Heal The Boy And The Man Will Appear

Heal the boy and the man will appear

what feelings does that title bring up in you?


When I first heard that a couple of years ago, it hit with an element of shame attached to it,


funny that considering my whole life has been a whole barrage of shame due to good old religious programming and conditioning.


rationally I knew what the term meant but what I heard was a gentle whisper of ‘you’re not a man unless you sort your shit out’ and this blog is all about ‘my shit I needed to sort out/heal’


For so much of my life I have been terrified of true intimacy, I would never let people get too close, whether you were a friend, a family member, or an intimate partner I would only invite you in so far.


Now I believe that this is our work as individuals and as a collective human race to create the safety to remove those barriers around our heart,


Firstly for ourselves, and this is what will allow us to be fully expressed in the world, which leads to unadulterated, unapologetic, self expression and the deepest connections we all truly desire.


What needed to be healed in me was a belief that I was bad/dirty/wrong/self-abusive/sinful and basically unlovable.


Now where did this belief come from?


ok…

I’ve got to pause here for a second and take 3 deep slow breaths

My inner child is now clinging on to my leg and pleading with me not to share this because he is worried we will be laughed at, judged and he is scared that it will put us back in that state of suffering i’ve been in effectively for 20+ years since it happened.


Sorry back in a second I just need to console him.


“Young Dan, I want you to know that i’m so grateful that you are expressing your fears and concerns with me, and I completely understand where they are coming from, because I too, am a little unsure, but I want you to know that whatever happens i’ve got you, and I always will have you, your loving big brother Dan”


Sorry about that everyone lets proceed…


So when I was about 11 or 12 as a young Jehovahs witness boy me and another Jehovahs witness friend of the same age began experimenting with eachother.


Now neither of us really knew what we were doing, and we also ‘knew’ that it was wrong and Jehovah wouldn’t be happy about it, but being the age we were, our hormones and curiosity were far stronger than the feelings of ‘wrongness’ that were also present.


This went on for a few months.


It came to a very abrupt ending when my friend could no longer deal with the guilt of what we were doing.


Both his parents were very ‘in’ the religion, and I think possibly this was why he felt far more guilt than what I did.


My mum was a Jehovahs witness and my dad wasn’t, so as much as my mum tried to steer me on to the ‘right path’ singlehandedly my mum was unable to indoctrinate me into those teachings as much as his parents were.


By the way I just want to be clear that I don’t hold on to any judgments about our parents being better or worse than eachother, just parents that were doing what they believed were the best things for their children.


He told me that he was going to tell his parents as he couldn’t do it anymore because he knew it was wrong.


This terrified me even as a young boy because I knew the extent of how ‘bad’ this was that we’ve been doing.


After all this came out we were spoken to by the elders (you could call them priests I suppose) and they had the job of telling us how wrong it was and why Jehovah would not approve of it.


Now as i’m sure you can imagine as a 11 or 12 year old boy, being told this by fully grown men, the message they were trying to convey was not the message that I heard.


The most vivid memory I have of this whole experience is one of me and my mum.


My mum and dad had a little table just as you walked into their bedroom with 2 chairs and this is where we would sit and have our weekly bible studies.


We used to have regular bible studies which I actually really enjoyed because it was time that me and my mum had together.


After all this came out we had a bible study about why this behaviour needed to stop.


Now this is how the memory looks to me and I can’t explain it or see it any other way.


I am standing behind me and my mum sat at the table as the adult version of me right now.


My mum is showing me scriptures from the bible explaining to me why Jehovah wouldn’t approve.


I see my mum next to a little boy feeling inadequate, feeling embarrassed, feeling scared that he had let his mum and dad down and I see him just shrinking more and more into the chair.


Strangely enough, you may think, I also see my mum as a holy being, a nurturing loving mother who was trying her best to ‘save me’ (if you’re unaware of the Jehovahs witness fundamental teachings then effectively if you go against Jehovah he will murder you along with everyone else that isn’t a Jehovahs witness at Armaggedon) and this is something i’m trying to help my mum recognise, as she holds on to a lot of guilt around raising her 2 boys in religion and how it has affected us, even though I think she also still believes the teachings.


Which by the way mum, you could never be or do anything that would make me stop loving you, my love for you is not out of choice, I don’t choose to love you, I just love you unconditionally, full stop.


Now this whole traumatic experience created a HUGE amount of shame that I have only been consciously aware of for the last few years.


This is where my absolute terror comes from when I think about letting someone fully into my heart.

The story i’d created was that if God who is unconditional love is telling me this part of me is wrong, then how can I ever trust a mere human to tell me otherwise?!


4 years ago when I went through the toughest time ever in my life after being arrested for an allegation of attempted rape, I knew then that I had created this unconsciously because I needed to heal the little boy in me that was still holding onto shame around sexuality.


funnily enough this pushed me even further down into shame and I NEEDED an outlet for this shame which at the time I didn’t consciously choose but became ‘my thing’ for being seen.


I was trying to rewrite this story into a much healthier, liberating story that didn’t leave me feeling ‘bad’.


since going through therapy (i’ve just finished this week my 3 month journey) I have been able to recognise what I was actually recreating…


So my thing became being watched masturbating either in person (while on cocaine) or over video call.


This was me crying out for the validation that in fact I wasn’t bad and I was normal.


Unsuprisingly knowing what I know now, what I was actually recreating and perpetuating, was this cycle of shame, it never filled that void, and it never made me feel good enough, all it done was leave me feeling worse and believing the story that i’m bad, even more.


The most profound thing my therapist enabled me to recognise came from a simple question that i’d NEVER been asked and i’d never even asked myself…


That question was,


“When you and your friend were doing what you were doing did you enjoy it?”


FUCK!!!!


This literally halted me in my tracks and brought me to my knees because in all of this and all of these years of holding on to this story I never even thought about if I enjoyed it!


I sat their for about 30 seconds in silence just looking at her and feeling what was coming up…


I replied,


I have never ever thought about that or been asked that, but yes I did enjoy it and I didn’t want it to stop.


Realising this and being able to admit it to myself and to her, instantly brought so much relief with it, because in that moment I connected with the real me, the part of me that had been shoved so far down and had been residing in that fiery pit of hell/shame and was now invited to come out with ZERO judgement.


She went on to help me realise that as a result of me enjoying it but being told I was wrong for it so much of my sexuality was attached to ‘well if it’s bad then I enjoy it and if I enjoy it I must be bad’


Now this was SOOOO profound and hit me straight in the truth (where we actually live, our truth, who we really are) and with that a huge feeling of self compassion engulfed me, I could see that innocent 12 year old boy in every ‘mistake’ i’d made and I could let go of all the hurt i’d caused because I too was in pain through all of it.


Now I would not be here now if it wasn’t for my girlfriend.


3 years ago when we met I had started ‘doing the work’ and i’d been blogging regularly for a few months, which was kind of like my therapy, and another way for me to be seen without actually REALLY being seen.


Anyway, she resonated with a blog I wrote about loneliness (I used to write a lot of blogs about how I was currently feeling) that blog I wrote had planted a seed and a few weeks later she reached out.


we got speaking and for 9 months built a friendship that really was the catalyst for my healing.


Charis invited me out of my own suffering and really showed me what unconditional love was,


It has taken me 4 years to feel worthy of it, but if it wasn’t for her love at a time when I couldn’t love myself, I would not be the man I am today!


Charis was my reward from God for ‘starting the work’ and has supported me and inspired me every single day,


In fact it was only because of her that I started having therapy.

She was my strength and my safety to truly surrender to love and intimacy.


These last 11 months have really been a metamorphosis of deep deep transformation, where I can now be that loving nurturing big brother or parent of ‘little Dan’ and give him exactly what he needs whenever he is feeling scared or less than.


I really see my work now as a practise of having the courage to bare all, and every time I look for something or think about something in the form of intimacy outside of my relationship, to firstly be aware of that being an old fear based programme running in the background, and acknowledge 12 year old Dan just feeling afraid.


I don’t believe that 1 partner can give us everything, but I also believe we don’t get to forfeit the possibility of first of all giving our partner the opportunity to be however that may look.


I have to first of all fully express myself and my desires to my partner, then and only then can I think about outsourcing.


This is my work.


My mission or purpose if you will, in this world, is to be a light for others to see just how beautiful unapologetic self expression is, and empower them to step more into who they truly are.


Vulnerability is my superpower,


Are you ready to uncover yours…

The Beatles meeting me and my mum 2 years ago in Liverpool.

The Curse Of The Intimacy Mask

Part 2.

So part 1 was all about my struggle with expressing myself fully through sex and keeping part of myself hidden behind a mask.

If you’ve followed my blog for a while now you will know that this is exactly how I like to write these 2 part blogs because I feel it’s important to always share my own struggles and experiences first almost as a way of gaining permission to move on to expressing my opinions without coming across as a keyboard warrior that has no clue how the world works, and since, yes i’m blowing my own trumpet here, I feel I have a very good understanding of how the world works my aim is to help you, at the very least look at your struggles and experiences more open-mindedly.

Now i’m pretty sure this blog will ruffle a few feathers and if you suddenly feel a burning desire to kick me in the uncircumcised genitals then please be my guest, remember that whole fetish thing way back when 😉 I may or may not be serious!

One of my favourite quotes is,

“What doesn’t trigger you, doesn’t change you”

So, my aim is to trigger you into action to improve your current situation and be able to live a much more fulfilled life rather than settling for a shitty relationship that you feel trapped in.

Now let’s get into the nitty gritty…

First of all I want to talk about the 4 different kinds of intimacy and why they are important and even vital, not only in a romantic relationship but also your most basic needs as a human being.

  1. Emotional intimacy
  2. Intellectual intimacy
  3. Physical intimacy
  4. Spiritual intimacy

A relationship can survive without 1 or 2 of these but it will never give you everything you desire from a relationship.

*Bold claim number 1…

You start looking elsewhere when your relationship begins to lose 1 or more of these intimacy needs.

  1. Emotional intimacy – For me this would come in the form of stability and security, knowing that when I am feeling down my relationship and my partner will provide me with the feeling of safety to fully open up about how i’m currently feeling with no judgement and enable me to ‘get through’ whatever the issue is.
  2. Intellectual intimacy – Now for me this is probably the most important type of intimacy. I am always reflecting on the things i’ve done who I am and how I can become better and I need intellectual conversation daily, it’s like without it I get VERY bored and if that level of intellect isn’t there for me I can actually get quite frustrated and no longer want to be around that person.
  3. Physical intimacy – This is a whisker behind intellectual intimacy for me. I love physical intimacy and need a lot of it, I don’t just mean sex but more so just the physical touch of my hand on her leg, a grab of the bum, a stroke of her hair while she’s laying on me, our legs over eachothers while going asleep. I think that the most intimate touch is with hands/fingertips and lips, sidenote* having your finger sucked while having sex is somewhat magical and it really sends tingles down the whole body!
  4. Spiritual intimacy – Now this is the deepest form of intimacy you can share with someone. My take on this is when you are both aligned with eachothers visions and dreams and whatever they may be you NEVER hold your partner back. This takes true unconditional love to have this tight spiritual intimate bond and is very rare to find as it will almost certainly trigger insecurities in your partner. For instance, your partner wants to go travelling for 6 months and (this obviously applies to BOTH genders but lets use a female) she has asked you what you thought of her leaving her job and going next month. This has been a life long dream of hers well before meeting you but your initial response is that of narcissism and you turn it into ‘what about me’ if you have spiritual intimacy and unconditional love you may still feel that tummy churning ‘what about me’ reaction but you will support her unconditionally to fulfilling one of her dreams.

If you look at these subjectively you can certainly relate to why your past relationships have broke down.

Now i’m going off on a bit of a tangent here but as males we can have sex with virtually anyone just to fulfil that physical need, females on the other hand predominantly need or definitely prefer to have one of the other 4 intimacies met and are far less likely to just sleep with a stranger for a quick orgasm.

So what am I getting at here?

Newsweek estimates that 15-20% of couples are in a sexless marriage. studies show that about 10% of the married population below age 50 have not had sex in the past year and about 20% report only having sex a few times a year under the age of 40.

Now these statistics are shocking as it’s one of our basic needs but what I am questioning is why do some relationships end up like this,

First of all lets remove the bullshit excuse of we haven’t got time, because come on seriously a spontaneous quickie can be just as exciting as a long drawn out romantic night of endless passion, you do have time and here is the reason that you are choosing to not have sex with your partner.

This is in regards to monogamous relationships where both of you are physically and mentally able.

Blokes, as much as we want to be able to just pull our partners panties down and have our 3 minutes of fun sadly this will only be possible when your partners intimacy needs in the relationship are being met.

If you’re not there for your wife/girlfriend emotionally, intellectually and/or spiritually then why do you expect her to be there for you physically…

Remember a relationship is 2 sided and if one of you isn’t get one of your needs met then the other will start to shut down and not be willing to meet one of your needs, try and look at intimate relationships as a set of scales and if one side is getting more than the other then the relationship isn’t going to be balanced and therefore to balance it back out you both start refusing to take care of the others persons intimacy needs leaving the relationship empty.

My advise is to take some time out this week to really think about who you are and what you want, DON’T think about your partner, your kids, your family just think about what YOU want.

If your relationship is lacking 1 or more of these intimacy needs then you really need to address this and NOT bury your head because you have kids, a home, bills to pay, etc etc

We are all on our way out so we might as well live the best life we can!

I want to end this with something for you to think about,

If we look at all of our intimacy needs from the list of 4 above and we view cheating as getting your physical intimacy met by someone else outside of the relationship, then what about if you start choosing to get the other 3 intimacy needs met by someone out of the relationship?

^^^ Devils advocate.

Hope you’ve enjoyed this read and i’d love to hear your thoughts.

The Curse Of The Intimacy Mask

Part 1.

I suppose i’ve been wanting to write this blog for a while but as my coach says,

“We’re never ready until we’re ready”

I want to start off by letting you all in on one of the real reasons I write my blog, and why I am more than happy to share it with whoever stumbles across it.

Ok, so the first blog I wrote was a hugely emotional representation of the hurt I was feeling in the hope that my ex would stumble across it in some corner of the internet just like you have,

I know…

Cringeworthy!

The more I began to look inside myself and be brutally honest with why I do certain things, it became evident that i’d been wearing this mask in a botched attempt to disable my deepest form of self expression.

I’ve been carrying a little shame but mainly fear that if I share who I truly am I would lose those close to me.

I talk about sex a lot, and I think about sex a lot, but this isn’t just because I have a high sex drive, this is because I want to get rid of all the stigma surrounding sex particularly self expression and fetishes (suppose they could fall under the same bracket) and give others the courage and enable you to give yourself permission to fully express who you are without fear.

As we all know there are very few absolutes in life so everything I share are just my opinions based on my experiences.

Now let me take you back to my first relationship when I was 22…

We were together 6 years, she was my first love and even to this day we still care about eachother a lot.

Truth is I never ever showed her who I truly was, I showed her the parts of me that I loved but anything that I was a little unsure about or thought she couldn’t handle I kept hidden through fear of losing her.

I have a fearless adventurous side in all areas of my life, and HATE, to the point where I cut people out of my life, those that put limitations on things, but when it comes to rejection I think we all have this huge fear that we continue to feed so it actually grows into something that really becomes an issue.

Now i’m not one for what you would call ‘vanilla sex’ not that their is anything wrong with that if that’s your thing but neither was I ready to openly ‘bare all’ and potentially be rejected.

So I done what us humans do and buried my head (I mean in the sand, not between her legs)

I lived in fear that if she ever saw that side of me I would lose her and I really DID NOT want that!

Porn became a bit of an addiction for me and a way that I could express myself judgement free, but of course this is not what porn should be used for, in fact I often think we substitute things in order to actually address the real issue.

The more I think about intimacy and why we all crave it so much but very few get the real genuine connections we are looking for is because just like me you too are afraid of ‘baring all’ and taking off the mask.

Intimacy is really about standing in front of your partner while you’re carrying all these different bags of things we would call ‘issues’ and them looking in to your eyes and telling you ‘I SEE YOU, AND I STILL WANT YOU’

In reality this is all we want, we want to be accepted for who we truly are instead of living in fear and keeping parts of ourselves hidden from our loved ones in case they get up and leave.

This was literally the biggest breakthrough i’ve had which is why now I am so open about everything and actually have received comments like ‘maybe you shouldn’t put that out there’ or under the radar comments aimed at me by people that must think i’m stupid 😉 ‘why do people share so much on social media,’

Well let me tell you right now…

If you feel the need to water down your personality or hold back on expressing yourself in hugely important areas of your life such as sexually then you are setting yourself up for a very bitter unhappy unfulfilled life and you only have yourself to blame!

My personal reason for cheating was because rejection from someone you don’t love is an easier pill to swallow than rejection from that one person you want to be accepted by.

Start showing up as your true self and those who are meant to be in your life will naturally gravitate towards you and those that aren’t will drift away.