Failing at 30 Succeeding at 31

This time last year I was just about to turn 30, I had always been scared about turning 30, because as a young boy I thought that this was the age that you just have your shit together, 

In a secure, loving relationship/marriage,

Kids,

Mortgage,

Financial ‘comfort’

Happy,

Fulfilled,

The list goes on…

In actual fact NONE of these boxes were ticked and in all honesty the exact opposite was true!

Firstly I went through a really shit breakup the end of august, just as i’d got the keys to a new home, now going through a breakup can be bad enough (my first blog was titled the reality of a breakup) but the hardest thing about it wasn’t even the break up itself, but something surrounding it that left me broken <<< the expression my sister used after i’d turned up on her doorstep one night off my head (I go into more detail about this in my book which i’m aiming to complete by early March).

Secondly having to give up my house 8 months later, from having my best month at the start of August financially and things really starting to grow, to being a few grand in debt, not coping emotionally and trying to hold everything together with my business, and show up everyday with a smile on my face, it eventually got the better of me, but being the stubborn fucker I am, instead of choosing to give up my business and letting down all my clients I left my house, lost most of my deposit as i’d terminated the contract early, gave Simba to my mum <<< that was probably the hardest decision as he’d been there with me from the first week I moved into my house, and decided to move back into my gym, i’d been here before when I sold my car and moved out of my house when I first got the keys so I could put my money into the gym, but this time it felt like failure.

I was really struggling moving back into my gym and felt so embarrassed, ashamed and unsuccessful in every area of my life, especially when week after week my phone would be ringing to pay bills, and go through the embarrassing conversations of setting up payment plans which I still couldn’t afford, but was the minimum they would allow so it was something else that I just had to make work although had no fucking clue how.

Over the course of a year after the breakup, moving back into my gym and trying to pay off bills while struggling to feed myself, my escape had been drink, drugs and sex, spending money I didn’t have to wake up next to someone in the morning so I didn’t feel so alone to say it was rough was an understatement, and if I didn’t have my gym and my clients I truthfully believe that I would still be in that same vicious cycle now because they gave me a purpose to continue, trying to break out of it, and not just surrender myself to ‘this is now my life and i’ll never achieve anything’

I would say the last 3 months have been the happiest i’ve been in a long time, i’m no longer isolating myself, i’m allowing myself to feel again, I genuinely no longer care about being judged as I know that they are only looking at a mirror and not me and it’s nothing personal, I no longer feel like I have to weight train to be liked by others, I do it because I love myself enough to look after my body, I have started writing a book about emotions and masculinity based on my life experiences, I have started volunteering for a local mental health charity each week, i’m exploring new things in all areas of my life and refuse to remain stagnant and ALWAYS challenge myself.

I had a dream that when I turned 30 I would not only have everything in my life ‘together’ but that I would also be turning 30 in New York while it’s snowing and just being at peace with my life and the world,

But in actual fact my 30th year on this earth taught me so much more than I could of ever imagined,, and for that I will forever be eternally grateful, I wouldn’t of learnt to REALLY love myself, I wouldn’t of found this love for writing again like I had when I was a young boy and I wouldn’t of felt like I was worthy of helping out with a mental health charity.

My 30th year will always be the year that I look back and see the start of a huge level of growth and a massive transformation taking place that had me shed the old sabotaging layers of myself that were no longer serving me, and stepping into this new life that is ahead of me,

Dan, welcome to your 31st birthday!

Me and Simba 'working'

Light, Darkness and Broken Pieces

Disclaimer***

Before you go any further you have to promise to not take pity on me or feel sad or upset for me because I share these blogs with you because it’s ‘my thing’, my therapy, and my way of putting my vulnerability out in the world, to hopefully show you that it’s ok to feel,

Feel down,

Feel shame,

Feel guilt,

Feel lonely,

And any other emotions you might currently be feeling, and by no means should you have to cover these up, and shy away from sitting in these emotions, because these are an important part of who you are, and if you don’t allow yourself the time to just feel these emotions when they come through you, then you will never truly understand why you are feeling them in the first place, and learn exactly what you need to learn in order to become the person you want to be.

Take the time you need to be alone, and reflect on who you are, and who you are striving to become, but NEVER, EVER try to cover up your vulnerabilities, because they are what make you unique and perfectly imperfect.

 

So these last couple of weeks i’ve made a promise to myself to stop acting in a way that takes me further away from the person I want to be, this has made me realise how much i’ve been letting myself down, a lot of the guilt and shame i’ve felt has been my battles with knowing i’ve let others down, but finally, I have got to a point where I am now thinking about myself first, and it has come with a huge sense of empowerment and relief, a huge deep breath in, standing up tall, and holding eye contact at all times, but at the same time a massive deep breath out, and drop of the shoulders like that weight has just been lifted.

Lastnight myself my brother and ‘Abigail’ (if you follow my blog you will know who Abigail is) decided in the spur of the moment to go for a couple of drinks for my brothers birthday weekend, before ordering a curry and going back to theirs to chill out and indulge in our favourite Indian dishes.

It was so nice to be out and just be able to enjoy a few drinks with the ‘odd’ sambucca (eye roll in Abigails direction) and just chat without the want or need to get completely intoxicated and wake up the next morning with that gut wrenching feeling of anxiousness and regret while scrambling for your phone to check your sent messages.

With a belly full of curry, fermented apples and sticky ginger (again one of my favourites, mind out the gutter) gluten free cake I was feeling a little sleepy and rather than get a taxi I was thrown my nephews duvet and pillow to cosy up on the sofa with.

After they went to bed I began reflecting on my life over the past few years.

I began to have this sense of loneliness come over me I began speaking to one of my friends who the other day I had a very similar conversation with but this time it was my turn to hear some words of wisdom to help me see things for what they really are.

Halfway through our conversation my battery died and I didn’t have my charger with me so I had no choice but to put my phone down and roll over and go to sleep with nothing but my thoughts.

I woke up feeling a little dry mouthed but otherwise pretty good so after getting up and throwing the duvet and pillow back upstairs and saying bye I put my shoes on and left.

As I was driving home I knew that today I needed to be on my own, I needed a Dan date day and although I had plans for work stuff to be done I had to spend time reflecting on why I am feeling like this.

I got home got showered and dressed necked a protein shake and went out the door to begin the 30 minute drive to the cinema.

I had heard a lot of very good things the day before from a friend who had told me i’d love it and it made her sob like a little girl, this was exactly what I needed and I knew if it made her cry then i’d need to sit as far away from everyone as possible in the cinema because nobody wants to hear a 30 year old man whaling and sniffling in his seat.

5 minutes into the film I knew straight away that this was going to hit me like a ton of bricks, music, passion and a love story now this had the foundations of a very very good film.

without giving too much away, from the moment he met her he was addicted, he knew that she was special and he very quickly became besotted with her.

To find someone that sees the magic inside of yourself that you struggle to see is beautiful and one of lifes blessings, he believed in her SO much and gave her the confidence to step into her greatness so she could share her message to the world all while knowing that he was always there to hold her hand and never let her fall.

She was very close to forgetting who she truly was when the fame really hit her but after a big row and him telling her what she needed to hear and not what she wanted to hear you could sense that she no longer wanted the fortune and fame and this false image that she had become as it was beginning to take her further away from the most important thing they both had,

Unconditional love for eachother.

This film literally made me feel so many different emotions but yes she couldn’t of been more right when i’d been told i’d love it.

I’d spent almost 2 hours sat in the corner of the cinema crying my eyes out, the type of tears that feel as if they are coming from deep within your soul.

Now my life is good but at the minute I am going through what the guru’s and life coaches would describe as ‘a period of growth’

I have days when I feel on top of the world like nothing can touch me, i’m the most confident i’ve ever been, I know what I want but more importantly I know exactly who I am.

Then I have days like today when I have feelings of immense earth shattering loneliness where I just want to be on my own crying all day.

I often think on days like today how broken I am and have so many thoughts of selling everything I have and moving away to start a new life and maybe bump into my Ally (you must go and watch A star is born)

I often try and remember how it feels to be in love and when I see couples and watch films like today that have these love stories not only does it make me happy but it also reinforces the fact that I am lonely.

My thing now is I want to attract the best most amazing relationship into my life and to do this I need to become the person who deserves this and work hard addressing the ‘flaws’ I have so I can not only be immensely proud of who I am but also become someone that is able to inspire and support ‘her’ to achieve her dreams just like Jackson did with Ally.

For me I know to do this and really become that person I need to take myself away from certain things, places and even people which is one of the hardest things to do because these people are friends and I do not want them thinking i’m abandoning them but again I also understand that if they care about me they will respect why I am doing this and not take it personally.

I am by no means searching, i’m not on dating sites (not that there is anything wrong with them) and I am not pursuing anyone romantically because for me I know that when it’s my time that person will enter my life and it will just naturally fall into place.

I’ve only ever been in love twice and both have been very different but taught me things about myself that I am hugely grateful for,

I just want to say to you…………..

If you are going to bed alone tonight wandering what is wrong with you and why no one wants to be with you just remember that when you try to hard to be in a relationship you’re not going to be attracting the type of person that is going to love you unconditionally and look into your eyes at night while you’re laying in bed together and make you feel so safe and secure because until you become the type of person that you love and are proud of why would you attract someone into your life that will do that for you?!

Now I may be getting into bed tonight feeling lonely and maybe even wishing that someone was there with me I will by no means feel unworthy and unloved because this is my time to become that person that is going to attract my forever girl and relationship and I am not going to settle because of loneliness.

 

blog lady gaga

Disliking Yourself Is A Necessity Of Life

If you follow my blog you will know that this is just my platform to be completely honest, open and raw, in the hope that it helps someone realise that they are not alone, and in fact every single one of us has struggles and fears, and being vulnerable is massively important to start attracting the type of people and relationships into your life that you actually want, and not just surface interactions.

 

Now you might be wandering what the fuck I mean when I say disliking yourself is a necessity of life……….

 

Well, I invite you to take a trip with me down the rabbit hole where I will divulge my own personal experiences and feelings on this matter.

 

So, bumpy ride wasn’t it, sorry about that, but now you’re here lets make a pact,

 

Anything you’re struggling with right now, that you can control, I want you to promise me you will really think about how you can improve the situation, and take an action to move you towards that……….

 

*online pinky promise

 

Great!

 

One thing you may hear a lot that really frustrates me is ‘as long as you’re happy’

 

Now if happiness is the most important thing, then why are there rehabs for alcoholics and drug addicts, because when they have a drink in their hand, or a line rattling through their nostrils, they will be in their happy place and nothing else matters in that moment.

 

The last 12 months I have been having this internal battle of wanting to be happy long term and doing things that make me happy in the moment.

 

I am at my absolute happiest when I am on my own, either walking in nature,  by the sea, or sitting in a tea room drinking coffee eating cake and planning my next blog, but the biggest paradox in my life is I want to be in love, and create a life with someone, a partner in crime is my way of explaining it, someone I can share my biggest secrets and desires and weaknesses with and know that they are still going to be there, deep down we all have a set of expectations and a check list if you will of the things that are non-negotiable when it comes to a relationship, but this is where so many people get this the wrong way round.

 

After being in a really shit place from my last relationship I attached myself to something that allowed me to look at things abit differently,

 

So I could be happy in the moment and not let any feelings or emotions get in the way cocaine very quickly became my go to every single weekend.

 

I go out drinking and sniffing coke on a Saturday because as much as I love my own company, too much of anything can be a negative, and we all want to socialise and connect with people deep down.

 

Why cocaine has been a big part of me getting over my ex and putting that in the past, is because it creates a shield for me, a big fuck off piece of armour that defends my true feelings and emotions and lets me see women in one way.

 

Now if you’ve read any of my other blogs you’ll know why sex and passion are massively important for me, and cocaine enables me to almost objectify women so I don’t have to feel anything other than the obvious, now this is where the title of this blog comes from……….

 

The next day (99% of Sundays) I hate myself because I am potentially ruining any real sort of connections by objectifying them rather than interacting as the best version of myself just because I have had this wall up for over a year and I’m scared of falling in love again.

 

Now what so many of us do, is start looking for someone while we’re in this negative place to almost rescue us, but the truth is no one is coming to rescue you from yourself, you have to become the type of person that attracts that relationship into your life, remember like attracts like.

 

Now my dilemma isn’t the fact that I have been doing cocaine, because I really don’t have an issue with that I personally think alcohol can be far worse, but rather the fact that I have befriended it as a way of shutting the real me away.

 

The last few weeks I have felt myself regaining control, and the power shifting more in favour of choosing to do what I do at the weekend, rather than feeling like I have to do what I’ve been doing, thing is, everything can be used in a negative way even something that you would see as a positive so its about really understanding and reflecting on why you are doing something and asking yourself ‘am I in control or is this thing in control of me?’

 

The reason I am so grateful for the fact that I dislike myself on a Sunday is because it flicks a switch in me to go back to being the Dan that I am proud of and the Dan that is always striving for self growth so he can be more and do more for other people, if my only mission in life was to be happy I would continue to get intoxicated every weekend, objectifying women and never really finding that person I want to create a life with.

 

We all have parts of our personality that we dislike, and that is a positive, because it will always leave room for exploration and growth meaning that who you are today doesn’t have to be who you are tomorrow.

 

Don’t let your struggles or challenging times bring out a side in you that you dislike and allow it to define you, you can be the person you want to be and attract the type of relationship you want into your life you just have to first be honest and admit that you dislike yourself.

 

IMG_7843

 

 

Once A Cheat Always A Cheat

I’m sure you’ve all heard this phrase before, usually from someone who has been cheated on, saying this to a friend who has just been cheated on because they have an emotional bias which is not allowing them to look at this objectively.

Ironically this phrase is also used by those people that are under the opinion that hiding anything from a partner is cheating,

but let me explain to you the biggest flaw in this…………..

Whether right or wrong we are all guilty of trying to manage our partners emotions and feelings on a daily basis.

Say you get a text from someone that your partner doesn’t like, but you do, and the only reason they don’t like this person is because they feel threatened by them, although they won’t tell you this is the reason, they will say something along the lines of ‘he doesn’t just want to be your friend, he wants to get in your knickers’ or ‘I know what shes like, she’s a slag’ do you tell your partner you have received a completely innocent text knowing full well this will cause an argument,

Or do you hide it from your partner as they are in the wrong for feeling this way towards them and they need to manage their insecurities????

Well if you chose to hide it from them then i’m afraid you are a cheat, and what do we already know to be true about this situation………

Yep you guessed it,

Once a cheat always a cheat.

The dictionaries definition of the word cheat is ‘to act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage’

I personally think it all comes down to your intention and only you know what that is.

Now I want to take a look at the reasons that people cheat and why sometimes people that are in happy relationships aren’t always monogamous.

The more i’ve questioned my own personal relationships the more i’ve went in search of answers,

I stumbled across Esther Perel who is a psychotherapist and relationship expert whose opinions have really made me become so much more open minded to my once blinkered views on relationships.

Now for some people they will cheat because they aren’t happy in their relationship, but do not have the courage to end it before seeking out some form of affection from someone else.

Some people may also want to see if the grass is greener just out of curiosity, curiosity is a very powerful emotion.

Maybe a ‘cheater’ will find themselves in need of excitement and the thrill that they just aren’t getting in their everyday life and relationship.

Cheating can also happen when someone doesn’t feel they can explore their sexual desires with their partner, and with an almost stranger where there are no deep rooted emotions they can be who they want to be.

A lot of people will assume that the reason behind infidelity is actually just lust and lack of self control, although this can be the case, I would argue that someone in a relationship they don’t want to end, risking this decision being taken out of their control, is due to a much much deeper reason and not just the physical release.

Esther goes on to say that she has coached a lot of couples that are struggling to see a way past infidelity in the relationship,

Now this is something that I did not expect to hear especially from a woman,

Are you willing to lose someone who is amazing in all other areas of your relationship that has made a mistake and has held their hands up and asked to be forgiven and try and work through it??

There is no right or wrong answer here but here are a few things I would have you consider,

  • Do you still love them and are they good to you, look after you and make an effort in the relationship?
  • Can you forgive to the point that you won’t keep bringing it up every time you have an argument?
  • Will it make you act differently towards them and your relationship?
  • Do you want to learn to trust them again?
  • Is the relationship worth saving?

Now after someone has cheated in the relationship their will be a lot of emotions all over the place not just from the person who has been cheated on but also the person who cheated,

some of these are;

  • embarrassment
  • guilt
  • shame
  • hurt
  • anger
  • jealousy
  • frustration
  • bitterness
  • confusion

And if you’re really going to work through this you need to both understand that it’s going to take time and it will be hard work but as long as you are both strong and are putting in 110% effort to get to that point then there is absolutely no reason why you have to end the relationship.

Infidelity can make a relationship such a rollercoaster but as long as you both open up completely and vulnerably without any masks on and can listen to eachother then just because a friend of yours ended a relationship because they’d been cheated on DO NOT feel like you have to do the same thing,

Trust your gut and do what you feel is right for you and your relationship whether that means parting ways or working through it.

IMG_7175

Confessions Of A Cheat

This has to be one of the hardest blogs i’ve wanted to write, but I really hope it helps you come to terms with this if you are currently going through it or have been through it.

I almost took the easy route and was going to write this objectively, but the reason I love writing this blog and I think you enjoy reading it is because, i’m so open, honest and vulnerably raw that it so much more personal, which means you relate to it on a much deeper level.

So here goes,

Phone on airplane mode,

Deep breath,

I want to take you back a few years to when I was in a relationship, my first relationship and my first love.

Now if you know me or regularly read my blog you will know that I am a soppy, hopeless romantic, who cries over every rom-com and love story,

Seeing couples madly in love makes me happy, I suppose because it’s everything I want.

I was in my early 20’s no older than 22, and i’d fallen in love with a girl I could see my whole future with, kids, marriage family holidays, Sunday morning breakfasts around the kitchen table laughing and joking with the kids, before going out to feed the ducks while the roast chicken cooks,

I told you, soppy.

We were best friends, we’d have our weekend routine that both of us would look forward to all week,

Friday night would be a film and an indian takeaway,

Saturday night would normally be fajitas couple of drinks and x-factor,

And Sunday would be a nice lay in, followed by a cooked breakfast, then a roast dinner at our favourite pub The Lamarsh Lion,

These are the things you take for granted, and when they are gone you wish you appreciated them even more at the time.

On the outside looking in it would appear that everything was perfect or as perfect as a relationship can be,

Sure we had our ups and downs but we always got through them because we loved eachother and wanted to be together forever,

Actually that was kind of our saying,

together forever, and I bought her a charm for her Pandora bracelet that said exactly that.

But deep inside of me I had this demon or what I thought was a demon at the time trying to work its way to the surface,

It’s only been the last couple of years that it wasn’t a demon or anything to be ashamed of inside of me it was and is just me.

So how when everything was so good and I loved her so much did I cheat on her???

You may or may not know about my childhood and how I always struggled with confidence,

I was also brought up as a Jehovah’s witness which also gave me a lot of issues exploring my sexuality and desires.

As a 21, 22 year old lad I still wasn’t overly confident in the bedroom, don’t get me wrong I could have normal sex vanilla sex as I call it but actually having the confidence to express my deepest desires with someone that I loved was something I just couldn’t do.

Before being in a relationship i’d go out and the weekend getting drunk and sniffing coke and for me this is why I have spent years working on my self confidence because I didn’t want to feel like I needed to alter my state of mind with drink drugs to be able to fully express myself.

My biggest fear was sharing my sexual wants and desires with her and being laughed at or told I was disgusting and then losing her and what we had ‘just’ because of sex.

After about 5 years into our relationship having built my confidence up and starting my own personal training business I began to fantasise more and more about these things to the point where my phone was used just as much for porn as it was contacting friends and family.

The turning point in our relationship was when one of us had to start speaking to a therapist about anxiety and depression.

For me sex is not just physical it’s when I feel most loved and when you can both be at your most vulnerable and still feel so comfortable its one of the best feelings ever.

If you’ve suffered with anxiety or depression you will know that physical contact and sex are probably not something that is going happen very much if at all.

At first it started out as someone to talk to but very quickly it became apparent that we had a genuine connection.

I no longer felt like I had to be the Dan in his early 20’s I could be present Dan and this was so freeing.

One day one thing led to another and in that moment I didn’t feel like that boy in school who was scared of being himself in front of girls, I didn’t feel like I had to hold back and I wasn’t scared of being judged.

Now this come with a shit load of feelings I had to deal with and try to understand how the fuck I have just done what I did.

I had cheated on the girl I loved and would literally do anything for and as amazing as I felt at the time the guilt would become the only winner.

I had so many emotions and feelings that were eating me up but at the same time it become an obsession.

I wanted to tell her what i’d done but I knew how much it would hurt her, I don’t like lying but Now I had created an even bigger demon inside me,

GUILT.

When it all come out as it always does I felt so ashamed and just wanted to hide away, I remember one of the last times I saw my ex who I still loved and just how much pain she was in and knowing that i’d caused that was one of the hardest things i’d ever seen,

My best friend and girlfriend was broken and it was all because of my actions.

The relationship ended and as time went on I had to speak to someone to help me deal with the guilt of what i’d done and really try to forgive myself,

I still don’t think i’ve fully forgiven myself and not sure if I ever will but all I can do is learn and remember to always be true to myself.

Something that has been a huge realisation for me is that when you are not fully showing up as your true self you are only stopping people in your life getting to know and love the real you,

Yes it’s scary being open. honest and vulnerable but would you rather hide a part of yourself from the world through fear of rejection or would people getting the know and love the real you be worth that risk???

This blog is by no means me trying to condone what I did but rather just to share my own personal experience before my next blog part 2.

So if you are currently going through this i’d just urge you to take a step back and really think about what the best decision is for you, your future self will thank you as soon as you start being true to yourself.

IMG_6582

Picture taken at my favourite spot to plan my blogs :).

Should You Get Back With Your Ex

You’ve recently split up with your partner, and this has left you feeling lost, confused and with a million and 1 questions as to why and what you could of done differently, but the biggest question you keep asking yourself is,

Should I get back with my ex?

Now this is definitely not black and white as every relationship and break up is different, so I want to help you understand what the right decision for you BOTH is.

I’ll give you a couple of minutes to put the kettle on and grab a pen and paper.

Are you sitting comfortably?

Now this may seem like a check list of pros and cons you’d make when buying a house or booking a holiday, but I promise you, this will help you come to the best decision moving forward.

The first question I want to help you understand is,

Why do I want to get back with my ex??

Do you want to get back with your ex because you feel lonely?

You’d stopped seeing your friends and gave everything to your partner and now they are no longer there you feel like you have no one……..

Do you want to get back with your ex out of habit?

you’ve spent every day speaking to them seeing them and planning your weekends together and now they are gone you don’t know what to do with yourself………

Do you want to get back with your ex because you felt comfortable with them?

You were together for so long that you felt completely comfortable being yourself around them, you could burp, fart act weird and be yourself and you now worry that no one will ever make you feel like that again……….

Do you want to get back with your ex because part of you feels a failure?

You are worried that other people will look at you and think ‘I told you so’ and you still want to prove them wrong………..

The next question I want you to think about is who ended the relationship and why?

If they ended the relationship part of you will feel like you want to get back with them because you feel rejected and you just want to feel wanted by them again.

If you ended the relationship then you will know exactly why you ended it so ask yourself will them issues still be there if I get back with them.

Alot to take in right but all of these things you’re now reflecting on are vitally important to come to a life changing decision and definitely should not be overlooked.

It can be so easy in a relationship to just go day to day without actually taking a step back and looking at it objectively and this is why people lose themselves because they get complacent and actually forget why they started the relationship in the first place.

I want you to really think about the layers of the relationship and understand what your relationship was built on.

  • Did you help eachother to become better people?
  • Did you bring out eachothers insecurities and work through them as a team?
  • Did you feel caged and controlled or free and limitless?
  • Was their more negative or more positive points in your relationship?
  • Could you see your dream life becoming a reality with this person?

This is where you really have to take yourself out of your own head and ask yourself are we truly compatible?

Now this has to be the hardest question to ask yourself and give a brutally honest answer…….

Am I giving them the happiness and the life they deserve or would we both be happier walking away and allowing eachother to find our true happiness and the person we are actually meant to be with?

Now this is something i’ve never really understood or believed, I suppose because deep down i’m a hopeless romantic and think that love should conquer all just like in the films, but i’ve had a year to really reflect and think about everything and i’ve come to the conclusion that actually sometimes love isn’t enough.

Now this is a hard pill to swallow when you’re madly in love with someone but I need to repeat this,

Sometimes love isn’t enough!

Love can be blind and even fucking stupid, you can make yourself believe things that if love wasn’t the main driver you wouldn’t even entertain that’s why I personally think that when a relationship breaks down you need to give yourselves enough time to cut contact (if possible) work on yourself and really reflect on these things otherwise love will talk you into something that might not be the best thing.

I completely understand how you will be feeling because i’ve had phases of wanting to get back with both of my exes, I love being in love and this is why i’ve only ever had 2 relationships because for me it has to be 110% genuine and because i’m more than happy in my own company if I have any doubts I just won’t pursue it.

Now this is something that you will hear a lot of people say but actually very few people are,

You have to be true to yourself………..

This can come down to fear of being on their own but I personally think it’s because they haven’t ever given themselves time to be on their own and learnt who they are and what they actually want from life and a relationship, instead they just rush in when someone shows them abit of attention.

When you get to a point where you are certain of what you want then you will know whether the right thing is to try and rekindle something with an ex.

So now how do you feel after going through all of these points and reflecting on your past relationship……….

It’s time to be brutally honest,

Do you now want to get back with your ex?

 

IMG_5911

The Past Relationship Victim

This is something I genuinely feel needs to be addressed by every single one of us, we’ve all been hurt in the past as i’m sure we’ve also all hurt someone in the past, intentionally or unintentionally, I truly believe this would save so much stress and heartache if you didn’t feel scared of being on your own.

From couples holidays to cosy nights in with a romantic M and S dine in for 2 everything just makes you feel like a loser for being on your own,

But………

This is because you see being single as a negative and your first response is to meet someone as quickly as possible.

As soon as you become single you will instantly feel ‘lost’ you’ve been in a routine for a period of time and now you have all this freedom it can become quite daunting, NOW is the time to reflect on your past relationship, and think about the things that triggered emotions in you that you don’t like, and really understand why you felt that way and work on solutions so that you become a better person, not just for yourself, but also in your next relationship.

For me I had this self worth issue that used to torment me at night when I felt like I couldn’t financially ‘keep’ her, i’ve worked on this a lot and will not let myself get fully emotionally involved with anyone until I feel like i’ve done the work required so I never feel like that again.

I think from a young age boys have been taught they need to grow up and be the providers so I know it’s a pride thing but society is changing to not stigmatise any of the roles in heterosexual relationships although personally I am still kind of old fashioned.

You might find yourself getting upset or causing an argument every time your partner goes out without you, now this is obviously your insecurity and you need to deal with this.

Your partners job might make you feel insecure, so you begin to make them feel guilty for choosing that career path.

whatever it is that you feel causes you to feel insecure in your relationship, you have to remember that this is an emotion that you are in control of, it is just going to take some work to not let it negatively impact your relationship.

Imagine meeting someone that is literally besotted by you and worships the ground you walk on but you constantly question why,

You are getting ready to go out for dinner together, and he says how amazing you look, but all you do is reply “no I don’t I feel horrible” this is such hard work for someone to constantly have their compliments pushed aside and almost made to feel like they are in the wrong.

Think about the type of person you want to meet,

Do you want to meet someone who is insecure?

Do you want to meet someone with no confidence?

Do you want to meet someone who is bitter because of their past relationships?

I would expect that these aren’t traits that you look for in a partner so why would anyone want to be with you if this is exactly how you’re feeling?

Remember,

You can jump from relationship to relationship never really growing as a person, but do you want to go through life never meeting that special someone that you could meet when you are the best version of yourself, and then grow through life together continually becoming better and pushing eachother to become everything you’ve both dreamed of?!

As I sit here 22:10 on a Tuesday evening reflecting I realise that everything that has happened in my life, every mistake i’ve made and the hurt i’ve felt has all had meaning and purpose to it and is setting me up for the next chapter in my life.

I’ve been single for almost a year now, and I genuinely do miss having someone to share everything with, but i’m also at the point where things will really start to flag up for me very quickly, and put me off getting emotionally involved, because if I don’t feel like I could live my life and grow into the person I know I am and want to become, then I won’t put the energy or effort in because i’m in no rush.

The unexpected friendships i’ve made over this last year, and the things i’ve experienced and learnt about myself, have made me feel like I now have a type, i’ve never really felt like I had a type other than certain physical attributes but now for me the list of boxes that have to be ticked are growing, and I honestly don’t know whether that’s a good thing or not, but I do believe that if you are meant to be with someone then the universe will bring you together, and keep bringing you together until you act on it.

Stop relationship hopping and looking for someone to complete you, as lonely as it gets at times always remember what you want and NEVER settle!

Use this period to address the issues that terrorised you when you were in a relationship,IMG_6344 and become a much better person so you start naturally attracting the type of people you do want in your life.

Always remember that what you are and what you put out into the universe will come back to you, if you are confident and happy then guess what will find it’s way into your life………

 

 

Loneliness The Silent Killer

A lot of people have this misconception that being lonely is about being alone, and if you are a ‘busy’ person with a lot of people in your life you can’t or don’t have the right to be lonely.

I suppose we all have our own individual definition of what loneliness is, but for me it’s a feeling of not fitting in or belonging anywhere.

I’m lucky enough to have a lot of amazing people in my life, and I know if I really wanted some company it would only be a text away, but, the reality of loneliness is very isolating and is a constant battle of feeling lonely but keeping yourself isolated because you either don’t want to feel like a burden or you don’t feel like your understood and therefore it’s easier to isolate yourself which just reaffirms this vicious cycle of, I’m all alone.

If we look at loneliness on a deeper level there is a very fine line between it being healthy and dangerous,

Let me explain……

So for me the last 12 months have been the loneliest time in my whole life yet I’ve had more people in my life now than I probably ever have done.

Its given me so much opportunity to learn about myself and reflect on my life and really understand what it is I want, what I will accept and what I absolutely won’t.

I personally think everyone would benefit so much from ‘being lonely’ For a period of time in their adult life just to understand and learn about themselves so they can grow as a person, yet so many people are scared of being lonely,

Which brings me on to the fact that loneliness can become fatal ……

the majority of suicides happen because these people don’t see a way out and feel lonely and isolated yet on the outside look happy and the life and soul of the party.

another reason why loneliness can be dangerous, is you can start to lower your standards and start allowing things you wouldn’t normally, such as poor relationships, people letting you down, settling for less because you have low self worth and doing things that are out of character just to stop feeling lonely.

For me I use sex, drink and drugs as a way to fit in and escape reality which then makes things worse in the long run because more negative things start to show up in my life and then the cycle continues,

feeling lonely,

using external things to escape the present reality,

making poor choices based on low self worth,

settling for less than I deserve,

Then guilt.

Its a very hard cycle to break but like I said I honestly believe it’s a massively important opportunity to learn and grow and really reflect on your life and begin to lay down rules and boundaries that you will not let anyone into your life cross.

it can be very easy to make decisions based on how you’re currently feeling now, that later on you will regret such as settling for a relationship because you just want someone in your life, almost to save you,

^^^^ DON’T do this,

this is my number 1 piece of advice!

Not only will it end badly but it will also shape how the rest of your life will look,

you lower your standards and settle in relationships then every other thing will shift to match.

Loneliness is tough but what I would advise is, use this time to do what you want to do, don’t think you can’t go to that restaurant or see that movie or book that holiday because you have no one to go with, because when you start doing things on your own and learn to love your own company then you become untouchable and will start attracting people into your life that truly see your worth and are on the same wavelength,

remember,

like attracts like,

if you feel shit and let people into your life when you feel shit that you wouldn’t normally, then these will be the type of people that will also have low self esteem and that vicious cycle will only get harder and harder to break.

when you are happy confident and feel good about yourself that is the time that you start attracting amazing people into your life and will be the ones that will have a positive impact.

i have allowed myself to start slipping back into old self sabotaging habits because I’ve felt lonely but luckily I learnt exactly what I need to do to start improving my life again and not letting it spiral to far out of control.

just remember,

you are enough and always will be, don’t let toxic people define you just because of how you currently feel about yourself.

you’ve got this 😊!!97468D9F-1E46-4B5C-99B1-EF0610FA910C

30th April Journal Entry

Sitting in a local pub with podge and abi (my brother and his mrs, for those of you that wouldn’t know who this is or haven’t read my first blog) Saturday night talking about relationships and having kids,

It got me thinking the next day…………..

What i’ve realised is, I get lonely, not that often because I love my own space, company and independence,

But………..

I’ve created an environment that keeps me ‘safe’ because i’m scared of actually meeting someone and falling in love again, so instead i’m going out at the weekends to ‘connect’ with people, but in a way that doesn’t actually involve genuine connections with people on any sort of meaningful level that could potentially leave me vulnerable.

I’ve been telling myself that I don’t think I want kids because i’m choosing to focus on the negatives I see and hear from parents rather than looking at all the positives that family life brings.

I used to love having days out as a family with me and my ex and her daughter and that is something I have always wanted but because that broke down i’ve created a story that i’m living out because i’m scared to get hurt.

I love seeing families together, husbands and wives in love and their children enjoying life.

If i’m completely honest with myself i’m scared a lot of the time.

  • What if i’m not doing enough for other people and don’t actually deserve the things I want?
  • What if I don’t actually have that sort of love in me to give out again?
  • What if I can never actually move on fully and keep pushing people away?

All I know is,

I can’t keep pushing people away through fear and sooner or later these walls and this mask need to go,

Maybe I am ready to let go of the past and take that first step.

 

 

So after writing this in my journal a few days ago i’ve really thought about the possibility of falling in love again and as much as it feels scary and strange and a little unnerving it is also exciting, ultimately we all want to find that person we just connect with on the deepest level and can share your life with, but how many of us are actually showing up as our true selves?

When you go on a date do you try to put on a different persona to come across more attractive?

When you’re in a relationship do you show up authentically and vulnerably?

How much of your day do you actually show up as YOU?

I would imagine it isn’t very high and ultimately you are attracting the type of people in your life that really don’t have a place and potentially deflecting away the people that should be in your life.

Is it a coincidence that the more I show up as the real me, the happier my day to day life is?

Remember, everything you have in your life at the minute is because of a choice you have made,

Consciously

Or

Subconsciously.

Don’t be afraid to show up as the real you especially when it comes to dating or meeting someone romantically, because the pain of a break up is a lot worse than the fear of rejection from basically a stranger that you are not yet emotionally attached to.

I’m going to leave you with a quote, unfortunately i’m not sure who said it though,

“What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful. There’s a word for it, Authentic”

IMG_4485

Is Love A Flawed Concept?

Over the last 6 months or so i’ve made it my mission to drastically reduce the amount of people I spend time with, an opt for stronger, more meaningful connections rather than those type of nothing, pointless relationships.

Yesterday I went for a coffee, and of course this had to be accompanied by cake in the most English of tea rooms, that had that sort of war time feel, not that i’m patriotic at all but I do love this part of English culture.

We spoke about all the things that I love to talk about,

Relationships,

Careers,

Dreams,

Love

And a number of other things while trying to piece together my crumbling gluten free apple and cinnamon scone, which I learnt is pronounced scon, and not scone, which I was trying to be reserved about the fact that this makes me happy and not a commoner because I have always pronounced it scon.

What became apparent was the people I now have in my life are very much on the same wave length as me, none of them want to just settle for mediocrity, none of them want to conform to societies norms, and they all inspire me to strive to become the best version of myself.

When I got home I made myself chicken and rice, because man can’t live on cake alone, although I have often tried when i’m feeling extra emotional, and I sat there continuing to think about my life and what I want from it.

Thursdays are my ‘Dan date’ day where I always have cake coffee and go to the cinema, of course I didn’t want to let Dan down (something i’ve really been working on is keeping the promises I make to myself) so I quickly washed the dishes and began to make my way to the cinema.

For me this isn’t just about going to watch a film, I like the drive to the cinema because its time for me to get away from the noise and have time just to think and reflect, normally on the direction my life is going, and whether or not I need to make any adjustments, as you can imagine this opens the flood gates and the 30 minute drive is never long enough, suddenly I have far more ‘problems’ than I thought I did.

After the chat me and (for the purpose of this blog lets call her Jen) Jen had earlier on, it really made me think about the things I’m missing in my life when it comes to that one very specific relationship.

Normally I love going to the cinema on my own, but lastnight I was so much more aware of the fact that I was on my own, and every other person in there was with someone.

Unfortunately the film was a bit of a disappointment, which upset me a little as it had Martin Freeman in, and he’s one of my favourite actors.

Walking out of the cinema I kind of felt a little anxious, like people were looking at me walking out on my own, which is something i’d never felt before, blokes were waiting for their girlfriends to finish in the toilet, couples were walking out laughing and joking holding hands and then there was me looking down at my phone wanting to get out of there as quick as possible and into the ‘safety’ of my car.

What is the one thing we always do when we are feeling down………….

Yep, we decide to do things that will make us feel even more down and upset,

It’s like going through a break up and putting on all the films and songs that you know will make you feel that much worse,

What’s that all about?!?!?!

So I decided to turn to my left and look in the restaurant as I was leaving the cinema just so I could see all the happy couples enjoying ‘date night’

Yeah I know, stupid fucking idea, but this hit me harder than when Jack said to Rose,

“Winning that ticket was the best thing that ever happened to me, it brought me to you and i’m thankful for that, Rose.”

Who doesn’t love Titanic!

Jack felt the type of love that made him feel alive even when he was just about to die.

Seeing them couples enjoying eachothers company and smiling and touching eachother although it brought a little lump to my throat also made me happy because as I always say,

life is about connections.

As I got to the ‘safety’ of my car and I began driving home, it made me think about what being in love feels like, and although I miss it, I am always worried that i’m so guarded that I don’t know if I will ever be able to feel like that again.

We know that like attracts like, which is why I have people in my life now that I enjoy spending time with, but it also makes me realise that I will never have a relationship with someone that openly loves me as much as i’ve loved in the past, because i’m no longer capable of feeling that type of love and putting it out there.

Just like in all areas of my life I won’t settle but my biggest fear is now,

Am I capable of loving someone that much again?!?!?!

No relationship is without it’s problems, i’m not naive about that, and I know it’s not all about picnics and making love under the stars, but the funny thing about love is that it’s success rate when it comes to love in romantic relationships is so low, yet we are all willing to give it another shot.

I think love is a lot like an apple product, lets say it’s an Iphone, after the phone is made it gets put through quality control to make sure there is no issues with it that could hurt the consumers, when they are happy that it is safe they start flooding the market.

Unfortunately they can still get damaged, the screen can still smash and the battery can stop working but the owners can decide to get it fixed, live with the cracks or throw it away and get a new one.

Ultimately we all want an iphone but how we choose to treat it determines how long it is ours for.

The question i’m struggling with is when do I know if it’s time to get a new iphone or not, I clearly miss things about it but i’m also scared of getting them cracks in the screen and not being able to repair them.

Those of you going through tough times in your relationship at the minute, take a step back and ask yourself why did I fall in love with her or him in the first place and you may begin to realise that all the ‘noise’ is just that, a distraction from the bigger picture and ultimately the person you have infront of you that loves you and wants to make you happy,

Question is…………..

Do you want to make THEM happy?!?!

IMG_4078