Unbecome The Master Of Manipulation And Speak Your Truth

Very few of us ever become a master of anything, because to master something, you have to be so dedicated that you will do whatever it takes to get to the top of ‘your game,’ and for most, this level of commitment is seen as selfish,

But…

I want to impose on you an alternative, a paradox if you will, where your mind will begin questioning whether or not you are indeed, a master of manipulation.

Now I don’t want to use the kind of terminology you’d hear from a hugely respected athlete that has come to the end of their career, and whose life’s mission is now to inspire and influence others to achieve greatness,

But instead, authored by a 31 year old man sat infront of his laptop, in a vest and a scruffy pair of ‘lounging shorts’ whose life’s mission is to provoke thought, and inspire change, so you can visualise and experience an amazingly fulfilling life outside of societies little cage.

Feeling dubious?

Well put on your big gender neutral pants and follow me in to the fray…

Tread carefully my little apprentice for the ground is treacherous as we embark on our first mission…

Apprentice level 1: Do I look fat in this?

You’ve got a meal out planned with a few friends and their partners and as always the painstaking process of ‘operation queen’ begins hours before you’re due to go out.

a couple of hours later, you fearfully walk towards the flight of stairs as you try to pluck up the courage to make the climb…

The sound of ‘it’s raining men’ bellows into your ears as you are met with the intense smell of perfume, sweat and tears,

Every fibre of your being is telling you to retreat back to the sofa as you are hit with the apocalyptic feeling of deja vu, but for the greater good you trundle on.

You walk into The Lovemaking Quarters, where you are faced with a beautiful lady fighting with an equally beautiful garment, just as you were about to intervene the battle is won, and your beautiful lady turns around and utters the most earth-shatteringly feared words of all…

‘Do I look fat in this?’

You take a huge gulp and swallow back down your pounding heart as you wipe the sweat from your brow.

Although you think it’s not the most flattering how can you let her know this without her taking it personally and refusing to go out?

‘No, you look lovely’ as the weight of the world has just removed itself from your shoulders.

>>> LEVEL 1 COMPLETE <<<

That was a close call but don’t get complacent now that was just the beginning.

Putting on your mask: level 2

This is probably the most important of all, to hide your true identity,

Let the lesson begin!

You lift your left foot up, and just before you can put it infront of your right foot, you are immediately transported back in time to when you first met your partner.

You’ve got a jd and coke in your hand and vision impairment goggles over your eyes.

You see a stunning girl over at the bar ordering her drink, and in your drunken courageous state you decide to do the peacock walk over to her, puffing your chest out in the hope you can bag a date, or at the very least a phone number.

Obviously this is the stereotypical ‘good looking girls end up with dickheads’ because through your egotistical ‘trying to be alpha’ persona, you managed to persuade her to go on a date with you.

You wake up the next day with a mouth as dry as *insert a filthy metaphor and the sense of conflict bigger than the battle of Winterfell…

Do you show up as the deep thinking, polite emotional man that you are, or do you show up as the alpha, egotistical man that got you the date in the first place?

*Sidenote, think about every area of your life where you have to interact with people,

Work,

Social occasions,

Family gatherings,

Relationships,

You hear the words of your master in your ears ‘this is probably the most important of all, to hide your true identity’

Before you have time to ponder anymore, you are catapulted into the exact moment before you walk out the door to go on your date…

I MUST NOT appear as my true vulnerable self, and with that thought you put on your mask, and walk out your front door.

>>> LEVEL 2 COMPLETE <<<

Awesome work soldier, now this next phase will grant you Master status!

Are you ready to become the Master Manipulator whose ninja like in stealth never truly being seen or heard?

Society conformity: Level 3

Suit up partner, this is where it could all come crashing down and you could giveaway your true identity.

You’ve been in a relationship for *insert how long, and you are happy, content and excited to continue creating a future together, but recently your sex life has become vanilla and routined at best, that’s when you are actually fortunate enough to have sex.

You’ve been watching more and more porn in private, and often find yourself fantasising about other people.

The last few weeks have had you scouring the internet for alternatives, as you DO NOT want to go behind your partners back and cheat on them.

You soon find blogs from couples and relationship experts that talk about consensual non monogamy, this begins to bring up a flurry of emotions that you’ve never had to explore,

Such as;

Could I have sex with someone else guilt free even knowing my partner gave consent,

Could I deal with the fact my partner slept with someone else and not take it as a personal attack,

Could I deal with all the awkward conversations and judgements from friends, family and anyone that felt they were entitled to an opinion,

As the days go by and the sex is becoming a bigger issue and bringing up feelings such as resentment and frustration the thought about this whole consensual non monogamy begins to get louder.

You fear that if you openly communicate about this then you will hurt your partner and potentially end up losing someone you love,

You also fear that by not communicating openly and honestly then you aren’t showing up as your true self and this can only mean one thing…

Your partner doesn’t love the real you, only the version that you are allowing your partner to see.

Do you ask for advice from people who will only give you back their emotional biases and insecurities,

Or

Do you speak to the person you love in order to be able to go another layer deep in your relationship and connect on a far deeper level,

TIMEOUT…

I want you to think about your sex life now and ask yourself ‘am I showing up as the true me, or am I only sharing the parts of my self that I know are safe and easier to ‘love”

Is your partner a possession of yours or are you individuals supporting eachother to become the best versions of themselves and giving yourself permission to explore every part of your desires and curiosities?

It’s crunch time son…

Master status or removing your mask and identifying yourself?

In life we have a few constants but none greater than to tell your truth or to ultimately manipulate.

Every time you choose to hide your truth no matter how big or small you are falling into the manipulator role, trying to manage someone else’s feelings is a recipe for disaster and an unfulfilled life where you’re only teetering on the edge of all the amazing possibilities out there for yourself.

When you tell your truth it allows others the chance to really see you instead of a facade that you portray.

Your life is exactly that, YOURS and if you aren’t being true to yourself then your pushing people away from you that really should be in your life and attracting people that maybe shouldn’t be playing as big a role as they currently do.

NEVER stop exploring your personality and ALWAYS communicate your truth because who knows, by not having a potentially uncomfortable conversation you might be stopping your relationships from becoming something you have always wanted.

Do you want 110% real genuine people in your life?

Then first you need to become 110% real and genuine!

Assumptions only make an ass out of you and me 😉

To unbecome anything you have to first realise what you have become.

Since i’ve been communicating openly and honestly i’ve attracted someone into my life that pushes me to be the best I can be, and this allows for a relationship built on something far greater than just societies mould of what a relationship should look like, where we can both explore parts of ourselves that we’ve never felt comfortable before.

The Curse Of The Positive Memory Syndrome

Why the fuck do you write these blogs?

(Well Natalie, firstly fuck you)

Well Natalie i’m very pleased you asked,

I think in life we get so caught up in the things we should do, like work, changing nappies, going to the gym, pursuing financial goals, that we forget to do things for no other reason than pure enjoyment,

Whether it’s playing video games,

Going for a kickabout up the field,

having a regular day catching up with the girls, gossiping about the new guy that has flagged up as an arsehole,

reading a book,

And for me, writing.

Writing is something that chills me out, and gives me a sense of freedom to express exactly how i’m feeling, for no other reason, than just getting it out of me, and onto my laptop screen with no expectation or fear of judgement,

Until……………

It came to writing this blog!

So I sat at my desk yesterday, opened my laptop, and loaded up my wordpress site………..

I sat there for over an hour trying to figure out a way to write a blog about missing someone, but not giving away the fact that I am actually missing someone,

Yes, you guessed it, it’s that fucking black widow again.

Did you know that their venom is considered one of the most poisonous, and although won’t necessarily kill a human it’s said that you will feel the effects long after the bite.

^^^ Very fitting!

And of course Scarlett Johansson mmmmmmmmmmmm I can’t wait for Avengers Infinity War in a couple of weeks!

So after not writing a single thing and not getting my blog out on blog day, I received a message from a friend, for the sake of this blog we will call her Becca.

So the message went something like this………..

So it’s blog day right………..

It is, but unfortunately I can’t bear to write a blog about missing someone when I still miss ‘her’

So why are you trying to force yourself to feel a certain way, you’re always so open and honest and if you feel like you can’t be with this one then change the blog.

Hit me like a tatty football to the face in the school playground on a cold January morning.

But she was right, why am I trying to cover up the fact that I still miss her??

This is exactly what my blogs are all about, being brutally and vulnerably honest for no other reason than its empowering for me, and if it resonates with someone then even better.

It’s almost like i’m ashamed to miss her, as if it’s some form of weakness.

None of us like to feel weak and powerless but missing someone and admitting to missing someone is no less than a strength in my opinion,

Let me explain….

Missing someone only proves that what you felt for them was real, and if you really loved them like you said you did, then this is only normal and shows just how much love you have to give, which I think is a strength,

Ever heard the phrase

‘how can you love someone and not love yourself??’

Again if you can love someone that much and you still miss them long after they are gone, then it just shows that you love yourself and are capable of giving that much love out.

Also if you can admit that you truly miss someone, not just when times are tough or you’ve had a shit day, but when you are happy and want to share whatever positive experience you’re having with them, then you are comfortable and confident in who you are to be vulnerable which again is another strength.

Unfortunately far too many of us are scared of looking vulnerable and weak through fear of being judged, all it does when you are being authentic and showing up as the real you is give everyone around you permission to also be themselves which creates much more of a stronger connection, not only to eachother but to yourselves aswell.

Remember life is all about connections.

Recently i’ve been having this dream over and over again and I don’t know whether there is something in it or whether i’m having that dream because I want it to happen and when i’m asleep I am slipping into the reality that I want rather than the one I have created when I open my eyes.

The thing is, i’m a hopeless romantic,  a soppy fucker if you will, but I am a firm believer in the universe giving us what we need when we need it and i’m currently trying to decipher if the dreams are the universes way of showing me something to almost pose the question,

Is this what you want…………

Truth is,

I don’t know.

Part of me feels like the last year had to happen (I can only speak for myself) in order for me to address some issues and insecurities I had and really understand what it is I want from life,

But the other part of me is thinking that served it’s purpose for both of us and it’s time to move on.

I haven’t been on a date for almost 8 months and definitely haven’t got emotionally attached to anyone and I know this is why i’m currently feeling like this because it’s got to the point now where i’m kind of on the edge of the platform,

Do I step back and continue to wait or do I step forward onto the train and allow it to take me to my next destination………

This is my biggest fear and if i’m completely honest scares the absolute crap out of me,

What if I step onto the train and then my dream becomes reality when i’m already on my new journey?

What if I step back and miss the train I should of stepped onto?

Unfortunately the only way I will know is to either do one or the other, after all that’s all I can do, react based on how i’m feeling today right at this very second and that’s all we can ever do, make a decision based on where we currently are now.

I have butterflies in my stomach as i’m sitting here typing this and just had to pause for 5 minutes to just stare out my window,

Do I know what I want?

Do we ever know what we want?

Everything around us right now is just an external picture of the choices we’ve made and continue to make every minute of every day.

Can I even face putting myself out there again potentially to end up in this same position writing another blog about the lessons i’ve learnt.

All that matters is right now, not yesterday, not tomorrow but now, right this very second because that is all we’ve got and that is all we will ever have, feel what you’re feeling, don’t force yourself to feel a certain way and just accept that you are doing the best you can do right now.

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Why NOT Getting Over Them Will Help You Get Over Them

So You’ve struggled coming to terms with the break-up and now you have an even bigger mountain to climb………….

Learning how to get over your ex,

^^^ This is where the real work begins!

After the break-up, you spent a lot of time sedating yourself and looking for things that would give you instant gratification, like drink, drugs and food this not only was unhealthy but the real devil was the guilt and shame this vicious cycle brought about.

Sunday afternoon after the night before and reality begins to kick in………..

You sit there dry-mouthed, and spaced out feeling like your life is going down the pan but this time is different, You make a promise to yourself that now you are going to finally take back control of your life and really start focusing on becoming the person you want to be.

For months you have felt as if you are never going to get over your ex, everything you do reminds you of them, you even find yourself doing things and going to certain places in the hope you will bump into them and rekindle what has been lost, if you’re fortunate enough you might even ‘see’ them only to realise that it wasn’t actually them,

But what i’ve come to realise is that,

You’re not going to get over them, and an even bigger realisation I had is (this one is the game changer) that’s it’s ok!

You will still think about them from time to time,

You will still care about them,

Things will still remind you of them,

And you may even still miss them,

But to truly get over someone you have to be ok with the fact getting over someone doesn’t mean you will never think about them again.

See the thing about break-ups is that everyone close to you becomes the expert………

They all think they know exactly what you need to be doing,

Spend time with friends,

Focus on your work,

Sleep with someone else,

But the truth is these are all just distraction techniques, and the fact of the matter is, you need to address your feelings and not hide from them, no amount of socialising, fucking or exercising will help you understand your feelings.

The Swiss psychologist Carl Jung said “what you resist, persists”

So by forcing yourself to get over your ex as quickly as possible you are only hindering the healing process.

You need to allow yourself to grieve, and you should not feel ashamed that you still think about them, because this is all part of the journey to loving yourself again.

You spend the rest of Sunday thinking about the areas of your life you want to improve, and the parts of your personality you want to work on,

After all this is what makes us human and we all have areas we can improve.

Monday morning you wake up and things just feel different, I don’t mean that suddenly everything is now all sunshine and unicorns, but you no longer feel this burning desire to remain loyal to your ‘love story’ that has taken over the last few months of your life.

You are now ready to start focusing on the most important relationship you will ever have…………

The relationship you have with yourself.

I realised that my biggest flaw is that I base my whole self worth around what I have to offer, not just financially although that is a big part, but emotionally as well, I take on peoples problems like they are my own and completely forget about myself in the pursuit of making them happy.

I had to learn that as much as I want to help people, I am not here purely just to save anyone, in fact, none of us need to be saved because we always have a choice,

You can help someone, but you can’t save them.

Now is your time to think about you, what you want from life and focus on the things that excite you.

For me I love writing, reading and going to tea rooms especially by the sea, and now I can do these things whenever I want.

I now have a Thursday Dan date where I wake up and decide what it is I want to do that day, purely just because I want to do it, most dates are focused around the cinema, coffee shops and reading, I’ve been called weird for doing a lot of things on my own but I genuinely love these days now.

Instead of looking at the things in you’re life that you are lacking, I found stripping it right back and investing more time and energy into the things I enjoy and that make me feel good, and less on the exact opposite.

Think about all them things you wanted to do when you were in a relationship, but didn’t because you put their wants before yours, well now is the time to be more selfish and feel ok saying no.

Remember this is now your time to fall on love with yourself again and improve on your flaws, you are not who you were yesterday and tomorrow you won’t be who you are today and this is the beauty of life, we are forever evolving and we can become the person we have always wanted to, if we put in the work and not distract ourselves with instant gratification.

This is going to be really hard and at times you will slip up and fall back into bad habits where that Sunday reality check feeling will plague you, you will get lonely at times and you may even message your ex, but please DO NOT GIVE UP, your future self will thank you.

Become the person that you are proud of every single day, and never forget how amazing you are even with your flaws and mistakes you’ve made!

I want to leave you with a line that i’m sure someone else has said but i’m claiming,

‘I am not single, I am in a committed loving relationship with myself’

 

This is an entry in my journal a few weeks after splitting up, and what i’ve learnt is that it was ME missing Dan, I lost myself but i’m now so proud of the person I am today, I enjoy my life and have so much to be thankful for!

This has all been a necessary part of my journey of self development and for that I am forever grateful.

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