Toxic Masculinity – we are sorry

This is not going to be a shaming of men, lord knows I’ve shamed myself enough nor is this going to be a pity party for all us men to get our rocks off but instead this is going to be a letter of acknowledgement and recognition of our weaknesses and our reasonings behind them while making a commitment to rewrite the bullshit narrative that we have embodied of toxic masculinity.

As little boys growing up many of us were not taught how to express our emotions this could be due to our fathers not being taught by their fathers, but also due to men being told that being a man means that we are strong (NEVER weak) we provide (ALWAYS) and we just get shit done (IRREGARDLESS of how were feeling) this has only been confounded by the term ‘man up’

A recent example of this I witnessed was on dinner date (a ‘reality’ tv show) where a young female said to her date (a man in his early 20’s) “are you a real man and take your steak rare?” it was obvious to see that he didn’t know how to respond and all I could think of was how would the response differ if he said to her ‘if you were a real woman…’

Now like I said this is not a pity party I just want to share my views and personal experiences when it comes to the struggles that us men encounter and try to offer a solution for us all to celebrate eachothers differences.

Going through our teenage years we are only shown more proof that the ‘bad boys’ are the ones that ‘get the girl’ which only makes us question ourselves even more and wish that we could be more like them.

We judge ourselves for feeling, we judge ourselves because we don’t have the body, we judge ourselves because we don’t have the sexual experience, we judge ourselves because we aren’t popular and we do anything and everything we can to try and mould ourselves into more of what we see you want and less of what we actually are.

This comes with a whole host of problems as we enter our late teens and right through our early to mid 20’s as we fall into the socially acceptable trap of binge drinking and recreational drug taking. This again is just another attempt to fit in and effectively escape who we really are.

This has been coined boy psychology which really just means a male that hasn’t transitioned into manhood.

So really what is the difference between a boy and a man?

This is something that so many people have opposing views on and it really just comes down to how we choose to view our own ‘inner boy/child’ and can look at this objectively enough to differentiate the two.

This is what I believe a man is v what a boy is;

A boy is very egocentric and is predominantly about being of service to self,

A man is of service to self but for the betterment of others.

To simplify and put it into Layman’s terms here are my personal experiences and opinions of how a boy acts,

  1. A boy objectifies females and views them as sexual gratification ‘toys’
  2. A boy is scared of real intimacy and chooses to live life looking round every corner for danger.
  3. A boy will use porn because it’s easier than being truly vulnerable with his partner.
  4. A boy uses alcohol/drugs to numb himself from his actually reality.
  5. A boy uses females as a way to gain validation and feel worthy.
  6. A boy is deceitful and doesn’t honour his word.
  7. A boy buys things to gain approval from others.
  8. A boy is needy.
  9. A boy is a victim of life.
  10. A boy wants things handed to him.
  11. A boy sees other males as competition.
  12. A boy wants to be saved.
  13. A boy doesn’t have a purpose.
  14. A boy is emotionally immature.
  15. A boy needs constant praise and approval.
  16. A boy doesn’t really know who he is and crumbles any time he receives criticism.

A man;

  1. A man is independent.
  2. A man takes full responsibility.
  3. A man creates from a place of love and service.
  4. A man doesn’t use things such as alcohol/drugs/sex/masturbation to escape life.
  5. A man can compliment another man.
  6. A man serves humanity.
  7. A man views females as the most powerful creators.
  8. A man is purpose driven.
  9. A man is emotionally stable.
  10. A man is fully in his power and doesn’t crumble under ‘attack’
  11. A man only needs his own permission.
  12. A man knows who he is and what he stands for.
  13. A man doesn’t judge others instead seeks to understand others.
  14. A man leads by example.
  15. A man accepts his mistakes and focuses on becoming better every day.
  16. A man protects.

You may or not agree with some or even any of these and that’s ok but what I would invite you to consider is what internal agreements are you living by and are they in alignment with the type of man you want to be?

The journey to manhood is a treacherous one and we will take a lot of arrows along the way but we have to dust ourselves off and continue on because the world, OUR world relies on us!

I want to finish this by apologising;

We are sorry, we are sorry for using you (females) for our own selfish gain, we are sorry for using you as emotional sounding boards instead of committing to the daily actions and commitments to heal our childhood wounds, we are sorry for running away from your love and NOT doing the work to feel worthy of it, we are sorry for the pain and the heartaches we have caused due to our lack of vulnerability, we are sorry for the nights you lay there wondering why you were never enough, we are sorry for the things we said and done because we weren’t willing to look inside ourselves first, we are sorry for the fatherless children you’ve had to raise, we are sorry for the broken promises and the times we didn’t honour our word,

We are sorry to the world for playing into your bullshit narrative or ‘toxic masculinity’ and we take full responsibility for everything in the past…

BUT…

Now we step into manhood,

Now we show you everything we are capable of and wrap you up in our loving protection and offer you the safety to fully embody and share your amazing gifts with the world.

We need your nurture and we need your love, and NOW we commit to be of service to you and for you instead of looking for ways to manipulate you for our own personal gain.

We will be the safety for girls to transition into women and we will be the new reference point for what it means to be a man so that you never accept any less than in your life.

We are sorry and we are committed!

Yours lovingly,

Men.