love is really defined by how much can you love unconditionally and each time you think you love unconditionally just ask yourself how much you love your ‘enemy’

Trying to love you unconditionally,

Dan.

The Night I Was Finally Victorious Over Shame

The night I was finally victorious over shame

Gayboy, homo, fag, poof these are just some of the words that are thrown about to either take the piss out of someone in the form of ‘banter’ or are used to offend someone in regards to their sexuality.

As a young lad growing up, that is the last thing you would want to be called, because not only is it an attempt to emasculate you based on what other young lads think a man is, and should be, but also because growing up and learning about yourself while your hormones are all over the place is hard, especially when you too think you have to be a certain way to be a man.

3 years ago when I was in a very dark place and using drink and coke to block out my reality, I would often get back home to my gym (where I lived for over a year) in the early hours, highly intoxicated and with no chance of getting any sleep for a good few hours, and I begin scrolling through the darkest corners of the internet trying to find some porn that satisfied the urge. I would often spend literally hours watching and trying to find the ‘right one’.

Having grown up with a very skewed view on sex due to religion, like anything that you try to supress, it will always come with consequences.

The biggest consequence for me was living with an immense amount of shame and this has negatively impacted some of the decisions I’ve made.

One night after scrolling for hours and just not being able to find what I was looking for I began toying with the idea of typing ‘amateur gay masturbation’ in pornhubs search bar.

I can remember my heart pounding and feeling like I was doing something shameful and disgusting, probably because I was far from sober though my curiosity and intrigue ‘got the better of me’ and I ended up going down the rabbit hole.

Once I’d sobered up I would spend the majority of the day beating myself up, and telling myself I will never look at that stuff again while convincing myself it was just because of the alcohol and drugs in my body.

Almost 18 months ago I crossed paths with someone who very quickly became an important person in my life. The nights out I was having and the attempts to block out my current reality became less and less and I began envisioning a different reality, a reality where I was no longer a victim and instead would see myself as someone who brings a lot to other peoples lives, but I was also very aware that I still had a lot of work to do to even allow myself to start having feelings for someone.

After my last train wreck of a relationship I didn’t want to take any toxicity into a new relationship because it would only create the same results.

If I don’t change and improve, why would my next relationship?!

The less time I spent going out and the more time I looked inside myself I really began to like who Dan was, and spending time in Dans head was actually becoming a nice place to be.

Me and Charis started spending more time with eachother and May of 2019 something had changed inside me, I knew I could bring something to a relationship and I knew that I was ready to ‘try on’ this new and improved Dan in the form of a committed relationship.

The proposal wasn’t earth shatteringly romantic but we both just knew that this was the right time.

I made a promise to myself that I would allow myself to be seen in this relationship, something I have always fantasised about is being in a relationship and knowing that I can just be myself, no manipulation, or trying to portray a version of myself that I think is more lovable, just showing up as my true self.

One thing that I love about our relationship is the deep conversations we have and how we allow eachother that space to be vulnerable and seen.

A few months ago we went for lunch in one of our favourite places (painters café) and I felt an energy that was kind of drawing me in. We hadn’t really spoke much for the first 10-15 minutes and what came next left me just wanting to squeeze Charis as hard as I could, you know that urge you get to squeeze a kitten or a puppy because you feel overwhelmed with love in that moment.

Charis nervously started a conversation about porn. She went on to say that she watched something the other day that made her instantly feel ashamed and really sad. At this point I was unsure what she was going to say and I could feel butterflies in my stomach…

“I watched lesbian porn and after I felt so guilty and I started crying because I didn’t want to hurt you”

“That is so strange that you say that because lastnight I watched gay porn and I felt the same, I was ashamed and worried that it would hurt you” I replied.

We just looked into eachothers eyes and all I could feel was an immense amount of love for her, the fact that in that moment we were so aligned but fearing the hurt it might possibly bring to the other person.

We went on to speak about both of us maybe exploring these specific avenues and the logistics of it, in that moment I felt so loved and supported with an area of my life I’d struggled with for years.

Both of our fears were the complete opposite of the truth, and by Charis opening up and being vulnerable, she indirectly gave me permission to open up and be vulnerable.

Now the scene has been set, I want to share something with you that previously, as you can tell, I would have been terrified of anyone finding out.

So before I share this with you I want you to understand my reasoning for being so open about this.

The majority of my life has been filled with shame around sex, I’ve often wished that I just had a ‘normal’ sexuality where nothing was to far from the mainstream ideology surrounding sex, I’ve even considered the possibility of having some form of sex addiction, none of which sat well with me so that left me with 1 alternative…

Embrace my sexuality and enjoy it, because after all, if our genitals were purely for procreation purposes then sex wouldn’t be pleasurable.

A few weeks ago on a night out I ended up engaging in sexual activity with another man. Now this didn’t go as I had hoped, partly due to how nervous I was, but also because I couldn’t help but judge myself which resulted in the experience being more of a little ‘teenage fumble’. In that very moment I wanted some reassurance from Charis because I was scared that she might now see me differently to the point where I felt sick to my stomach, so many feelings were coming up for me and I was struggling to rationalise everything.

When I got home I laid on my bed trying to make sense of everything, all I could think of was although I knew I am in a relationship where we can both sit in uncomfortable emotions and have open conversations, how the fuck do I tell her that I have gave myself permission to experience something that still even to this day carries a lot of stigma.

I began thinking,

What if she actually can’t handle this and doesn’t support me,

What if this rocks the boat so much that I feel judged and I can’t deal with it,

How do I have a conversation I have NEVER had before?!

I spent the whole of Sunday at Charis’s with this stirring of mixed emotions inside me, half of me felt proud and empowered, and the other half felt scared in case this side of me was potentially unlovable in this relationship.

Monday morning upon waking I was feeling a completely different emotion…

Excitement, I was so excited to have this amazing opportunity to be truly seen and whatever the outcome I knew I was doing the best for me, something I have very rarely done. You may think of this as selfish and I would have to agree with you, but this is what I’ve learnt about relationships… if you share things truthfully and honestly with your partner based on what you actually want for yourself and your relationship, and your partner acts differently towards you, judges you, or takes it so personally that your relationship begins to experience toxicity that you can’t get through, then atleast you know that the relationship you are in isn’t going to be a relationship that will facilitate self growth and therefore means it will have a very short shelf life.

Relationships aren’t meant to be shackles holding you down but act more as wings to lift you to new heights propelled with unconditional support and love.

The conversation began as we were in the car driving towards Colchester… I started it by saying, “I’ve got something I really want to tell you but I’m a little unsure how you are going to take this” “ok I’m scared now” replied Charis nervously. Telling her about everything that happened Saturday night I really tried not to have any expectations of the outcome but instead just give her all the information, no manipulation, no lies, just the 100% honest truth.

The last bit of the journey was fairly quiet to be honest, I don’t think either of us really knew what to say or even whether to say anything at all.

We parked up and went to the closest coffee shop so we could sit down and speak abit more but this time face to face. I told her how hard it was for me to go ahead and actually act on these thoughts ‘that night’ and my biggest fear being that she would think differently of me. She told me that, of course it hurts to hear that you have been with someone else but I just want you to know I love you and support you.

Over the next few days we had some really tough conversations, but they really enabled us the opportunity to learn things about eachother and more importantly ourselves. I would say that we communicate reasonably well and are open and honest but we’ve learnt that our communication skills are an area we need to focus on a lot more.

We are still working through this and setting clear boundaries when it comes to us both exploring our curiosities surrounding our sexuality, and how we can support eachother fully because I don’t want my fears or insecurities to stop Charis from experiencing all the pleasure she wants because after all we only get one life and I have no right to tell her what she can and can’t do with her own body.

The person I want to be is the person that is able to metaphorically high five Charis when she tells me how much fun she had doing x,y and z, and when I get to that point I know I will be living in a state of love and NOT fear.

I’m still learning to love who I truly am and that only comes with giving myself permission to be truly seen. I’ve already had a bit of backlash which indirectly has affected Charis, no one wants to see their partner being ridiculed or judged, but the thing is, I have done so much to get to this point and although sharing this now as openly and honestly as I am does still bring up feelings of ‘what will people think of me’ I feel I have a duty, not only to myself, but also every other person who is carrying around a suitcase full of shame around, and if by me opening up and talking about things gives someone else that bit of courage to open up, then little by little we all begin to allow eachother to step into who we truly are, NOT who we think we are meant to be.

P.s I am so full of gratitude for my life and everything in my life right now, I have an amazing girlfriend, I have a family that love me, I have a handful of very close friends and I have the opportunity to help people on a daily basis

Live your life unapologetically you!