Am I In A Controlling Relationship?

Now you may not of asked yourself this question specifically but I’d put money on you having wanted to do something, and your partner has made it very clear that they don’t want you to do it.

It could be a night out,

It could be a holiday with friends,

It could be an item of clothing they don’t want you to wear,

Now before you read on I want you to put yourself in your boyfriends shoes,

Why? why the fuck should I do that? He’s the one that is trying to control me…

Well hold up there princess, lets take a step back for a second and ask yourself, how would I feel if I was my boyfriend and this situation was him and voluptuous Vicky?

lets use the story of ‘I don’t want you to spend time with , communicate with or follow on social media *insert name’ as our universally triggering point of reference.

So you work with this lad, lets call said lad Finch.

He’s smooth, mysterious, handsome and left Stifflers mum in a pool of her orgasmic fluids craving more of the D.

You drop into general conversations with your boyfriend, how Finch said this, and done that, and without being consciously aware of it, the name Finch leaves your mouth and travels into your boyfriends ears more than ‘what shall we have for dinner?’

You begin communicating with ‘ol’ Finchy boy outside of work, and one evening while laying on the sofa with your boyf (I hope that you managed to swallow that vomit the word boyf induced) tucking into Doritos and dip, your phone lights up with the name FINCH…

Your boyfriend by now has been used to hearing his name, seeing your facial expressions when you talk about him, and is aware that you are communicating outside of work but now your boyfriend asks you ‘who is that?’ knowing full well its the finchmiester.

You casually tell him ‘oh it’s just Finch’ and put your phone on the arm of the chair away from you instead of messaging back.

A few of your work colleagues invite you out for a drink one Saturday afternoon.

You mention to your boyfriend ‘A few people from work are going out for a drink Saturday afternoon do you mind if I go?’

‘No that’s fine but can we do something together in the evening?’

‘Of course we can :)’ <<< Yep I just attempted a nokia 3310 smiley on a blog post, I know criminal really!

Saturday comes and as you are doing your make-up and getting ready your boyfriend pops his head in and asks what time you will be back…

you tell him you’re meeting them all in the pub at 13:00 so will be back no later than 16:00.

16:30 – ring ring, ring ring *insert boyfriends name lighting up your phone.

No answer.

16:45 – sorry babe (or whatever pet name you call your beloved) do you mind if I stay for another half hour? xx

17:00 – No i’ll see you about 17:00 xx

17:20 – Hey are you on your way home? xx

17:30 – What time are you going to be home? xx

18:00 – Sorry leaving in 5 mins just saying bye xx

‘I thought you were coming back at 17:00 how come it’s now 18:35?’

After the argument you’ve just had you decide that your boyfriend is being controlling and have now stumbled across this blog to find some validation for how victimised you feel.

Ok so this is all very tongue and cheek as I write this but it’s an example of how things can start and how feelings, boundaries and communication can all go up in flames.

First of all I want to bring you back to the proverbial deal we made at the start of this…

You promised to put yourself in your boyfriends shoes and ask yourself, how you would feel if this whole situation was flipped, and you were at the hands of your boyfriend and voluptuous Vicky.

Is your boyfriend being controlling saying he doesn’t want you spending time with, communicating with or following Finch?

Or is your boyfriend now setting clear boundaries in order to keep himself safe and whole ( an awesome program on how to set clear boundaries in your life and relationship)

I can’t answer this for you, but what I will do is give you my own interpretation of how I see this situation and what feelings it would bring up for me, based on where I currently am in my journey.

At the start if I was hearing my girlfriend speak about a certain lad she was working with more and more, and then seeing the message pop up on her phone and her not answering it, followed by the Saturday afternoon and the lack of communication, I would feel uncertain, I would be questioning things like what is it about this lad that she likes, why did I not get an invite on that Saturday and would probably make me feel a sense of jealousy.

Now that does not by any means indicate that I am right and she is wrong, in fact I would be much more inclined to see these internal triggers as an area I need to work on and somewhere I need to start getting curious as to why these feelings are coming up, and how I could turn them into growth, BUT before growth, pain and uncomfortability will lead the way.

Thing is, in relationships we all have this incessant need to be right, that need only disconnects us further from eachother and in the fight for righteousness we lose sight of what’s actually important…

Creating a bond that meets all our needs, BUT the paradox to that is we have to be willing to receive criticism when we act out of alignment with what we actually say we want.

in order for you to create a bond that meets all your needs you have to open yourself up and understand that you, your partner, and the relationship are 3 different entities, you can’t just expect all your needs to be met without putting effort into meeting your partners needs and if your needs are never being met or your partners needs are unfulfillable by you, then you have to be honest with eachother.

Truth is, relationships are fucking hard and we are always learning through our triggers, the magic happens when we can lovingly navigate these triggers with our partner, instead of pointing the finger and trying to take the moral high ground with phrases like ‘I wouldn’t do that to you’ (we’ve all used that line as a form of self righteous manipulation), because all that does is again create defensiveness and will NOT enable you both to move forward.

I think instead of trying to constantly be heard in our relationship maybe we should take a birds eye view and ask ourselves ‘how could I hear my partner right now, and show them that I acknowledge what they are saying?’

This way of communicating is far less self aggrandising and will yield far better results (as long as the results you want are a more loving relationship)

So back to the initial question,

Am I in a controlling relationship?

Is your partner telling you how to look, how to behave, who to spend time with (or more so who you can’t spend time with)


Are they communicating consciously with you about how they feel, why they feel that way and how you can both work through a specific trigger together?

Remember neither are right or wrong, relationships aren’t about that, after all we’re on our own individual journeys, and are only doing our best with the tools (awareness) we currently have available to us, in any given moment.

What I will say though is if you think leaving a relationship and trading it for another, in an attempt to avoid these triggers, you will be massively disappointed, your partner may be shining the light at parts of yourself you don’t like looking at, and leaving them to be with someone else is merely just changing the hand holding the torch, the same triggers will still be there, and it is your responsibility to welcome the torch of surrender and begin leaning into your triggers while learning how to navigate them consciously in a healthy loving relationship.

My current work in my relationship is exactly that, learning how to hear and listen to what Charis is saying, instead of listening and then trying to have my say in order to be right.

We will always have areas we can grow and with awareness, zero judgement, love and compassion you really can cultivate the relationship you truly want, first you just have to be willing to look in the mirror instead of pointing the finger.

Would love to hear what you are currently working on to improve yourself and your relationship…

DR love.

^^^ What fortunate initials I have to play on 😉

Yes Kelly, I had to end on that!

If you struggle with communication or want to really deepen your relationship then I hugely recommend my friend Dr Eva Brown and her amazing 90 day program (just hit the link to see if it’s for you and your relationship)

How An Allegation Turned Out To Be The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me



I’m arresting you on suspicion of attempted rape.

Hi and welcome to ‘The story of Dan’ over the last 3 years.

There has been tears, sex, shame and plenty of sleepless nights but I have arrived at my dining table that me and Charis built (if you haven’t been hiding under a rock then you’ll know that Charis is my amazing girlfriend) feeling full of pride, while I take in the scent of my fig and mulberry candle writing this blog for you right now on the wings of love, and if you can stomach anything quite as cringy as that then I invite you to read on.

After the arrest I felt like I needed to conceal it all through fear of people using the term ‘There is no smoke without fire.’ This fear and shame was something that I held on to for, MY MISTAKE ‘am still holding on to’ because I was actually unsure whether or not to write this blog.

I want to talk to you about how that allegation has been the greatest thing to happen to (now I know it was for me) me but first I want to talk about the shit, because believe you me, it was not all gratitude and blessings.

The allegation was made in May and 3 months later I was arrested. It completely brought me to my knees and I very quickly fell in to a world of self medicating through cocaine, alcohol, porn and one night stands, I was desperately trying to escape the pain I was in.

I had just moved in to my new house, my business was quickly picking up speed and the ‘adult Dan’ was really creating something he was proud of BUT the ‘inner child Dan’ was kicking and screaming.

All I could think about was the loneliness, the pain, the fear and the sadness I was in and it didn’t take long for every area of my life to go up in flames as well.

8 months later I had fell into a pit of over £5000’s worth of debt and had no choice but to move out of my house, give up my cat and move in to my gym, I HAD to make this work and pull myself out of the darkness otherwise moving in to my gym and being in debt would be the least of my worries.

364 days on I receive a phone call from a DC who I had been in contact with (loosely speaking) throughout the whole investigation, lets just say she made it very clear that innocent until proven guilty is not something she agrees with and her whole demeanour resembled that of Miss Agatha Trunchbull.

She went on to say the case has been dropped, the rest of the conversation is in my book I wrote titled Own Your Power And Remain Single. Now I knew that as much as I was in pain and had been suffering for over a year, it was now my responsibility to DO THE WORK, and really begin peeling back the layers to see who I truly was, in order to create who I knew I could become.

The first year living in my gym after that phone call was spent either hunched over a pub toilet while face down in a line of coke or listening to that all powerful voice us men have that inhabits between our legs. When that rolled up £10 note leaves your nostril suddenly that voice becomes louder and louder and if you are looking to escape and seek validation through sex then trust me, that can be a problem.

The funny thing about this scene is it’s highly attractive, and the bells and whistles really are a strong pull, I mean, if you can present me a man that doesn’t love the feeling of power and leading with his cock then I’ll show you a man that still has his washing done for him by his mum.

Once you start to experience more guilt about the way you behaved the previous night and delete every sent message before you can read them back you begin to realise that life is more than drink drugs and sex, said Paul McCartney…

We all know that when you hear them birds starting to sing it’s time to confess your sins as you begin the walk of shame home.

I began pulling myself out of this cycle, and 6 months into the second year after that call from Trunchball things had began changing for me, I was focusing more on my training again, I was turning down the week night sesh and 1 night while out with a load of my clients after an amazing bbq we all had together I sparked up a conversation with a certain girl that really sparked intrigue in me. I obviously fancied her but the fact that we could have a deep conversation on a night out while we were both chucking back shots was something that I instantly wanted more of. I actually wanted to hear what she had to say, I cared about what she had to say and things just felt easy between us.

Now I’m not going to say by the end of the night I didn’t want to sleep with her but what I loved was the fact that she declined without judgement and still wanted to spend time with me, in a weird way that gave me more validation than I ever got from the last 18 months previous.

For almost 9 months of getting to know eachother without zero expectation it hit me…

Maybe it was that sucker punch that all proverbial ‘fuckboys’ (I fucking hate that phrase but hey, that’s a shoe I’ve been told fits so…) experience,

I love this girl, and I want to be in a relationship with her!

A few weeks ago we had our first anniversary and last week we moved 270 miles north to Blackpool, now 3 years ago I could not of believed this would now be my reality, I was in a few grands worth of debt, I was living in a freezing cold gym sleeping on a shitty leather sofa, when I wasn’t coked up and scrolling through hours of Pornhub.  

So what was it that changed, how have I managed to land on my feet as it were?

Underneath all the hurt, pain and insecurities was a boy that screaming to be seen and heard, it wasn’t until I spent that last night which little did I know at the time, laying on the sofa in my gym having been out all night and just finished cleaning up… for the third time, that I was ready to finally ‘be better’.

Now I’m not saying that porn, alcohol or coke are bad in fact I’d be more inclined to argue the opposite but everything comes down to intention and when we get real fucking honest with ourselves and our intentions then we can really begin asking the questions that enable us to hold ourselves accountable.

I’ve made some amazing memories in Sudbury with people that will always be in my heart over the past 32 years of my life, and I’m pretty sure Sudbury will always be home to me, but this chapter is now what I call winning, and I get to etch the sentences with that bright light in my life, Charis Dines.

To those I’ve wronged along my journey I am truly sorry, I hope you can find it in your heart to not hold any bad feelings towards me,

To those I’ve helped it’s been a privilege to be able to give you something that no one can take away,

To those I’ve lost, thankyou for your presence and everything that we shared together, gone does NOT mean forgotten,

But most of all Sudbury… thankyou for all the pictures, the memories, the lessons, the friendships, the heartaches and the opportunities, without you I would not be the man I am proud to be today.

Much love,

Dan xxx

Am I A Toxic Friend?

In almost all the content and things you will read regarding your friends, family and romantic partners, the blame is always put on them, instead of taking responsibility and ownership for a co-created relationship.

As much as narcissists believe otherwise, you can’t control and manipulate another person and nor should you want to, but very often the opposite of this feels like you have to completely remove them. this is the part where the real growth occurs…

Let me offer you another solution, one where you’re not victimising yourself, one of self-empowerment and love where you don’t have to try and force someone to be what you think they should be, or holding on to anger and hurt because you’re path is no longer aligned with theirs.

I have went through my whole life trying to either be something/someone i’m not, or never truly allowing myself to be seen. The reason for this is fear, fear that I would be judged, at least if I was judged while wearing a mask I could always tell myself that it’s not really me anyway, but remove that mask and allow myself to be judged, was a fate I was not willing to accept.

At my lowest points I have always turned to 3 things,

  1. Sex
  2. Drink
  3. Drugs

And 2 years ago was no different. My behaviour and mindset over the course of 18 months led me to surround myself with people that were also on a similar path. Saturday was spent in the pub engaging in ‘pub conversations’ and ‘pub behaviour’ while pouring money down the urinal every half hour or so.

Saturday was my day to block out the pain, hurt and shame of being a 30/31 year old man who was living in his gym, having no money and being unhappy with my current life.

Saturday gave me everything I needed.

Things began to change when I started to envision a different life for myself, a life that I felt proud of, a life that fulfilled me and that I wasn’t ashamed of.

Through one of my blogs i’d wrote on loneliness, I had received a message from someone that my words resonated with, little did I know at the time that she too, was going through her own struggles and engaging in self sabotaging behaviour that she too wanted to stop.

The more time we’d spent together the more I wanted to not only be a positive influence in her life, but I also wanted to create the life I had envisioned for myself.

I knew that I had to make some big changes, but the question was always how…

How do I make changes to my lifestyle without removing people from my life?

I knew that I couldn’t be around certain things and have the willpower to just say ‘no’ so what option was I left with?

At the time I felt like I only had one, that was to remove myself. unfortunately this come with certain consequences that i’d like to say I didn’t expect, but being someone that lacks naivety I could sense this was heading towards me.

The more I distanced myself and stopped engaging in things that were taking me further away from that life I wanted, the more my life improved and the happier I became.

About four months ago I was having a particularly reflective day, I can remember thinking to myself I am so grateful for the tough time I went through, not only because I learnt more about myself in 2 years than I ever have done, but because I am now someone I am proud of, and know that I have learnt so many valuable lessons that I can take with me in my new life and relationship.

As I mentioned previously, my whole life has been me showing versions of myself that I am happy for people to see, I have never removed every single mask and ‘bared all.’

This ‘new’ man that had walked through the flames, is no longer living in fear of judgement. Not only is my relationship a loving, supportive, safe container to express myself fully, but also the body that I live in isn’t used to shield people away.

All the blogs, videos and other forms of content I put out now i’m so passionate about, and it’s so amazing to see and hear the positive responses it gets, but recently I was challenged…

The message I share is one of self love, that means not only loving a part of who you are, but who you are in all your imperfect perfection.

A few weeks ago I shared on my Instagram a picture of me naked from when me and my girlfriend had been sunbathing (just to clarify I was naked she wasn’t) I’d spared social media my manhood by covering it with a tomato emoji, it fit so why not ha! The caption i’d posted it with was ‘would body shaming still be a thing if none of us ever wore clothes?’ it had a fair bit of interaction and the responses it received were very interesting, the majority of people voted for ‘yes’ body shaming would still be a thing. little did I know that a couple of people had screenshot that picture and used it to try and elevate themselves by belittling me behind my back.

When I said previously I expected this type of response, that was because I was recently made aware that this sniggering behind my back had been going on for a while.

A few days later My phone went off with a message saying ‘what is wrong with you have you lost the plot?’ attached was the photo i’d posted, there was a bit of back and forth where I was made aware of a couple of other judgements that if i’m honest did get to me.

Why did it get to me?

Well because I like to think of myself as an innocuous friend, a friend that accepts that we all are different and will ALWAYS see things from the other persons point of view, and I suppose if i’m honest I had imposed a level of entitlement on myself to be treated exactly the same.

The truth is, I could of held on to that anger and hurt, but this anger and hurt was my own fault and for me to take full responsibility of.


Well every single one of us deals with things differently and when we begin to set expectations we are only leaving ourselves open to disappointment.

One of my favourite quotes is…

‘Unrealistic expectations are pre-meditated resentments’

Remember, just because you do something or would handle something differently doesn’t mean that you’re right and they are wrong, usually it’s just a lack of communication that both parties have to take ownership for.

So now with all that being said what other option was I actually left with?


It could have been as easy as follows…

*Sets up group chat

Hi lads,

I just wanted to say firstly, thankyou all for being there for me when I needed people around me the most. As you all know I was going through a really shit time and i’m hugely grateful that I didn’t have to go through it alone.

Secondly, I just want to say that my reasons for not wanting to come out drinking anymore is nothing personal, and if I was stronger and able to come out and enjoy myself without doing anything i’d regret then i’d still come out, but unfortunately I don’t feel like I am. Hopefully we can still arrange to catch up each week outside of the pub.

Finally I just want to say I hope you understand my situation and why I feel I need to do this.

Speak soon,


Sometimes in life we make turn innocent situations into an issue, by making assumptions instead of just communicating openly and honestly.

I’ve realised so much over the last 2 years, things that have enabled me to take full responsibility, there are times in my life when I have been a toxic influence, times where I have been someone I wouldn’t want to spend time with and times where I have done things where i’ve even shocked myself because I never thought I was capable, but we have all been blessed with this life and we have a duty to not only ourselves, but also those close to us to make sure we are doing everything we can to be a positive influence.

I am by no means saying that when you start to change path you will not encounter some form of resistance, either from yourself or others, but if you ‘fight’ this resistance with bitterness and hate, this will only hinder you from taking the next step forward.

Be grateful for those people that were there for you, and thank them for being a part of your life, and if they truly care about you they will be happy to see you striding towards the life that you want, and if they don’t, then DO NOT allow their lack of care for you turn you into something you’re not, ALWAYS remain true to yourself and bless them with your kindness.

Are You A Pawn In Someone Else’s Game Of Chess?

If this is you then you may find yourself expressing doubts concerning the veracity of this blog and every part of your being might want to kick ten tons of shit out of the writer,

A 31 year old love addict who just wants to empower and inspire you through open blogs and vulnerable public conversations with his amazing girlfriend so you can have the relationship you want and deserve.

So, intro done, I want to take you for a ride, a ride that begins with me and you looking into your current relationship to understand whether you have in fact been chosen just to take on the role of the ego stroker,

Sounds like a backstreet knocking shop doesn’t it, but unfortunately this kind of stroking doesn’t get you paid.

Now i’m definitely no Sigmund Freud but before we dive head first into your relationship I want to explain a little bit about the ego.

Pay attention or you may get the board rubber treatment that I got when I was not listening and i’ll tell you what, A board rubber bouncing off your table and hitting you square in the chest is enough to grab your attention until the bell rang for end of class.

The ego;

The ego is the component of personality that is responsible for dealing with reality. According to Freud the ego develops from the id and ensures that the impulses of the id can be expressed in a manner acceptable to the real world. The ego functions in both the conscious, preconscious and unconscious mind.

Thankyou Freud.

Now let me break this down into real terms for you.

The ego is there to keep us safe and is always on the lookout for any perceived danger.

You know that gut wrenching feeling you get when you have to speak in public or have to engage in any activity that takes you out of your comfort zone, well your ego is telling you not to do it because people will laugh at you, you’ll look stupid, you won’t be very good etc etc, but thisis not a negative thing because the ego is only their to keep you safe. Think back to cavemen times and how dangerous going out hunting woolly mammoth could be, you definitely wouldn’t want to have zero fear and be without the voices in your head telling you to be careful because you’d more than likely be ripped from limb to limb.

As well as keeping you safe the ego also wants to take credit for everything, the ego wants to be loved, praised, worshipped and adored. imagine writing a blog and getting no likes, positive comments or interaction at all, your ego will begin to tell you you’re writing isn’t good enough and that you should quit because it only wants you to engage in things that feel good.

The ego isn’t good or bad it just is, and it’s up to us to be in control of our ego and not allow it to control us.

Now good ol’ Sigmund and his sidekick Professor Reader have left the room we can continue on and unpack your current relationship.

I am genuinely here to hold your hand as you navigate the depths of your relationship so you can have a birds eye view of whether or not your partner genuinely loves you unconditionally and holds your wants and needs just as high as his own.

As I reflect on to you my shield of love we can now begin.

Before you met how long had he been single and does he have a history of relationship hopping?

When you first met how were you treated?

Were you praised, adored, complimented, couldn’t keep his hands off you, wanted to be around you 24/7, shown off to his friends,


Were you kept behind closed doors, never invited out with him, only saw him on his terms, only really heard from him if it was something to do with sex?

A few months into the relationship were you feeling closer to him and far less uncertain about where the relationship is heading,


Have you still not really opened up to eachother and you often find he will belittle you so you now feel unworthy of being with him?

A year down the line and one of the very few times he has asked you to go out with him he tells you how amazing you look and how excited he is for date night,


He tells you what to wear and how to have your hair and makeup because he says he wants you ‘both to look good when you go out?’

Are there any patterns so far?

The reason why I ask you these questions is because unfortunately not everyones motives are pure and although you might think that your relationship is ok until you actually begin to look at things without the baggage of all your emotions it’s so easy to be blinded, trust me, i’ve been there!

The hierarchy of a relationship can be a driving factor for someone with low self worth and deep rooted insecurities,

For instance,

A bloke (could also be a woman) may go in search of a girl that appears to be weak so that he is the dominant one in the relationship and she feels ‘lucky’ or beneath him which usually means he can pretty much get away with whatever the fuck he wants.

A woman (could also be a bloke) may go in search of someone that isn’t in her opinion that attractive because she doesn’t feel like she deserves better. This can be particularly dangerous because there will be very little physical intimacy which will leave a huge void in the relationship.

Being with someone that you wholeheartedly see on the same level as you can actually be quite intimidating because someone who is independent, strong and self assured WILL NOT be manipulated, controlled or belittled but if you both commit to be the best version of yourself then the foundations of the relationship are already far stronger than one of which needs reassurance and ego stroking.

We have a duty not only to ourselves but also our partners to be the best version of ourselves so we don’t take too much unnecessary energy out of the relationship to fight for reassurance and constant praise and validation.

Once you have done the work required and NOT got into a relationship hoping that you can just bypass the work and be filled with reassurance, niceties and compliments this is the the most powerful position to be in when it comes to attracting a genuine, loving partner, because the old adage law of attraction states we only attract what we are and you CANNOT trick the universe into giving you what you want without actually being what you want first.

Self love, is always the most important place to start!

How My Sexual Violation Empowered Me

Hi, I’m Charis. For those of you who know Dan, you will know this blogging platform originated from the man himself. You will also know the past eighteen months of blogging Dan has been nothing but open and honest. As I am piggy backing the audience he has drawn, I plan to follow suit with each contribution to this platform.

Before the 21st of December 2017 I was your average 18-year-old wishing away the week days and longing for that ‘Saturday night feeling’. I was out, most weekends, enjoying the feeling of intoxicating my body with alcohol alongside my friends. I had just started university at the time and after all, this what students go to university for right?

You’re probably questioning why I have introduced my story with an introduction to who I was before the 21st of December. The answer is simple. On that night I headed into town with my friends to enjoy the Christmas festivities. The only thing I was unaware of upon heading out that evening was that a 30-year-old male would break my spirit in a matter of minutes. My spirit remained broken for 9 months.

On the night of this discussion I was raped and pornographically violated. Particularly heavy words huh. I woke up in the home of a stranger, naked, disorientated, exposed, and oblivious of actual confirmation of what had happened the night before. I refused to believe what had happened to me was true. I never used the word ‘rape’ until it was presented to me in verbal communication from my counsellor that, that is what had occurred that night. Despite not knowing what had happened the night before all I knew when I left the next day was that there was a part of me missing. Exactly two weeks after the attack I was presented with my worst fears, a sexually explicit image of me surfaced, an image of my perpetrator engaging in intercourse with me. The photo was shared to my best friend, all his friends, and even made its way back to my own mum. Waking up the next day I did not believe anything else could break me. Boy was I wrong. The little piece of myself I had left had been stolen from me too. For the next three months following January the 4th I was mocked and laughed at by his friends, my ‘friends’ and my attacker himself. I truly had no care or regard left for myself, I was ashamed and riddled with self-blame. I began engaging in self-sabotaging behaviours; I was going out increasingly, misusing alcohol to numb the way I truly felt. I began to purge, head over the bowl, eyes streaming, screaming out for someone, anyone to save me from myself.

I went on like this for months. I hadn’t seen my perpetrator for months either. On August Bank Holiday Sunday I saw him. In a local bar, I sat in my seat at a table with my friends and he walked behind me, stroked my arm and hair. I did not move an inch, I wanted to cry, claw away at the part of my skin he had yet again invaded. He committed this act to simply remind me of what he had done, almost as if he was proud, it gave him a sense of control and dominance. He saw that I was enjoying my evening and decided he would soon put me in the place that belittled me and empowered him. Where it would have been easy for me to run home that night, I took a breath, rung my sister, and continued my night out. From the moment I stayed out I knew something had snapped inside of me. I had, had enough.

You see if you knew me on the outside, I looked fine and the majority of the time those whom are suffering look ‘fine’ on the outside, behind my bedroom walls I was howling praying to be anyone but myself.

Then I met Dan. I stumbled upon one of his blogs about loneliness. The universe had placed this blog in my path because it knew it was exactly what I needed to introduce me to the person whom was also struggling in his own personal life. Dan was never placed in my path for him to save me. Dan introduced me to podcasts and journaling. A week into communicating with Dan I knew exactly what I had to do without any interpretation from him. It was that I needed professional help. I made the call, attended the assessment and begun my six months of professional help. A form of help like no other. This was the route to correcting my self-destructive behaviours and allowing my heart to forgive myself.

I truly commend anyone with the bravery to admit themselves to counselling and therapy. I remember walking out of my assessment to meet my mum and sister. The only line I said to them whilst my voice cracked was ‘I know it was going to be hard but I didn’t think it was going to be that hard’ all the anger and hurt I projected upon myself for the past nine months was beginning to release from my body. His toxicity and grip that felt so heavily forced around my neck began to loosen. I write this part of this article tears streaming down eyes because I will never forget overwhelming feeling of no longer being under suffocation.

I had never planned this vicious attack to ever be part of my story, but without it I would have not been enabled the empowerment to love myself unconditionally, I would have never discovered the level of awareness that I currently attain. I am no longer full of hatred for him, nor am I for myself. The incident served its purpose exactly when it was supposed to. It will always be a part of my story, but it will not continue to define my story. It shaped me into the empowered and independent woman that I am and for that reason alone I am full of gratitude. I had two choices. I could have chosen: to live a life of bitterness and hurt, or I could have chosen to take what had already happened and recreate something beautiful from it. My message to you is that no matter what feels like the most heart-breaking situation to occur. You always have the power to choose yourself. Nobody will ever have more power over you than YOURSELF. Something taught to me by my counsellor when all I could feel was powerlessness.

If the said individual ever reads this, I hope you acknowledge that I don’t hate you. I thank you for giving me something far greater than what you think you gained. You gave me self-love, growth, and power.

Thank you! C x

Light, Darkness and Broken Pieces


Before you go any further you have to promise to not take pity on me or feel sad or upset for me because I share these blogs with you because it’s ‘my thing’, my therapy, and my way of putting my vulnerability out in the world, to hopefully show you that it’s ok to feel,

Feel down,

Feel shame,

Feel guilt,

Feel lonely,

And any other emotions you might currently be feeling, and by no means should you have to cover these up, and shy away from sitting in these emotions, because these are an important part of who you are, and if you don’t allow yourself the time to just feel these emotions when they come through you, then you will never truly understand why you are feeling them in the first place, and learn exactly what you need to learn in order to become the person you want to be.

Take the time you need to be alone, and reflect on who you are, and who you are striving to become, but NEVER, EVER try to cover up your vulnerabilities, because they are what make you unique and perfectly imperfect.


So these last couple of weeks i’ve made a promise to myself to stop acting in a way that takes me further away from the person I want to be, this has made me realise how much i’ve been letting myself down, a lot of the guilt and shame i’ve felt has been my battles with knowing i’ve let others down, but finally, I have got to a point where I am now thinking about myself first, and it has come with a huge sense of empowerment and relief, a huge deep breath in, standing up tall, and holding eye contact at all times, but at the same time a massive deep breath out, and drop of the shoulders like that weight has just been lifted.

Lastnight myself my brother and ‘Abigail’ (if you follow my blog you will know who Abigail is) decided in the spur of the moment to go for a couple of drinks for my brothers birthday weekend, before ordering a curry and going back to theirs to chill out and indulge in our favourite Indian dishes.

It was so nice to be out and just be able to enjoy a few drinks with the ‘odd’ sambucca (eye roll in Abigails direction) and just chat without the want or need to get completely intoxicated and wake up the next morning with that gut wrenching feeling of anxiousness and regret while scrambling for your phone to check your sent messages.

With a belly full of curry, fermented apples and sticky ginger (again one of my favourites, mind out the gutter) gluten free cake I was feeling a little sleepy and rather than get a taxi I was thrown my nephews duvet and pillow to cosy up on the sofa with.

After they went to bed I began reflecting on my life over the past few years.

I began to have this sense of loneliness come over me I began speaking to one of my friends who the other day I had a very similar conversation with but this time it was my turn to hear some words of wisdom to help me see things for what they really are.

Halfway through our conversation my battery died and I didn’t have my charger with me so I had no choice but to put my phone down and roll over and go to sleep with nothing but my thoughts.

I woke up feeling a little dry mouthed but otherwise pretty good so after getting up and throwing the duvet and pillow back upstairs and saying bye I put my shoes on and left.

As I was driving home I knew that today I needed to be on my own, I needed a Dan date day and although I had plans for work stuff to be done I had to spend time reflecting on why I am feeling like this.

I got home got showered and dressed necked a protein shake and went out the door to begin the 30 minute drive to the cinema.

I had heard a lot of very good things the day before from a friend who had told me i’d love it and it made her sob like a little girl, this was exactly what I needed and I knew if it made her cry then i’d need to sit as far away from everyone as possible in the cinema because nobody wants to hear a 30 year old man whaling and sniffling in his seat.

5 minutes into the film I knew straight away that this was going to hit me like a ton of bricks, music, passion and a love story now this had the foundations of a very very good film.

without giving too much away, from the moment he met her he was addicted, he knew that she was special and he very quickly became besotted with her.

To find someone that sees the magic inside of yourself that you struggle to see is beautiful and one of lifes blessings, he believed in her SO much and gave her the confidence to step into her greatness so she could share her message to the world all while knowing that he was always there to hold her hand and never let her fall.

She was very close to forgetting who she truly was when the fame really hit her but after a big row and him telling her what she needed to hear and not what she wanted to hear you could sense that she no longer wanted the fortune and fame and this false image that she had become as it was beginning to take her further away from the most important thing they both had,

Unconditional love for eachother.

This film literally made me feel so many different emotions but yes she couldn’t of been more right when i’d been told i’d love it.

I’d spent almost 2 hours sat in the corner of the cinema crying my eyes out, the type of tears that feel as if they are coming from deep within your soul.

Now my life is good but at the minute I am going through what the guru’s and life coaches would describe as ‘a period of growth’

I have days when I feel on top of the world like nothing can touch me, i’m the most confident i’ve ever been, I know what I want but more importantly I know exactly who I am.

Then I have days like today when I have feelings of immense earth shattering loneliness where I just want to be on my own crying all day.

I often think on days like today how broken I am and have so many thoughts of selling everything I have and moving away to start a new life and maybe bump into my Ally (you must go and watch A star is born)

I often try and remember how it feels to be in love and when I see couples and watch films like today that have these love stories not only does it make me happy but it also reinforces the fact that I am lonely.

My thing now is I want to attract the best most amazing relationship into my life and to do this I need to become the person who deserves this and work hard addressing the ‘flaws’ I have so I can not only be immensely proud of who I am but also become someone that is able to inspire and support ‘her’ to achieve her dreams just like Jackson did with Ally.

For me I know to do this and really become that person I need to take myself away from certain things, places and even people which is one of the hardest things to do because these people are friends and I do not want them thinking i’m abandoning them but again I also understand that if they care about me they will respect why I am doing this and not take it personally.

I am by no means searching, i’m not on dating sites (not that there is anything wrong with them) and I am not pursuing anyone romantically because for me I know that when it’s my time that person will enter my life and it will just naturally fall into place.

I’ve only ever been in love twice and both have been very different but taught me things about myself that I am hugely grateful for,

I just want to say to you…………..

If you are going to bed alone tonight wandering what is wrong with you and why no one wants to be with you just remember that when you try to hard to be in a relationship you’re not going to be attracting the type of person that is going to love you unconditionally and look into your eyes at night while you’re laying in bed together and make you feel so safe and secure because until you become the type of person that you love and are proud of why would you attract someone into your life that will do that for you?!

Now I may be getting into bed tonight feeling lonely and maybe even wishing that someone was there with me I will by no means feel unworthy and unloved because this is my time to become that person that is going to attract my forever girl and relationship and I am not going to settle because of loneliness.


blog lady gaga

Disliking Yourself Is A Necessity Of Life

If you follow my blog you will know that this is just my platform to be completely honest, open and raw, in the hope that it helps someone realise that they are not alone, and in fact every single one of us has struggles and fears, and being vulnerable is massively important to start attracting the type of people and relationships into your life that you actually want, and not just surface interactions.


Now you might be wandering what the fuck I mean when I say disliking yourself is a necessity of life……….


Well, I invite you to take a trip with me down the rabbit hole where I will divulge my own personal experiences and feelings on this matter.


So, bumpy ride wasn’t it, sorry about that, but now you’re here lets make a pact,


Anything you’re struggling with right now, that you can control, I want you to promise me you will really think about how you can improve the situation, and take an action to move you towards that……….


*online pinky promise




One thing you may hear a lot that really frustrates me is ‘as long as you’re happy’


Now if happiness is the most important thing, then why are there rehabs for alcoholics and drug addicts, because when they have a drink in their hand, or a line rattling through their nostrils, they will be in their happy place and nothing else matters in that moment.


The last 12 months I have been having this internal battle of wanting to be happy long term and doing things that make me happy in the moment.


I am at my absolute happiest when I am on my own, either walking in nature,  by the sea, or sitting in a tea room drinking coffee eating cake and planning my next blog, but the biggest paradox in my life is I want to be in love, and create a life with someone, a partner in crime is my way of explaining it, someone I can share my biggest secrets and desires and weaknesses with and know that they are still going to be there, deep down we all have a set of expectations and a check list if you will of the things that are non-negotiable when it comes to a relationship, but this is where so many people get this the wrong way round.


After being in a really shit place from my last relationship I attached myself to something that allowed me to look at things abit differently,


So I could be happy in the moment and not let any feelings or emotions get in the way cocaine very quickly became my go to every single weekend.


I go out drinking and sniffing coke on a Saturday because as much as I love my own company, too much of anything can be a negative, and we all want to socialise and connect with people deep down.


Why cocaine has been a big part of me getting over my ex and putting that in the past, is because it creates a shield for me, a big fuck off piece of armour that defends my true feelings and emotions and lets me see women in one way.


Now if you’ve read any of my other blogs you’ll know why sex and passion are massively important for me, and cocaine enables me to almost objectify women so I don’t have to feel anything other than the obvious, now this is where the title of this blog comes from……….


The next day (99% of Sundays) I hate myself because I am potentially ruining any real sort of connections by objectifying them rather than interacting as the best version of myself just because I have had this wall up for over a year and I’m scared of falling in love again.


Now what so many of us do, is start looking for someone while we’re in this negative place to almost rescue us, but the truth is no one is coming to rescue you from yourself, you have to become the type of person that attracts that relationship into your life, remember like attracts like.


Now my dilemma isn’t the fact that I have been doing cocaine, because I really don’t have an issue with that I personally think alcohol can be far worse, but rather the fact that I have befriended it as a way of shutting the real me away.


The last few weeks I have felt myself regaining control, and the power shifting more in favour of choosing to do what I do at the weekend, rather than feeling like I have to do what I’ve been doing, thing is, everything can be used in a negative way even something that you would see as a positive so its about really understanding and reflecting on why you are doing something and asking yourself ‘am I in control or is this thing in control of me?’


The reason I am so grateful for the fact that I dislike myself on a Sunday is because it flicks a switch in me to go back to being the Dan that I am proud of and the Dan that is always striving for self growth so he can be more and do more for other people, if my only mission in life was to be happy I would continue to get intoxicated every weekend, objectifying women and never really finding that person I want to create a life with.


We all have parts of our personality that we dislike, and that is a positive, because it will always leave room for exploration and growth meaning that who you are today doesn’t have to be who you are tomorrow.


Don’t let your struggles or challenging times bring out a side in you that you dislike and allow it to define you, you can be the person you want to be and attract the type of relationship you want into your life you just have to first be honest and admit that you dislike yourself.





Confessions Of A Cheat

This has to be one of the hardest blogs i’ve wanted to write, but I really hope it helps you come to terms with this if you are currently going through it or have been through it.

I almost took the easy route and was going to write this objectively, but the reason I love writing this blog and I think you enjoy reading it is because, i’m so open, honest and vulnerably raw that it so much more personal, which means you relate to it on a much deeper level.

So here goes,

Phone on airplane mode,

Deep breath,

I want to take you back a few years to when I was in a relationship, my first relationship and my first love.

Now if you know me or regularly read my blog you will know that I am a soppy, hopeless romantic, who cries over every rom-com and love story,

Seeing couples madly in love makes me happy, I suppose because it’s everything I want.

I was in my early 20’s no older than 22, and i’d fallen in love with a girl I could see my whole future with, kids, marriage family holidays, Sunday morning breakfasts around the kitchen table laughing and joking with the kids, before going out to feed the ducks while the roast chicken cooks,

I told you, soppy.

We were best friends, we’d have our weekend routine that both of us would look forward to all week,

Friday night would be a film and an indian takeaway,

Saturday night would normally be fajitas couple of drinks and x-factor,

And Sunday would be a nice lay in, followed by a cooked breakfast, then a roast dinner at our favourite pub The Lamarsh Lion,

These are the things you take for granted, and when they are gone you wish you appreciated them even more at the time.

On the outside looking in it would appear that everything was perfect or as perfect as a relationship can be,

Sure we had our ups and downs but we always got through them because we loved eachother and wanted to be together forever,

Actually that was kind of our saying,

together forever, and I bought her a charm for her Pandora bracelet that said exactly that.

But deep inside of me I had this demon or what I thought was a demon at the time trying to work its way to the surface,

It’s only been the last couple of years that it wasn’t a demon or anything to be ashamed of inside of me it was and is just me.

So how when everything was so good and I loved her so much did I cheat on her???

You may or may not know about my childhood and how I always struggled with confidence,

I was also brought up as a Jehovah’s witness which also gave me a lot of issues exploring my sexuality and desires.

As a 21, 22 year old lad I still wasn’t overly confident in the bedroom, don’t get me wrong I could have normal sex vanilla sex as I call it but actually having the confidence to express my deepest desires with someone that I loved was something I just couldn’t do.

Before being in a relationship i’d go out and the weekend getting drunk and sniffing coke and for me this is why I have spent years working on my self confidence because I didn’t want to feel like I needed to alter my state of mind with drink drugs to be able to fully express myself.

My biggest fear was sharing my sexual wants and desires with her and being laughed at or told I was disgusting and then losing her and what we had ‘just’ because of sex.

After about 5 years into our relationship having built my confidence up and starting my own personal training business I began to fantasise more and more about these things to the point where my phone was used just as much for porn as it was contacting friends and family.

The turning point in our relationship was when one of us had to start speaking to a therapist about anxiety and depression.

For me sex is not just physical it’s when I feel most loved and when you can both be at your most vulnerable and still feel so comfortable its one of the best feelings ever.

If you’ve suffered with anxiety or depression you will know that physical contact and sex are probably not something that is going happen very much if at all.

At first it started out as someone to talk to but very quickly it became apparent that we had a genuine connection.

I no longer felt like I had to be the Dan in his early 20’s I could be present Dan and this was so freeing.

One day one thing led to another and in that moment I didn’t feel like that boy in school who was scared of being himself in front of girls, I didn’t feel like I had to hold back and I wasn’t scared of being judged.

Now this come with a shit load of feelings I had to deal with and try to understand how the fuck I have just done what I did.

I had cheated on the girl I loved and would literally do anything for and as amazing as I felt at the time the guilt would become the only winner.

I had so many emotions and feelings that were eating me up but at the same time it become an obsession.

I wanted to tell her what i’d done but I knew how much it would hurt her, I don’t like lying but Now I had created an even bigger demon inside me,


When it all come out as it always does I felt so ashamed and just wanted to hide away, I remember one of the last times I saw my ex who I still loved and just how much pain she was in and knowing that i’d caused that was one of the hardest things i’d ever seen,

My best friend and girlfriend was broken and it was all because of my actions.

The relationship ended and as time went on I had to speak to someone to help me deal with the guilt of what i’d done and really try to forgive myself,

I still don’t think i’ve fully forgiven myself and not sure if I ever will but all I can do is learn and remember to always be true to myself.

Something that has been a huge realisation for me is that when you are not fully showing up as your true self you are only stopping people in your life getting to know and love the real you,

Yes it’s scary being open. honest and vulnerable but would you rather hide a part of yourself from the world through fear of rejection or would people getting the know and love the real you be worth that risk???

This blog is by no means me trying to condone what I did but rather just to share my own personal experience before my next blog part 2.

So if you are currently going through this i’d just urge you to take a step back and really think about what the best decision is for you, your future self will thank you as soon as you start being true to yourself.


Picture taken at my favourite spot to plan my blogs :).

Should You Get Back With Your Ex

You’ve recently split up with your partner, and this has left you feeling lost, confused and with a million and 1 questions as to why and what you could of done differently, but the biggest question you keep asking yourself is,

Should I get back with my ex?

Now this is definitely not black and white as every relationship and break up is different, so I want to help you understand what the right decision for you BOTH is.

I’ll give you a couple of minutes to put the kettle on and grab a pen and paper.

Are you sitting comfortably?

Now this may seem like a check list of pros and cons you’d make when buying a house or booking a holiday, but I promise you, this will help you come to the best decision moving forward.

The first question I want to help you understand is,

Why do I want to get back with my ex??

Do you want to get back with your ex because you feel lonely?

You’d stopped seeing your friends and gave everything to your partner and now they are no longer there you feel like you have no one……..

Do you want to get back with your ex out of habit?

you’ve spent every day speaking to them seeing them and planning your weekends together and now they are gone you don’t know what to do with yourself………

Do you want to get back with your ex because you felt comfortable with them?

You were together for so long that you felt completely comfortable being yourself around them, you could burp, fart act weird and be yourself and you now worry that no one will ever make you feel like that again……….

Do you want to get back with your ex because part of you feels a failure?

You are worried that other people will look at you and think ‘I told you so’ and you still want to prove them wrong………..

The next question I want you to think about is who ended the relationship and why?

If they ended the relationship part of you will feel like you want to get back with them because you feel rejected and you just want to feel wanted by them again.

If you ended the relationship then you will know exactly why you ended it so ask yourself will them issues still be there if I get back with them.

Alot to take in right but all of these things you’re now reflecting on are vitally important to come to a life changing decision and definitely should not be overlooked.

It can be so easy in a relationship to just go day to day without actually taking a step back and looking at it objectively and this is why people lose themselves because they get complacent and actually forget why they started the relationship in the first place.

I want you to really think about the layers of the relationship and understand what your relationship was built on.

  • Did you help eachother to become better people?
  • Did you bring out eachothers insecurities and work through them as a team?
  • Did you feel caged and controlled or free and limitless?
  • Was their more negative or more positive points in your relationship?
  • Could you see your dream life becoming a reality with this person?

This is where you really have to take yourself out of your own head and ask yourself are we truly compatible?

Now this has to be the hardest question to ask yourself and give a brutally honest answer…….

Am I giving them the happiness and the life they deserve or would we both be happier walking away and allowing eachother to find our true happiness and the person we are actually meant to be with?

Now this is something i’ve never really understood or believed, I suppose because deep down i’m a hopeless romantic and think that love should conquer all just like in the films, but i’ve had a year to really reflect and think about everything and i’ve come to the conclusion that actually sometimes love isn’t enough.

Now this is a hard pill to swallow when you’re madly in love with someone but I need to repeat this,

Sometimes love isn’t enough!

Love can be blind and even fucking stupid, you can make yourself believe things that if love wasn’t the main driver you wouldn’t even entertain that’s why I personally think that when a relationship breaks down you need to give yourselves enough time to cut contact (if possible) work on yourself and really reflect on these things otherwise love will talk you into something that might not be the best thing.

I completely understand how you will be feeling because i’ve had phases of wanting to get back with both of my exes, I love being in love and this is why i’ve only ever had 2 relationships because for me it has to be 110% genuine and because i’m more than happy in my own company if I have any doubts I just won’t pursue it.

Now this is something that you will hear a lot of people say but actually very few people are,

You have to be true to yourself………..

This can come down to fear of being on their own but I personally think it’s because they haven’t ever given themselves time to be on their own and learnt who they are and what they actually want from life and a relationship, instead they just rush in when someone shows them abit of attention.

When you get to a point where you are certain of what you want then you will know whether the right thing is to try and rekindle something with an ex.

So now how do you feel after going through all of these points and reflecting on your past relationship……….

It’s time to be brutally honest,

Do you now want to get back with your ex?



The Past Relationship Victim

This is something I genuinely feel needs to be addressed by every single one of us, we’ve all been hurt in the past as i’m sure we’ve also all hurt someone in the past, intentionally or unintentionally, I truly believe this would save so much stress and heartache if you didn’t feel scared of being on your own.

From couples holidays to cosy nights in with a romantic M and S dine in for 2 everything just makes you feel like a loser for being on your own,


This is because you see being single as a negative and your first response is to meet someone as quickly as possible.

As soon as you become single you will instantly feel ‘lost’ you’ve been in a routine for a period of time and now you have all this freedom it can become quite daunting, NOW is the time to reflect on your past relationship, and think about the things that triggered emotions in you that you don’t like, and really understand why you felt that way and work on solutions so that you become a better person, not just for yourself, but also in your next relationship.

For me I had this self worth issue that used to torment me at night when I felt like I couldn’t financially ‘keep’ her, i’ve worked on this a lot and will not let myself get fully emotionally involved with anyone until I feel like i’ve done the work required so I never feel like that again.

I think from a young age boys have been taught they need to grow up and be the providers so I know it’s a pride thing but society is changing to not stigmatise any of the roles in heterosexual relationships although personally I am still kind of old fashioned.

You might find yourself getting upset or causing an argument every time your partner goes out without you, now this is obviously your insecurity and you need to deal with this.

Your partners job might make you feel insecure, so you begin to make them feel guilty for choosing that career path.

whatever it is that you feel causes you to feel insecure in your relationship, you have to remember that this is an emotion that you are in control of, it is just going to take some work to not let it negatively impact your relationship.

Imagine meeting someone that is literally besotted by you and worships the ground you walk on but you constantly question why,

You are getting ready to go out for dinner together, and he says how amazing you look, but all you do is reply “no I don’t I feel horrible” this is such hard work for someone to constantly have their compliments pushed aside and almost made to feel like they are in the wrong.

Think about the type of person you want to meet,

Do you want to meet someone who is insecure?

Do you want to meet someone with no confidence?

Do you want to meet someone who is bitter because of their past relationships?

I would expect that these aren’t traits that you look for in a partner so why would anyone want to be with you if this is exactly how you’re feeling?


You can jump from relationship to relationship never really growing as a person, but do you want to go through life never meeting that special someone that you could meet when you are the best version of yourself, and then grow through life together continually becoming better and pushing eachother to become everything you’ve both dreamed of?!

As I sit here 22:10 on a Tuesday evening reflecting I realise that everything that has happened in my life, every mistake i’ve made and the hurt i’ve felt has all had meaning and purpose to it and is setting me up for the next chapter in my life.

I’ve been single for almost a year now, and I genuinely do miss having someone to share everything with, but i’m also at the point where things will really start to flag up for me very quickly, and put me off getting emotionally involved, because if I don’t feel like I could live my life and grow into the person I know I am and want to become, then I won’t put the energy or effort in because i’m in no rush.

The unexpected friendships i’ve made over this last year, and the things i’ve experienced and learnt about myself, have made me feel like I now have a type, i’ve never really felt like I had a type other than certain physical attributes but now for me the list of boxes that have to be ticked are growing, and I honestly don’t know whether that’s a good thing or not, but I do believe that if you are meant to be with someone then the universe will bring you together, and keep bringing you together until you act on it.

Stop relationship hopping and looking for someone to complete you, as lonely as it gets at times always remember what you want and NEVER settle!

Use this period to address the issues that terrorised you when you were in a relationship,IMG_6344 and become a much better person so you start naturally attracting the type of people you do want in your life.

Always remember that what you are and what you put out into the universe will come back to you, if you are confident and happy then guess what will find it’s way into your life………