So I wanted to talk about something that over the last couple of years I’ve become very passionate about…
Probably because I grew up in a religious cult that conditions you to believe that homosexuals are Satan worshippers and a human beings sexuality is something to suppress and hide away.
^^^ I don’t know, but maybe teaching young children that, may create some pretty deep rooted trauma?!
Anyway I digress…
‘The work’ for me has been a process of uncovering all the shame I have around sexuality (btw I’m not talking about what gender I am attracted to) and really bringing it to the surface, so I can see it for what it really is.
Shame = someone else’s opinion and judgement NOT your own.
It’s been hard work and I’ve hurt a handful of people along the way,
Hurt people hurt people, right!
^^^ but that truth doesn’t let you off the hook so you can continually go about your life hurting people without any consequences.
The deeper ive gone into my shame instead of identifying with it, I’ve been able to see that underneath it all has always just been a little boy who believes that he is unlovable.
He was never taught that having sexual thoughts, desires and urges are all part of being a normal healthy human being.
So he tried his best to lock it away and hide it from the outside world,
Sometimes he was able to,
Other times it leaked out in unhealthy ways.
He was just trying his best with the tools he had at the time.
The more I’ve been able to take off the heavy layers of shame and give it back to who it belonged to the more I have uncovered new parts of myself.
It’s like I’m starting to see parts of me that even I was scared of looking at so I had always turned away.
I’ve began asking myself “what is it that you actually like or are curious about?” As a way to learn more about myself.
Being able to speak to myself the same way you’d speak to your best friend has been so healing for me.
And this is exactly why I want to share this message I received…
Btw this has nothing to do with the ‘sender’ and everything to do with the questions, comments, judgements behind the message.
Men’s sexuality is very often demonised.
For example just look at how women are now fully embracing their sexuality, talking about their WAP and posting half naked pictures on social media (which btw I feel is hugely empowering),
Then think about what stories and judgments would be put on a man for expressing his sexuality…
‘He’s creepy!’ Perhaps,
‘He’s just after sex!’ Perhaps,
‘He’s weird!’ Perhaps,
‘He’s gay!’ Perhaps,
Never would it be seen as a man stepping into his power!
Think about what these negative judgements do to a young boy…
Feeling ashamed of his sexuality and feeling like he has to suppress it,
This just perpetuates the toxic narrative that our sexuality is predatory and dangerous.
We all know what happens as a result of men not speaking out and feeling unable to express themselves.
Now think about the messages men have heard all their lives about being a ‘homo’ or ‘bent’
Its used as the ultimate insult!
Yet the messages around homosexuality in females, is again, empowering.
Men are terrified of being seen as gay or even slightly feminine because as much as people can spout #pride we all know that the #bekind is actually just a trend, instead of a way of life.
Men hide certain desires and curiosities through fear of being labelled as gay, even something non related like wearing some female underwear (like an item of clothing can dictate whether I like a penis or a vagina 🤷🏻♂️).
A female wearing a pair of ‘boys boxers’ aren’t labelled as gay to my knowledge?!
Imagine if all men were given permission to explore their sexuality the same way that now women are.
Women really are leading the way when it comes to sexual liberation!
I’d love it if men that want to or have experienced something sexually with another man,
Occasionally like wearing female underwear…
Or anything else that they have curiosities around we’re able to speak openly, confidently and proudly instead of suppressing, denying and hiding.
We’re all terrified of being put in certain boxes yet we have a need to put others in boxes.
The only way we will ALL ever be able to step into who we really are, without a fear of rejection, is if we all individually look at where we are still judging others,
Because the judgements we have towards others are really mirrors showing us what we still judge ourselves for.
I’ve worked through enough of my ‘stuff’ and now with the support of my amazing fiancée I am ready to be that voice for men…
The permission slip they need to stop living in fear that someone might find out about that ‘little fumble’
Or ‘those messages’ they sent to that guy,
Or anything else they are fearful of people finding out about,
Because our sexuality is NOT something to be shamed, or demonised, or labelled in ANY way that perpetuates a narrative that stops men opening up.
Supporting men to open up and express themselves however they want to STOPS the cycle of shame that causes men to hide, deceive, act out and hurt others.
If hurt people, hurt people… Then love and compassion are the antidote ️!
My whole life I have either told myself I’m bad, or spent so much energy trying to control those parts of me that I thought were bad.
This has led me to reject a huge part of myself and never really let anyone in. So many of us do this!
We hold on to the ideals of what we think we should be and then judge others for not living by our rules.
Since my childhood, and being told that my sexuality is bad, and Jehovah doesn’t like that part of me, I’ve held on to the belief that if God who loves everyone unconditionally doesn’t love me, then obviously I need to try my best to be someone else to be worthy of love.
Sex and masturbation have been so deeply filled with shame that it’s caused me to cheat, objectify, be disrespectful and hurt people I love.
As a result of this it has just showed me more proof that I am bad.
My sexuality is unsafe and when I am in sexual pleasure it causes me to hurt people.
It’s been a journey of so much pain, heartbreak and suffering but now I am ready to bring my most powerful self into my relationships, my business and the world.
Lastnight I had the courage for the first time ever in my life to fully open up about my sexuality and it felt so liberating.
Charis looked at me with such love and she said to me “I’m so proud of you and I am excited to be by your side supporting you in your most powerful version of yourself”
Everything that I’ve been through in my life has been part of God’s plan (not Jehovah, Actual God, the totality, the source of creation, unconditional love),
I needed to be brought up in a religious cult and experience such deep religious wounding and trauma,
I had to hurt my first love (as much as I wish I didn’t, and I know in time we will be able to have a friendship),
I had to go through the experience of being treated as a rapist (innocent until proven guilty isn’t actually a thing when you’re arrested by the way),
I had to live in fear of rejection all the while rejecting myself,
I have to be terrified of intimacy and only experience what it was like partially letting someone in,
I had to experience it all because without it I would NOT be able to fully understand what self rejection looked and felt like.
I needed to understand that because God has put me here to support you all into stepping into your true selves and expressing yourselves in whatever feels right for you.
No more fear of judgement,
No more settling,
No more playing small in the world,
I am a beacon of light for you all to guide you into your power so that you stop rejecting parts of yourself and holding on to all the limiting stories you have around ‘I’m not good enough’
You are more powerful than you know!
I recognise that this post and picture will trigger you into wanting to judge me,
What I would invite you to do is first of all ask yourself what is this trigger trying to teach me.
Because your ego will be wanting to keep you safe and by doing so it will cause you to put me in a box and label me.
I also understand that this will cause you to want to label me and my sexuality,
This too is ok,
It’s your ego wanting to keep you safe so that YOU don’t get judged,
I want you to know that whatever feelings this post brings up in you is absolutely perfect,
But it’s in these triggers that we learn the most about ourselves and get an opportunity to be aware of what part of us needs more love.
So I’m going to leave you now and give you the time and space to reflect,
But for now if you need a label to put on me to make you feel more safe,
I am a son of God.
If any of this resonates and you’d like to gain the confidence to be able to start showing up in your life and relationships fully instead of feeling like you have to hide/reject parts of yourself then my brand new 6 Week Breakthrough Programme it’s for you.
It’s a program that I’ve only been able to create now since fully stepping into my most powerful self and no longer rejecting any parts of me.
It’s a program that will allow you to look at all the areas of yourself that you are keeping hidden through shame and those stories that I’m all too familiar with ‘if I show someone this side of me they will reject me’
We go into self sabotage and how you are keeping yourself locked in victimhood,
I will teach you tools that will help you navigate your everyday life so you are much more aware of these patterns and know how to deal with them instead of feeling powerless.
Like I said it’s taken me my whole life, a shit load of money and even more energy and courage to get to this point on my self love journey,
So this program absolutely WILL reflect that.
How can you honour yourself right now instead of continuing to play small?
When I first heard that a couple of years ago, it hit with an element of shame attached to it,
funny that considering my whole life has been a whole barrage of shame due to good old religious programming and conditioning.
rationally I knew what the term meant but what I heard was a gentle whisper of ‘you’re not a man unless you sort your shit out’ and this blog is all about ‘my shit I needed to sort out/heal’
For so much of my life I have been terrified of true intimacy, I would never let people get too close, whether you were a friend, a family member, or an intimate partner I would only invite you in so far.
Now I believe that this is our work as individuals and as a collective human race to create the safety to remove those barriers around our heart,
Firstly for ourselves, and this is what will allow us to be fully expressed in the world, which leads to unadulterated, unapologetic, self expression and the deepest connections we all truly desire.
What needed to be healed in me was a belief that I was bad/dirty/wrong/self-abusive/sinful and basically unlovable.
Now where did this belief come from?
I’ve got to pause here for a second and take 3 deep slow breaths
My inner child is now clinging on to my leg and pleading with me not to share this because he is worried we will be laughed at, judged and he is scared that it will put us back in that state of suffering i’ve been in effectively for 20+ years since it happened.
Sorry back in a second I just need to console him.
“Young Dan, I want you to know that i’m so grateful that you are expressing your fears and concerns with me, and I completely understand where they are coming from, because I too, am a little unsure, but I want you to know that whatever happens i’ve got you, and I always will have you, your loving big brother Dan”
Sorry about that everyone lets proceed…
So when I was about 11 or 12 as a young Jehovahs witness boy me and another Jehovahs witness friend of the same age began experimenting with eachother.
Now neither of us really knew what we were doing, and we also ‘knew’ that it was wrong and Jehovah wouldn’t be happy about it, but being the age we were, our hormones and curiosity were far stronger than the feelings of ‘wrongness’ that were also present.
This went on for a few months.
It came to a very abrupt ending when my friend could no longer deal with the guilt of what we were doing.
Both his parents were very ‘in’ the religion, and I think possibly this was why he felt far more guilt than what I did.
My mum was a Jehovahs witness and my dad wasn’t, so as much as my mum tried to steer me on to the ‘right path’ singlehandedly my mum was unable to indoctrinate me into those teachings as much as his parents were.
By the way I just want to be clear that I don’t hold on to any judgments about our parents being better or worse than eachother, just parents that were doing what they believed were the best things for their children.
He told me that he was going to tell his parents as he couldn’t do it anymore because he knew it was wrong.
This terrified me even as a young boy because I knew the extent of how ‘bad’ this was that we’ve been doing.
After all this came out we were spoken to by the elders (you could call them priests I suppose) and they had the job of telling us how wrong it was and why Jehovah would not approve of it.
Now as i’m sure you can imagine as a 11 or 12 year old boy, being told this by fully grown men, the message they were trying to convey was not the message that I heard.
The most vivid memory I have of this whole experience is one of me and my mum.
My mum and dad had a little table just as you walked into their bedroom with 2 chairs and this is where we would sit and have our weekly bible studies.
We used to have regular bible studies which I actually really enjoyed because it was time that me and my mum had together.
After all this came out we had a bible study about why this behaviour needed to stop.
Now this is how the memory looks to me and I can’t explain it or see it any other way.
I am standing behind me and my mum sat at the table as the adult version of me right now.
My mum is showing me scriptures from the bible explaining to me why Jehovah wouldn’t approve.
I see my mum next to a little boy feeling inadequate, feeling embarrassed, feeling scared that he had let his mum and dad down and I see him just shrinking more and more into the chair.
Strangely enough, you may think, I also see my mum as a holy being, a nurturing loving mother who was trying her best to ‘save me’ (if you’re unaware of the Jehovahs witness fundamental teachings then effectively if you go against Jehovah he will murder you along with everyone else that isn’t a Jehovahs witness at Armaggedon) and this is something i’m trying to help my mum recognise, as she holds on to a lot of guilt around raising her 2 boys in religion and how it has affected us, even though I think she also still believes the teachings.
Which by the way mum, you could never be or do anything that would make me stop loving you, my love for you is not out of choice, I don’t choose to love you, I just love you unconditionally, full stop.
Now this whole traumatic experience created a HUGE amount of shame that I have only been consciously aware of for the last few years.
This is where my absolute terror comes from when I think about letting someone fully into my heart.
The story i’d created was that if God who is unconditional love is telling me this part of me is wrong, then how can I ever trust a mere human to tell me otherwise?!
4 years ago when I went through the toughest time ever in my life after being arrested for an allegation of attempted rape, I knew then that I had created this unconsciously because I needed to heal the little boy in me that was still holding onto shame around sexuality.
funnily enough this pushed me even further down into shame and I NEEDED an outlet for this shame which at the time I didn’t consciously choose but became ‘my thing’ for being seen.
I was trying to rewrite this story into a much healthier, liberating story that didn’t leave me feeling ‘bad’.
since going through therapy (i’ve just finished this week my 3 month journey) I have been able to recognise what I was actually recreating…
So my thing became being watched masturbating either in person (while on cocaine) or over video call.
This was me crying out for the validation that in fact I wasn’t bad and I was normal.
Unsuprisingly knowing what I know now, what I was actually recreating and perpetuating, was this cycle of shame, it never filled that void, and it never made me feel good enough, all it done was leave me feeling worse and believing the story that i’m bad, even more.
The most profound thing my therapist enabled me to recognise came from a simple question that i’d NEVER been asked and i’d never even asked myself…
That question was,
“When you and your friend were doing what you were doing did you enjoy it?”
This literally halted me in my tracks and brought me to my knees because in all of this and all of these years of holding on to this story I never even thought about if I enjoyed it!
I sat their for about 30 seconds in silence just looking at her and feeling what was coming up…
I have never ever thought about that or been asked that, but yes I did enjoy it and I didn’t want it to stop.
Realising this and being able to admit it to myself and to her, instantly brought so much relief with it, because in that moment I connected with the real me, the part of me that had been shoved so far down and had been residing in that fiery pit of hell/shame and was now invited to come out with ZERO judgement.
She went on to help me realise that as a result of me enjoying it but being told I was wrong for it so much of my sexuality was attached to ‘well if it’s bad then I enjoy it and if I enjoy it I must be bad’
Now this was SOOOO profound and hit me straight in the truth (where we actually live, our truth, who we really are) and with that a huge feeling of self compassion engulfed me, I could see that innocent 12 year old boy in every ‘mistake’ i’d made and I could let go of all the hurt i’d caused because I too was in pain through all of it.
Now I would not be here now if it wasn’t for my girlfriend.
3 years ago when we met I had started ‘doing the work’ and i’d been blogging regularly for a few months, which was kind of like my therapy, and another way for me to be seen without actually REALLY being seen.
Anyway, she resonated with a blog I wrote about loneliness (I used to write a lot of blogs about how I was currently feeling) that blog I wrote had planted a seed and a few weeks later she reached out.
we got speaking and for 9 months built a friendship that really was the catalyst for my healing.
Charis invited me out of my own suffering and really showed me what unconditional love was,
It has taken me 4 years to feel worthy of it, but if it wasn’t for her love at a time when I couldn’t love myself, I would not be the man I am today!
Charis was my reward from God for ‘starting the work’ and has supported me and inspired me every single day,
In fact it was only because of her that I started having therapy.
She was my strength and my safety to truly surrender to love and intimacy.
These last 11 months have really been a metamorphosis of deep deep transformation, where I can now be that loving nurturing big brother or parent of ‘little Dan’ and give him exactly what he needs whenever he is feeling scared or less than.
I really see my work now as a practise of having the courage to bare all, and every time I look for something or think about something in the form of intimacy outside of my relationship, to firstly be aware of that being an old fear based programme running in the background, and acknowledge 12 year old Dan just feeling afraid.
I don’t believe that 1 partner can give us everything, but I also believe we don’t get to forfeit the possibility of first of all giving our partner the opportunity to be however that may look.
I have to first of all fully express myself and my desires to my partner, then and only then can I think about outsourcing.
This is my work.
My mission or purpose if you will, in this world, is to be a light for others to see just how beautiful unapologetic self expression is, and empower them to step more into who they truly are.
Vulnerability is my superpower,
Are you ready to uncover yours…
The Beatles meeting me and my mum 2 years ago in Liverpool.
We have so much fear about opening up and allowing others to see our humanness, because we’ve been conditioned to believe that being vulnerable is a weakness, I wonder why ‘they’ would have us believe that our superpower (vulnerability), you know the thing that creates strong connections with other human beings is a weakness 😉…
Ok look I’m not here to go down the rabbit hole of the elite, and how they want to keep us disconnected from our natural state, and how they want us to see ‘them’ as our saviours so we give up all our power…
I’m here to talk to you about the lessons I’ve learnt over the last 12 months, and how I think they can benefit you if you relate my story to your life, and look at the crossovers between the words that are coming out of me and the thoughts and experiences that are part of you.
If we always remember that we have an invisible thread connecting us all this will help us to see the eternal ‘us’ instead of the separate me and you.
So just over 12 months ago I began a deep journey of reconnecting to myself.
I had spent the last few years holding on to an identity that I had become ashamed of and I had attached so much of that identity to Dan the PT.
I’d been a PT for years and originally my reasons for wanting to become a PT were;
⦁ I’d spent a few years just going from job to job just wishing my life away and lacking confidence, but most of all purpose, I knew there was more to life than just working 40+ hours in a shitty job to pay bills and get pissed at the weekend because I was bored.
⦁ I’d been going to the gym and had always been sporty and active my whole life and that is what made me feel the most alive.
⦁ Being a naturally slim lad all my life, and then building some muscle gave me so much more confidence, and I wanted to help other people experience the benefits that I too have experienced.
⦁ I knew that I still struggled with confidence, and the only way to grow was to step out of my comfort zone and do something I loved.
⦁ I had told one of the women I worked with that I was going to apply for an apprenticeship to become a personal trainer, to which she responded “you will never make any money being a pt and if you put the hours in here you can earn good money” btw that ‘good money’ was about £1600 a month! This gave me the kick up the arse to get out of that hell hole even faster.
⦁ I had a couple of people that doubted me and a couple of ‘mates’ that would laugh at me when I told them how much I earned, this again was more fuel to the ‘i’ll show you’ fire.
⦁ I loved the feeling I got when I would help people, even if that help was being a listening ear to someone, it gave me a feeling of purpose.
Now a lot of my reasons were to either prove to others I could ‘do it’, to build my self confidence, or to help people, and that is what enabled me to open a pt studio and grow my business in 6 months from £900 a month to £5000.
But the shit hit the fan as you’ve read in other blogs and that sent me on a downward spiral of drink, drugs and instant gratification seeking.
As I started to come out the other side of that low point in my life, I began (as I think we all do) demonising that old version of me, and instead of having a little self compassion, I began judging those behaviours in others, because I was still ashamed of those parts of myself.
This lack of empathy for myself that I was projecting onto others made me go into my shell, because in my mind I had told myself that this version of me that I didn’t like, would only come out if I had mates.
This meant that I isolated myself, which come with some backlash from people that I didn’t expect which then resulted in me attaching even more weight to the belief I had created around me being ‘better off on my own’.
From January 2020 I spent my days training clients, going for long 2+ hour walks on my own listening to self development podcasts, and the little time I did spend with other humans beings were Charis and her family.
Valentines day 2020 me and Charis had booked a lovely little air bnb (courtesy of my mum) in lytham st annes, and I’d booked us lunch at the cat café in Preston.
This was our first real glimpse of living together with the added bonus of being right next to the beach, and in a lovely little seaside town.
I instantly fell in love with the place, and waking up next to Charis those few mornings and planning our days together which consisted of a gorgeous walk along the beach (even though it was freezing cold) just made me realise exactly what I wanted, and I was determined to make it a reality.
Charis was due to be started her masters degree at UCLAN (Preston uni) in september 2020, but by the end of March the world was shut down because of a deadly flu virus 😉, I’ll leave that discussion out of this blog.
Strangely enough by the start of April I had been given my 30 days notice by my landlord on my PT studio, which came as a surprise but was actually the best thing that happened to me.
This was the kick up the arse I needed to stop PT’ing, and really figure out exactly what it was I wanted to do.
So I spoke to Charis, and we decided that we would move away from Sudbury, and move up to Lytham st. Annes.
I spent the majority of April selling my gym equipment with no real clue what I was going to do for an income.
My plan a year prior to this was to be an online coach, and build my online business to a point where I could drop most, if not all of my in person clients, as my dream has always been to have locational freedom, to be able to decide at the drop of a hat that I want to go and move across the country, or the world, and not have any ties anywhere, my therapist has told me this is due to my religious upbringing which was very regimented in what I could or couldn’t do.
But the thing was, I no longer wanted to having any attachments or reminders of ‘Dan the PT’, and as much as I loved the deeper behaviour change coaching I was now doing along side my face to face pt stuff, it was still a part of me that I hadn’t healed which obviously meant I needed to discard it just like those friendships.
The start of May we had found a property, and although the world had gone crazy and people were telling us we won’t be able to move, not once did I doubt that we would be going.
See the thing with me is, if I want something I will do whatever it takes to get it, because I never want to be on my death bed and think about all the times in my life I made excuses and didn’t go after what I wanted.
I was in constant communication with the estate agents, and after paying our deposit and fees they had told us that on the 16th May, all we needed to do was drop into their office and pick up the keys.
We were moving 260 miles north of everything and everyone we’ve ever known!
Now I didn’t really have any ties to Sudbury anymore, didn’t really see any of my family much, didn’t have a business I needed to stay in Sudbury for, and there was nothing that I had to sort out, it was literally just a case of packing my clothes and driving up north.
Charis on the other hand, was living with her family and she’d just left a job and all her friends, so for her, this really was a big deal.
We packed the car and began the long but very exciting journey to start a new chapter in our lives, and with every mile closer to our new home, brought with it more and more freedom.
We were so excited getting the keys, because not only was it our first place together, but it was a brand new chapter, and the start of OUR chapter in really building a life together.
We spent the first few days sleeping on our sofa because our bed wasn’t turning up until a week later, but looking back now almost a year on, this was half the fun (as my mum would remind me) this always made me think of the question,
‘Would you want to win the lottery?’ My honest answer is no.
For me i’m not money motivated, sometimes I wish I was, but the truth is, my biggest value is growth, and the journey is far more important to me than the ‘destination’, it’s all about self exploration that is driven by a curiosity to learn who I am, which i’ve come to realise is through the journey of learning who i’m not.
One of my favourite memories is putting together a chest of drawers with Charis while we were drinking ciders on a warm summer evening, admittedly it brought back some feelings around my first relationship, and starting a new life with someone, but it was from the perspective of how far i’ve come, how sorry I am for the pain and heartache I caused because of my own ‘stuff,’ and being hit by this feeling of ‘I never ever want my stuff to hurt someone again’
Now of course we all have things we struggle with, but as soon as we have the awareness to recognise our ‘stuff’, we have to start taking responsibility to heal, and our intention behind it I believe should be, because we deserve to experience all the love in the world, and anything that makes us feel unworthy of that love is a direct invitation to love that part harder and is exactly where ‘the work’ is.
we spent the next 6 weeks or so living as if we were on holiday, and we were just excited everyday to lay on the beach, drink ciders and eat fish and chips, we’d found 2 gluten free fish and chip shops so of course it would be rude not to!
by July I kind of needed some routine back in my life and I knew it was time to again focus on self growth, I invested in a high end coachng programme at £3200 for 12 weeks, which was an amount i’d never invested in myself before, but I kind of just knew that this was going to be transformational for me,
Self growth motivated, not money motivated ;).
These 12 weeks brought up some things that were challenging for me, but being part of a group of growth oriented men, in a container that was liberating and loving, was like nothing i’d ever been a part of, and being able to share things with zero-judgement was huge for me.
At the end of the 12 weeks I came away with a handful of really close friends that I regularly keep in touch with, and would now consider some of my closest friends i’ve ever had, you know the type of friends where you don’t have to be anything or anyone other than yourself…
Now it was far more obvious to me who I am meant to be helping!
I am meant to be helping men that have had all these same feelings of unworthiness that i’ve had, and help them out of that dark hole that we all get stuck in at certain times in our lives, and be the light for them when they are ready to look up,
I know I can now be that helping hand up for them, to start creating the life they truly deserve, while we work through all those uncomfortable feelings and beliefs together.
Now I was filled with a deep sense of purpose, I set about creating a coaching programme based around my own journey and the modalities i’d learnt and used myself along the way.
I had just created my new programme and was like a kid in a candy store, the only difference was, I knew I could have it all, there was no limits!
The next morning I wrote a post about where I was 3 years ago, and where I am now, I spoke about being arrested for an allegation of attempted rape, and how I ended up in £10k worth of debt and living in my PT studio, and how investing in myself and committing to my health has got me to where I am now.
I posted this in a Facebook group for entrepeneurs and it’s got something like 17k people in there.
My post sparked a conversation with someone via messenger, he had told me he was in a similar situation, or atleast knew how I had felt back then and he was scared of going down that path and losing the life he now has.
We booked a call for a day later and he opened up about where he currently is, and how he is ready to commit to himself.
I told him I knew I could help him and we went through how it would look us working together for 12 weeks, and that the programme was £1000.
he said ‘let me speak to the mrs’
30 minutes later he messaged me saying, you know what let’s do it, i’m in, I know this is exactly what I need!’
I always remember this moment because we never knew eachother, and apart from a 30 minute call, he put all his faith into me, and was willing to invest £1000 without any real proof that this was going to be what he needed, heck he didn’t even know if I was legit or if i’d take his money and ghost him!
Since this point my business has grown, and the more I align with who I am, and share the REAL me, the more I feel alive, and get to help other amazing men that want more for their lives!
This is where it really takes off for me…
6 weeks ago I started counselling because I knew that I was still holding on to shame around religious ‘stuff’ linked to sexuality, and this I knew was impacting how I show up in my relationship, I liken it to a part of me that i’ve locked away, and I knew that having a space to sit in uncomfortable feelings and be validated would be exactly what I need to really open my heart to the world.
Since I started my blog a few years ago I have always been very open and raw about the things i’m currently going through, the reason for this is because for me it’s kind of like my therapy, it’s a way for me to be who I truly am, I don’t know what it is about writing but I find it so cathartic, and liberating, but i’ve always held this belief that my writing has to be separate from my business.
My writing (effectively the real me) has to be separate from my business, because it’s unprofessional and I need to be a certain way for people to buy into me.
This always left me feeling unfulfilled, and what i’d done was create a huge divide, again this comes back to my religious trauma that had me believe I am either GOOD or BAD.
I now no longer hold on to that belief that I have to divide parts of myself up, it just comes down to my willingness to be vulnerable, and my motivation for being vulnerable is so I can empower others to always be true to themselves, and STOP putting on different masks in order to ‘fit in’
At the end of the day not everyone will get me, and not everyone will like me, but as long as I like me, and I follow my heart, life will always be a beautiful adventure that is full of twists and turns, and amazing opportunities, and I REFUSE to be the limiting factor in experiencing ALL of life!
All those parts of me that i’ve hidden, discarded and shamed, I am now grabbing hold of, and reconnecting them, and I promise I will NEVER abandon any part of me again, i’ve done it for far too long, and I owe it to myself and those closest to me to bring all of me :).
My business and my writing are extensons of me, and are no longer separate entities that I judge and use for validation, I am now whole and am creating from a FULL heart, and not a heart that is begging to be mended or healed through people pleasing or playing small.
“Thankyou past Dan” as I wrap my arms around him and pat him on the back.
“You done exactly what you needed to do, you done your best, i’ll take us from here”
“I’ve got us”
What i’ve learnt…
Not everyone is meant to stay with you through every part of your life, and this does not mean that anything is wrong with you, OR them but just like day gives way to night the only permanent in life is change.
You can’t think your way through life, you have to FEEL your way through life and this means experiencing ALL of it, the highs and the lows and everything in between.
My worth is not attached to other peoples opinions of me, and is directly attached to my ability to love, and be loved, caveat… I am ALWAYS worthy of unconditional love.
Vulnerability is my superpower!
Everything I want is already inside of me I just have to shine a light in the darkness and not live in fear of what I might find.
It’s ALL LOVE!
I am capable of disgusting atrocities and every time I judge someone else for something I am instantly judging myself.
We are all one!
I am not my body or my thoughts, but the awareness behind it all.
happiness is a shitty metric to live your life by, because it’s an emotion, emotions come and go, purpose, fulfilment and joy are far better things to go in pursuit of.
life is NOT something that needs to look a certain way and as soon as you release attachment to how you think it should look the more you can begin enjoying this brief experience.
I’ve spent a lifetime trying to bury parts of myself that I believed made me a bad person due to my religious trauma,
Jehovah’s Witness cult for the record.
This trauma had me believe that parts of me were worthy of death and at the age of 11 or 12 that literally put the fear of god in me.
When I stopped subscribing to that religion as a young teenage boy, I didn’t realise just how much these abusive teachings had imprinted on me, and as a result I have gone through my life feeling like i’m 2 separate people,
‘Dan the good guy’
‘Dan the bad guy’
I have found myself fighting so hard to be ‘Dan the good guy’ but at times ‘Dan the bad guy’ has just been too strong, and in those moments all that’s been left is a path of devastation and destruction in it’s wake.
Now if that wasn’t bad enough already, it’s not even close to the damage it ensues on ‘Dan the good guy’
Does ‘Dan the good guy’ even exist? I ask myself, or is he just a character i’ve created to help me live a ‘normal life’
At times i’ve found myself staring in the mirror contemplating whether I am just being used by Satan as a way for him to stick 2 fingers up at god.
Fortunately I now believe in duality, and that god and satan are faces of the same being,
God = higher self
Satan = lower self
But what i’m learning is that intellect means nothing if you haven’t first filtered it through your heart.
That is exactly why my healing journey has brought me to therapy, so I can learn to remove the padlock from the cage where my heart lies, and usher it out into the space where we experience true love, but first that requires safety and a lot of courage to sit in the feelings of ‘Dan the bad guy’ and look through the bars of that cage to see Dan, just Dan, an innocent scared little boy, that feels unworthy of love and who is so desperately crying out for a protector.
I am still struggling to look him in the eyes and just see pure innocence and give him what he needs, because I still blame him for a lot of the heartache and pain I’VE caused, and have experienced in my life so far, and because I still feel like this scared little boy ‘Dan the bad guy’ is constantly trying to goad me.
My journey is now about looking past his outbursts, and trying to understand that he is just a child, and underneath the tantrums is a boy just asking to be loved, and until I learn to love him he will always feel separate to me.
I am learning to invite him back in and promise him that I will never abandon him ever again.
I love you Dan,
I am always here for you even if at times it feels like I have abandoned you again,
I will always love you,
Forever your protector,
P.s. My best friend inviting me in to paradise with her.
Now obviously this depends on whose asking the question, and whose answering the question…
If you use the law as your moral compass then I’d just remind you that slavery was legal less than 150 years ago.
And under British law rape can only be committed by a man,
Yep, you read that right, a woman can NOT rape a man as the definition of rape involves a penis penetrating a vagina mouth or anus.
So I’d say if the law is your moral compass then this blog WILL trigger the fuck out of you, but hey, if you have a growth mindset you already know that our triggers are a gift, that shine a light on the areas we still have a lot of work to do,
Now I really don’t like using the good or bad narrative, which is ironic because it’s consumed my whole life, since being conditioned at a young age to believe that me playing with my cock was worthy of death and a form of self abuse,
Yeah FUCK YOU Jehovahs Witnesses and your cult,
Triggered much Dan 😉,
My poor counsellor haha!!
The reason I don’t like viewing things that way is because nothing is ever as black and white as we might find ourselves judging it to be;
You can enjoy a takeaway every now and then but every day would definitely not be ideal
You can enjoy a bottle of wine or 2 every now and then but every evening would not be ideal
You can have a day off training to relax and do nothing but every day would not be ideal
You can watch tv or play video games but spending multiple hours on the sofa every day is not ideal
I like to try and feel what the driving force behind doing the thing/s is, and then we can make a conscious decision as to whether this is what we really want to do, or if I’m doing this to try and avoid doing something else;
For instance you might find yourself using tv as a way to distract you from your negative thoughts and your lack of self love,
You might be using relationships as a way to validate you, because deep down you are so scared that others will judge you the same way you are judging yourself, which is almost always you telling yourself you’re unworthy,
You might be using drink, drugs or food to mask the emotions that you don’t want to feel, because you are so deeply unhappy and disappointed with where you currently are in your life,
The other side of the coin could be you struggle to relax and get out of ‘doing mode’ so you sitting infront of the tv doing nothing is potentially what would benefit you,
You might be avoiding a relationship because deep down you don’t feel worthy of someone loving you, and therefore a relationship could be where the next step is,
You’ve been using work and productivity for validation, and judge anyone and everyone that go outs and lets loose, therefore that’s exactly where your trigger is, and maybe going out and letting your hair down might help you take some of that pressure of yourself.
Now as humans we have a tendency to shame and judge those behaviours that we have engaged in that we are either trying to work through, or have stopped engaging in, a great example of this is someone who used to smoke quite heavily, and now hates the smell of smoke on others, because it reminds them of themselves, and they have not yet managed to work through their feelings of judgement towards themselves.
I found myself doing this a couple of years ago when I was trying to get out of the habit or the feeling of ‘I want to go and get fucked up’ and if I wrote this blog 18 months ago it would of read completely differently.
Now I hope I’ve managed to help you at the very least, be more open minded when it comes to cocaine in which case I think this brings me nicely to,
Reasons people might use cocaine;
Now obviously I’m not going to list hundreds, but I will try and list the ones that have been a big part in my coke use throughout the years, and some others that I know will resonate with some of you reading this.
Human beings have a need to fit in, and whenever we feel like were being outcast we will ‘fight’ to get back in. You could be out with your mates and everyone is doing coke and this night you don’t want to, but as the night goes on you feel like you are more and more ‘on the outside’ and finally decide that ‘i’ll just have a line’ which of course we all know is NEVER ‘just a line.’
People say that alcohol is a great drug to improve confidence ‘abit of the old dutch courage’ but cocaine absolutely destroys alcohol in a confidence cock fight, combine the 2 and now you’re fucking invincible!
Remove sexual inhibitions, if you’ve ever had sex on cocaine you’ll know exactly what I mean but basically all those ‘don’t do that, don’t say that, don’t request that, don’t don’t don’t… yeah they disappear, shame gets a royal kick in the balls (maybe that’s your thing and if it is coke is a great way to enjoy it shame free).
If you’re anything like me then you have a rebellious teenager doing whatever he can to be seen and heard inside of you (not in that way you disturbed human being). For me this has been a huge part of my life what with growing up in a such a controlling cult, anything that makes me feel even slightly constricted will have me fighting that teenager and trying to calm him down.
Now this may sound really out there… but cocaine can be used purely for enjoyment, no trying to avoid or run away or feed into some sort of psychological reprogramming, people may take coke because they enjoy it the same as someone may watch porn when they masturbate (and there is plenty of judgements aimed at porn watching, remember… triggers and all that 😉)
Now there are so many arguments that you may have right now but again I would invite you to just question every single thought you have and find the origin of said thought.
I’m definitely not saying that coke is good nor am I saying that it is bad,
Am I saying that I will never do coke again, absolutely not…
Am I saying that I want to do coke every weekend again, absolutely not…
But what I am saying is that we have full ownership over what we choose to do and instead of demonising anything try to look at what the driving force is behind it, and if you find yourself so emotionally charged about someone using cocaine remember…
that is where YOUR work is.
We cannot tell someone what they should or shouldn’t do based on an emotional bias, because we are then only acting out of a trigger and projecting that onto someone else, as a way to avoid doing the work ourselves to release attachment around that thing.
Now I’ve not really told you my opinion on cocaine but even though this is unsolicited I’ll treat you to it anyway 😉 …
I personally have a love hate relationship with it,
On one hand I absolutely love how it has enabled me to experience things that I didn’t have the confidence to experience at the time, and also it really has helped me build close friendships with a small handful of people. It also helped me through a really tough time a few years ago (sometimes we use substances/things etc because we feel like we don’t have anything else at our disposal and therefore at the time it actually serves us)
On the other hand it has caused me to act in ways that I’m definitely not proud of and I have caused a lot of hurt in the past due to me being intoxicated on cocaine.
My personal opinion on it right now as I sit here this very second is, it can be a great addition to a social setting as long as the user is in control and NOT the substance in control of the user, but I would say it takes a fair bit of work to get to that point and definitely a great deal of awareness to be able to use it so consciously.
I think if I was trying to help someone understand why someone they love is using it I would first of all advise them to open up a space of compassion and understanding and communicate in a way that is NON judgemental and critical, but purely as a way to break down any walls in your communication with the intention of learning more about your partner, because as soon as you come at it as I WANT YOU/MY PARTNER TO STOP DOING COKE BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL X,Y,Z and as a way for you to take a self righteous stance then I promise you, you will lose in all senses.
If you got with your partner doing something then do NOT try to mould them into what you think is the best version of them, by telling them that you want them to stop, that is NOT loving them for who they are that is loving them for who you think they have the potential of being.
We often dress this form of love up as ‘i’m doing it for their best interests’ but I would challenge that and say that you are doing it because you are not able to set and hold boundaries, and the fear of being alone is actually far greater which means that it’s easier for you to try and control who your partner is, while having zero consequences for the things that you actually don’t want in a relationship, which as we all know is where resentment rears it’s ugly head.
ALWAYS try and use your partner as a mirror for your own ‘stuff’ before you go straight into ‘I need to defend myself’ and as fucking hard as it is, this is the ultimate form of self love, because whatever that trigger is in the moment, it’s asking you to see it and love it NOT project it (avoid it).
I hope if anything this has triggered you, and you are now questioning that trigger, and allowing yourself to sit with it instead of being overpowered by your ego, that is telling you ‘your beliefs are fact, and this is a direct attack to them’ resulting in fight or flight.
Gift yourself the time, the energy, the compassion to see the ways in which you have reacted towards things in the past as you doing your best and as soon as you know better you do better 😊.
I do know how to get you out of that dark place of pain and loneliness so you can begin to open up your heart and no longer live in fear.
I have always struggled with the idea of someone telling me what I should or shouldn’t do and spent my late teens and early 20’s hopping from job to job because I thought that’s what I should do.
I needed to earn money and I didn’t really pay any attention to what the vehicle was to earn that money.
This didn’t work out for me, and as soon as I felt like I wasn’t being treated as a human being, I either walked out, squared up to the boss (yes I was a young man who lacked communication skills) or got the sack.
Something had to change!
I began dreaming about the life I could have if I wasn’t afraid of going after it…
It took me a while to recognise that we’re all afraid but the ones that create the life and relationships they truly desire are the ones that don’t let the fear consume and control them.
“When the student is ready the teacher/lesson/sign will appear…”
One day I was called to pick up the local paper…Flicking through it my eyes were drawn to our local council advertising an apprenticeship for a fitness instructor.
Now at 22 the thought of leaving a job that was paying me £1100 a month (plenty of beer tokens while I was living at home) for an apprenticeship where I’d be earning £400 a month was something that wasn’t really enticing me in.
I realised that this was just my fear and if I wanted that life I dream of I’d have to face it head on,
Sometimes you have to go back a few steps to really be able to make huge strides forward.
I applied, as did over 100 others.
2 of us were offered the apprenticeship!
This was a huge confidence boost for me and was the beginning of ‘I feel the fear but i’m going to do it anyway’ mindset that I have created.
Fast forward to my late 20’s when I found myself at rock bottom, sleeping on a little leather sofa in my personal training studio fully clothed because of the -8 degrees temperature outside, and in £7k worth of debt again I had that wake up call…
Something has to change!
Once I began taking responsibility, feeling the fear and moving forward anyway, I began taking back control.
I focused on self ownership and really began looking into where am I holding myself back.
Why am I in this situation and what can I do to move forward?
I had to start slow because I was struggling to get from one day to the next, so instead of bottling everything up I started to speak,
I started this blog,
I was having conversations with people close to me and I fell in love with the ‘world’ of self love.
I recognised my whole life has been a result of the fact that I haven’t truly loved myself, now the caveat to this is I don’t believe we will ever love ourselves unconditionally, it’s not a destination but a practice.
This led me to one of the most profound realisations that I have ever had…
‘I can choose to love myself in every single moment!’
I started looking at my life objectively,
How I was choosing to fill my days,
The interactions I was having,
The behaviours I was engaging in,
I began having so many lightbulb moments as to why relationships broke down, I got into debt and felt so unfulfilled, and was suffering with this deep sense of loneliness.
Self love is like your bank account,
Each time you choose to do something that is in alignment with you loving yourself, you deposit a token,
Each time you do something that is out of alignment with you loving yourself, you spend a token.
Once you get low on tokens, you have to start focusing on depositing more than you’re withdrawing because unfortunately this bank account doesn’t come with an overdraft,
You can NOT go into minus!
If your bank account is in a healthy place every day, you can invest in those closest to you, if it’s getting close to 0 you have very little to be able help others.
I began depositing tokens,
I began focusing on exercise,
I began filling my mind with positivity,
I began reading again,
I began investing in time on my own,
I stopped spending as many tokens and this enabled me to focus on what I wanted for my life instead of what I didn’t want (my current reality).
I learned to feel the fear, forgive myself, and make self love a daily practice.
6 months ago I began rebranding my business, feeling the fear but trusting myself anyway.
I knew the passion, the insights, the work I’ve done on myself is so powerful that I would be not only doing myself a disservice by not stepping into my purpose, but I would also be turning my back on all of those men that need the support that I needed a few years ago!
If right now you are feeling like no one sees you, Like no one ever asks you how you really are and if they do, you don’t truly believe you can open up to them fully without judgement,
Then my 28 Day Mens Initiation is a great place to start.
This is where we prioritise you feeling confident in your body so you can begin to like who you see in the mirror.
If you’d like to find out more info just drop a comment below and i’ll get back to you with more details.
A lesson that I’ve learnt the hard way and is something that me and Charis speak about a lot, is the importance of sexual intimacy in our relationship.
It’s so easy to get caught up in life and forget to invest daily into our relationship, and that very reason is exactly why in the past, a relationship I was in, ended up being more so as a best friend and not a girlfriend and sexual partner.
It’s only upon reflection we can really see where we went wrong.
You know that honeymoon period that everyone says goes…
I truly believe it doesn’t have to, and can transcend into something far greater where you become lovers, best friends and life partners,
But there is an IF…
Initially my main reasons for investing in my relationship were through fear that I would lose that ‘I JUST WANT TO FUCK YOU’ feeling, especially after I’d been there before and had really hurt someone I loved, because I didn’t have the awareness or the tools to cultivate the type of relationship I wanted, and coupled with the lack of courage to communicate my deepest desires, this led me to take the ‘easy’ otherwise known as the cowards way out…
Now my reasons for investing in my relationship are different, I know what type of relationship I want, and I have a duty to Charis to always try my best to communicate and stick to my commitment that we both made when deciding we wanted to create a relationship together.
I’ve learnt that 2 people (speaking about monogamous relationships as I haven’t experienced polyamory or open) that like eachother and choose to be in a relationship, just isn’t enough for a relationship to flourish, It takes constant communication, challenges, fear, love and everything in between to build the relationship you truly want.
As soon as I stop investing in my relationship and become lazy and complacent, my relationship will suffer (I know shock horror), so in order for me to have the type of relationship where I look at Charis and want to have passionate sex (or a quickie, or anything else sexually) with her, I HAVE to put the work in!
I want someone I can share my fears with (this starts with me owning them first),
I want someone I can break down infront of (this is what i’m currently working on through counselling as I struggle to connect with my own emotions and express them),
I want someone I can do nothing with (everyone loves a ‘snacks and film’ night),
BUT…I also want someone I can enjoy sexually,
And THAT comes down to how willing I am to invest in myself and my own healing (we’ve all got layers we need to peel back and learn to love).
A question I would ask yourself if you crave more intimacy with your partner is…
‘where am I not showing up for myself, where am I not showing up in my relationship, where am I NOT putting effort in and what can I do right NOW to start reinvesting?
As a man we have an immense amount of pressure to have our shit together 24/7 and this has led us to believe that any time we are struggling with something we have to do whatever we can to look like everything is fine.
We don’t talk to our mates about our struggles, fears and insecurities,
We don’t talk to our partners about our struggles, fears and insecurities,
And we definitely don’t talk to our parents about our struggles, fears and insecurities.
We hold all of this in because we don’t want anyone to see that we are actually human, and being human means that at times we struggle, and at times we need help, but that goes against everything we’ve been indoctrinated to believe that men just get on with it.
In other words, if we stop being a robot, and start being real, then people will see us as a weak unsuccessful man.
I’ve spent 33 years struggling to be human, and any time that I’ve felt like I could do with some help, i either dig my heels in even more and get defensive when people offer me help,
or tell myself I’m a failure and spiral down into a pit of drink and drugs to escape that story I’m telling myself.
What I’m actually learning is that being a man is not based on being an emotionless robot 🤖, in fact it’s the complete opposite!
Being a man is having the courage to be real and own your struggles, put your hand up and ask for help and support others on your way up.
I used to tell myself that ‘real men’ don’t need help,
‘Real men’ don’t struggle with their emotions (Thankyou to the amazing term ‘man up’),
‘Real men’ have loads of money and fuck like pornstars (Thankyou to the over sexualised music world),
‘Real men’ swoop in and save women (Thankyou Disney),
I think at every single point in my life I’ve held a belief about what it is to be a man and that ideology is always outside of myself, instead of really connecting to my own masculinity.
I am a kind, caring man who does what he can to help others.
I am also a man that struggles at times and has fucked up and hurt people he loves.
Each year that goes by I know myself a little more, and instead of judge myself for my past shortcomings I am learning to love all of me,
I am learning to love,
32 year old Dan that so wanted to be seen by his girlfriend in a moment of real vulnerability the he ended up hurting her deeply.
28/29 year old Dan that got accused of attempted rape and spiralled down into drink and drugs and as a result left him homeless.
Mid 20 year old Dan that cheated on his fiancée and broke her heart because he was so scared of real intimacy and harboured a lot of shame around sexuality.
Teenage Dan that spent so much of his time trying to be more ‘you’ and less ‘me’ because he just wanted to be liked.
10/11 year old Dan that was told that what he done was wrong and displeasing to God and he needs to be sorry (otherwise God wouldn’t love him).
When I sit back and reflect right now, I just see a boy/man that was trying to be what he thought everyone wanted him to be, or a version of him that he thought would be more worthy of love.
I’ve done a lot of questionable things in my time and they have all been as a result of parts of myself that I’m struggling to love and have been trying to hide.
I just want you to know that you can keep running and using;
Being a doting father
To avoid those feelings of unworthiness, but I guarantee you, until you stop and actually start looking at it all, and learning to love it all, you will always feel lonely and unfulfilled, because it’s ALL YOU, and you are begging and pleading with YOU to love YOU.
Loneliness isn’t you not having someone externally who understands you and loves you,
Loneliness is YOU not understanding you and REFUSING to love you.
Maybe now is not your time and you’re not quite ready yet but when the time comes and you really feel the pull, use your strength to just surrender and give up running and get the help and support you need and deserve 🙏🏼❤️.
Men I see you and I’m here for you,
Much love 🙏🏼❤️
P.s. ego = ‘what judgements will I get as a result of this photo, it’s not safe to post this, you’re naked on the beach’
My higher self = Dan you’ve just wrote about vulnerability and judgements why are you now projecting you own self judgement?!
So ironic that for the last minute or 2 I’ve been trying to hit the question mark at the end of the title of this and it appears that key is technically speaking FUCKED! Maybe that is trying to show me just how little unconditional love I actually have access to 😉!
So growing up as a Jehovah’s Witness and trying to live in a system that tells you time and time again, that in order for Jehovah to want you in the paradise and to survive Armageddon, you need to be this and do that and think these thoughts and look this way and and and and, conditions conditions conditions.
Now as a young boy the thought of being murdered by god if I didn’t follow these rules was not exactly a fate that I wanted to imagine for my life.
So this led me down the path of ‘I’m a good little boy’ and even at the ripe old age of 12 gave me this sense of righteousness where I felt better than others because I knew the TRUTH, that’s actually what that cult call their religion ‘the truth’.
Now you can obviously tell that I still have some ‘stuff’ to heal around my time as a Jehovah Witness but I wanted to use that religion as an initial reference point for my confusion around love.
I actually recently asked a Jehovah’s Witness why if Jehovah was such a loving god, does he demand that we worship him unconditionally, but yet he only loves us conditionally.
His response was ‘well of course love is conditional’ and that was where that topic abruptly ended.
Now I’m going to leave that religion there for now and move on to every day life as a human being.
I want to start off by inviting you to turn that phrase around…
Human being = being human.
As we are just being (or playing) as a human we are NOT human WE (or I) is something playing a role of a human, meaning that we are NOT our physical body but the awareness or consciousness behind, or at play, just having a human experience.
Now this is what I really want to get into.
All the ways in which we identify as a human, and every role we embody, and how this closes us off to unconditional love.
This is something that Ram Dass goes into a lot and has really enabled me to question and really build an awareness around my intentions.
To simplify it I want you to think about every interaction you have recently had, and how you have either put them on a different level to yourself, or you have held a subtle (or not so subtle) feeling of superiority over them.
Now this can materialise in various ways but again to simplify think about how you have tried to influence them in some way to think that you are different or better than them,
You’re right and they are wrong.
Now I have to be very aware of these thoughts and identifying with my ego, especially around my feelings regarding that religion, because what I am creating in my head (the stories and beliefs about that religion) are also another way that my ego is able to give me a sense of superiority, and anything that ‘others’ us from eachother is another way that we are proving that we do NOT love them (effectively you, I, us) unconditionally.
This is an elite level practise (be careful because that statement is also a trap 😉) that Jesus, buddha, Mohammed etc were here to teach us,
“Love your neighbour as yourself”
But in practise it’s not so easy.
Could you love someone that cheated on you…
Could you love someone that killed your pet…
Could you love someone that spoke a lot of shit about you…
Could you love someone that really hurt you but wasn’t sorry…
Those are hard right!
Now wait until you think about this level…
Could you love someone who physically hurt your mum…
Could you love someone who murdered your dad…
Could you love someone who sexually abused you…
We can go even further…
Could you love someone who tortured you…
Could you love hitler…
Could you love Bill Gates (fun)…
Now think about every single feeling, thought, and story you use to justify why they don’t deserve your love…
Now what spirituality effectively is, is a practise of BEING unconditional love, and just loving everyone because you see the soul (your soul) inside them, regardless of whatever role they are physically playing right now in this human experience.
Now that does NOT mean that you love their behaviour or actions!
But instead you love them because you ARE love, and every single time you turn your love on and off, and only choose to love this trait, or that trait, you are immediately identifying with your ego or your humanness and therefore are trapped in this perpetual cycle of ‘woe is me’ ‘if only they were more like me’ etc etc.
I think (ego) we (I) have to be very careful with our intentions behind everything we say, do and are because as soon as we create disconnection between you and them (us) you then fall into a very self-centred journey, which will NEVER allow you to experience unconditional love and really that’s what life is, LOVE.
Now of course the humanness in us has a lot of ‘imperfections’ and in my opinion the greatest one is the fear of death, because when you fear death, you ARE your ego, and you fully identify with all your aches, pains, struggles, medical conditions etc and as soon as you limit yourself, you have also trapped everyone else in the prison of your mind because your fear will also try to control the lives of those around you.
Death really is a dropping of the physical form, you may of heard people refer to it as the body as our meat suit.
Our body dies but WE do not.
Now again this does not mean you can’t or shouldn’t grieve other humans passing in your life, because as a human being, grief is part of the human experience and just something that we get to love as well, you can’t have life without death, think of the food we eat, whether it’s a plant or an animal the death of that gives us life.
Now I am by no means saying that this is easy or that I have achieved any of it, and I am really trying to write this without any thoughts of ‘I hope someone likes this’ because my intention behind writing this is that I miss writing, and writing is something that I have always loved, but recently I have viewed it as something I need to do with a specific intention behind it outside of just pure enjoyment.
Over the last few years I have really began looking at things very philosophically and I always come back to my own struggles with unconditional love and identifying with my ego.
Now this can also be a trap because if I begin identifying as someone that tries not to identify with my ego then that’s still me potentially using that as a way to other myself again.
My practise right now is around my intention and if what I’m doing is purely for love or to make me feel MORE than or BETTER THAN instead of just being of service and helping.
Ram Dass calls this ‘being the help and NOT identifying as the helper’ and I think about whenever I see videos of a homeless person having a camera shoved in their face when someone buys them a sandwich.
These are just some thoughts for today with no real structure, no expectation or needs for it to be or do anything other than sit ‘there’ this is really just me emptying my mind and doing something I enjoy.
In my opinion the question (that wasn’t a question because that key on my keyboard is broke) Can you accept unconditional love is really defined by how much can you love unconditionally and each time you think you love unconditionally just ask yourself how much you love your ‘enemy’