Were all prone to view things through a negative self-fulfilling prophecy lens.
Cogito ergo sum – I think therefore I am.
Now I’m not going to try and ‘go all physician’ on you,
Because I’m not a physician
2. Because there is not enough research conducted on it.
So today I’m going to invite you to go inside, as we can’t go outside and get really curious about your own relational experiences and fears of rejection.
Dating – you might be a serial swiper or more of a POF kinda guy/gal but whatever form of online dating you use I would hazard a guess and say that it eases the ‘pain/fear of rejection’ partly because you have so many other choices but also because you’re not actually having to down a tequila and walk over to said lucky guy/gal and ask to be kicked in the proverbials resulting in the painful walk of shame back to your friends.
In my opinion our lack of dutch courage needed to enter a genuine face to face situation that has the ability to spark up a real conversation with a human being instead of a smartphone screen is taking us away from at its core, personal growth. You might be getting a lot more rejection via a swipe the wrong way but in comparison to a swipe in far greater magnitude of a real life situation you are definitely drawing the long straw.
First 12 months of a relationship – This is the part of the relationship where you are still getting to know your partner and learning who they are and what makes them tick. (obviously you’ve spent some time before getting into this relationship so you can form an educated decision as to whether or not they are worthy 😉) This is also the most vulnerable stage of a relationship, you don’t have any real certainty, you have very little security and this is the minds kryptonite as human beings love certainty, and this first year you will be watching what your partner says and does to decide whether you are safe to remove a layer of armour and let them in, or not.
The caveat to this is if you are not continuing your own personal development such as making your health a priority, keeping up with your own hobbies (to preserve self identity) and making sure you are always curious in regards to your own feelings/triggers etc then your perception of things will get blurred.
Lets say you are currently not feeling particularly good in your own skin, you then notice your partner has liked a couple of pictures on social media and you instantly attach a story of ‘my partner doesn’t fancy me anymore’ to those likes.
Now I hope that as you read this you are confident in your body, but if you’re not then ask yourself the question IS THIS STORY I’VE CREATED AROUND THOSE ‘LIKES’ FACT OR NOT? And then try to take as much responsibility as you possibly can right now for how you currently feel.
^^^ That can be hard because in the moment we want to project how we feel onto our partner and start throwing around blame, but always TRY your best to look inside first and take as much responsibility before you open your mouth.
12+ months into a relationship – You have a sense of security now and if you’ve made it this far then your partner should be your ‘safe place’ but with that being said this can also be the time when if you haven’t watered your ‘relationship garden’ (every part of me wanted to write YOUR LADY GARDEN but you’re not as childish and perverted as me) then your partner could begin to think about how green their neighbours grass is. It’s in these stages of the relationship that rejection could be far more catastrophic, not only do you feel more secure in your relationship but you’ve also began building a life and identity around your relationship. You might be living together, you might have kids together you might even be married if that’s something you believe in (*sidenote I wholeheartedly believe in marriage for the right reasons but that’s another story for another time), so if you start to feel a sense of rejection and you’ve been doing your own work and working on your relationship then this could be for something that is completely out of your control and possibly due to your partner not doing their own work and putting equal amounts of effort into growing the relationship.
The truth is no matter how much time and effort you invest in yourself and your relationship things can still not go the way you want them to or have even planned them to.
Every single one of us are walking this earth as a work in progress and carry our own unhealed traumas and with that being said I’d urge you to always look in the mirror when you feel a sense of rejection instead of making your pain and hurt from a perceived rejection someone else’s problem.
Think about what you can do to grow and step more into your best self, think about how you can be more loving to your perceived rejecter, think about the person you want to be and think how that person would respond/communicate.
Ultimately as hard and as painful rejection is, there are so many variables that come in to play and when you get that intense feeling of rejection and you start questioning your self worth try to take a deep breath and think about what this feeling is teaching you.
Somewhere buried deep inside you is a lesson that is trying to come out, but first you have to be willing to ask yourself the questions that elicit the most uncomfortable feelings and continue to keep leaning into them.
What comes to mind as soon as you hear the word sexuality…?
Is it the differentiation between gay, straight, bisexual and everything inbetween?
Well my proverbial scholar lets take a trek into the murky waters where shame and sexuality lie, but tread carefully, you could quite easily be eaten up by the green eyed judgemental monster.
Lets start with good old wikipedia…
Their definition of the word sexuality is,
The way people experience and express themselves sexually. This involves biological, erotic, physical, or spiritual feelings and behaviours.
So in short it can be described as everything you are, from not only an ego standpoint, but also a human genetic standpoint.
Basically sexuality is such a broad term that it is more of a blanket word that covers so many different aspects, and I want to specifically break down certain parts of sexuality that I have experienced, and areas that I am hugely passionate about.
Now shame is something that we all have internalised at one point or more in our lives, and I am no different.
From a very early age I was brought up as a Jehovahs Witness, There are a lot of positive loving lessons i’ve learnt that have been due to this part of my childhood and I am by no means bashing this religion, but I would like to just share some of my feelings surrounding shame around masturbation and why growing up I struggled.
For the majority of my life I have always felt like a child whose parents told him to ‘stop touching your willy’ it felt like I was disgusting, seedy and later on in life weird and obsessed.
One of my earliest memories was when I was in middle school so I must of been maybe 11, and one of the kids in my class who was openly interested in boys used to sit next to me in my music class.
I can’t remember exactly how the conversation started but it was something along the lines of ‘do you wank?’
This was about the age that the surge of testosterone was now beginning to flood my body.
Of course I felt embarrassed and told him no.
He said to me ‘you can come round mine after school and I can show you how to?!’
Due to fear, shame and embarrassment I never took him up on the offer.
1 thing that sticks out in my mind about that conversation though was just how accepting of himself he was at such an early age.
I have a few other of these ‘experiences’ that go further than just a few embarrassing words but ironically writing a blog about shame is bringing up feelings around shame…
Don’t you worry though, I have made a promise to myself to ‘bare all’ over the course of the next 12 months.
Shame can be so crippling because its not only our own feelings of humiliation, but it’s even more so our fear of becoming an outcast.
Masturbation made me feel like I was doing something naughty, and one to two seconds after that moment of ejaculation, I was flooded with all these thoughts of i’m bad, I shouldn’t of done that, why do I keep doing this? why can’t I stop? am I normal? The only tool I had in my toolbox to deal with all these feelings was to internalise them and stuff them so far down in the hope that they never came up again.
Of course they come up again, that’s what unhealed trauma does, it’s there to protect us from a perceived danger.
That danger for me, was that I wouldn’t be loved and I would not only hurt and upset Jehovah but i’d bring shame and disappointment to my mum (my dad wasn’t a jehovahs witness) which as a young lad was something that terrified me.
As I went through my teenage years I closed myself off to any sexual experience I could of engaged in and instead chose to continue being the little boy who shut himself away.
Many religions see masturbation as a sin, Jehovahs witnesses see masturbation as an unlcean mentally and emotionally defiling serious sin of fornication, now imagine what that conditioning can do to a pre-pubescent child.
Shame can show up anywhere and as we continue to trudge on I want to take a look at society as a global collective and how we as sexual human beings are shamed for our sexuality.
The rise of personal explicit sexual content platforms such as onlyfans. If you haven’t heard of it, it’s basically a monthly subscription service where individuals or couples upload content (photos or videos) and put them out to the public for a low cost price ranging between £5-£10 a month.
I recently saw a post on my social media newsfeed where a girl (no judgement towards her on my part here) had stated her views about this particular platform, and how degrading and disgusting this type of thing is and girls who choose to do this need to learn a little self respect.
There were a lot of comments with the same views as this girl, but as I scrolled further down the comments, I read far too many from young lads saying that these girls are slags, and plenty of other words their mother would wash their mouths out for uttering.
The irony in this is the fact that these lads, i’m pretty certain choose, and enjoy watching porn probably on a daily basis, and are more than happy to make use of the free wanking material available online,
BUT… as soon as a girl wants to make money from it, then they need to be shunned and ridiculed, hmm…
Now I wonder how many of them girls who were commenting derogatory things on that post are the same girls that HATE the gender inequality when it comes to sex inparticular,
Girls are slags if they sleep about yet men are studs and deserve a high five.
Truth is those people that took the moral high ground, and decided to look down their noses, have also got some form of unhealed trauma that is triggered by people that fully embrace their sexuality, which is definitely something that is a humanitarian crisis that only further disconnects us from eachother.
Now lets say you like the thought of setting up one of these platforms, or lets say you choose to fulfil your desires through things such as underground sex dungeons or swinging clubs, however out there or vanilla they are, would you be ashamed if your boss/clients found out?
You know the whole notion of ‘I wouldn’t get a tattoo there think about how employers would view it’ again this is just another opportunity for you to stuff that sexuality so far down that you to can join teenage me in becoming the dirty little child hiding yourself in your bedroom.
As were etching closer to the promise land where we can all live in harmonious nakedness, a place where body shaming no longer exists and love and sex are part of our every day life where we roll around in the endless fields of beautiful flowers…
Wait, sorry that was the 60’s or what i’ve been accustomed to believe, oh how I wish I could of experienced that decade.
Now this might possibly be the most feared grim reaperesque of all…
Embracing and owning our sexuality in the face of our family and partner.
Now why is this a piece of the puzzle that no matter what way you try to turn it just doesn’t seem to fit.
From a very early age we have learnt what things we need to do, or be, to get attention/approval, but more importantly love (or our perception of what us getting their love looks like)
It could be achieving a good grade at school,
It could be doing well at sports day,
It could be getting into your parents preferred university,
Or it could be as little as something like sleeping well through the night regularly,
No matter what it is we have learnt that certain actions, achievements or successes gain us positive reinforcements.
Now this inherently makes every single one of us a people pleaser to varying extents.
This positive reinforcement continues through to your adult life with job or career roles, positive intimate relationships, and moving in to your first house.
Now what if you have done and become everything you feel you should and the rewards from family in the form of approval and love have been precedent, but you suddenly have the realisation that you are actually living someone elses life, and not the life you have chosen for yourself…
you begin to fantasise about possibilities of a new life, a life that lights you up and turns you on, a life that doesn’t see you go to uni but instead sees you owning your own business, a life that doesn’t see you in a ‘secure marriage’ but instead sees you enjoying exploring your sexual desires with multiple consensual partners, a life that doesn’t see you in a nice home with a garage and financed car but instead sees you travelling the world living life on your terms…
How do you unbecome the person you have shown your family you are, and become the person you actually want to be without the fear of losing their approval and love?!
Now what about (this was something that I suffered with and caused a lot of hurt because of) you don’t give yourself permission to embrace your sexual curiosity, and you have allowed fear and shame to consume you and you’re now in a relationship thinking to yourself ‘I have never experienced this, I have never given myself the opportunity to see if I like that’ and as each day passes you become more and more engulfed with this feeling of curiosity, shame, guilt and fear.
You don’t want to hurt your partner because you love them, you even wish that you didn’t have these fantasies and desires because now you’re having thoughts of infidelity, these toxic thoughts are only heightening the feelings of fear thinking of your life without your partner that you have created together.
Now i’m not here to judge you could say it would be a case of the pot calling the kettle black but I prefer to look at it like this…
I have invested the last 3 years deep diving into the areas where I hold the most fear and shame around…
I have slayed many dragons but I have also got badly burnt in the meantime.
I have had judgement from ‘friends’
I have had judgement from family,
and I have even had judgement from people that don’t even know me, but what i’ve also had is an amazing relationship come to fruition, a couple of very close friendships become even closer but more importantly I have dropped so much emotional baggage i’ve been carrying round and can categorically state that my life, confidence and sex life have improved more than I could of imagined.
I’m not hear to tell you it’s all going to be rainbows and unicorns in fact quite the opposite BUT the reward far outweighs any judgement you may endure.
What i’ve learnt is shame is actually fear of loss, we fear losing those people that are close to us all the while are more than comfortable with losing ourselves, now that is lifes biggest paradox.
If your religion has you carrying so much shame is it a religion that serves you?
If your job, social circles or community shun you for embracing your sexuality then are the cons outweighing the pros?
If your family judge you for removing the mask and showing up as your true self then do you want to allow them to control anymore of your life?
If your mariage/relationship isn’t open to growth and freedom to become the best version of yourself then is it the right one for you?
There are many different options available but my advice to you is DO NOT allow your true self to hide in the shadows any longer.
If you want to gain more insights in to how you can start embracing your sexuality more, I highly recommend one of my favourite podcasts which is True sex and wild love created by Whitney Miller and Wednesday Martin who are doing amazing things regarding sexuality and relationships.
The dust has settled and the reality of the last 12 months of struggle has been a topic of discussion for the little people that live in my head.
As I sit here in my new fixed abode, my princess castle as I prefer to call it, I am flooded with feelings of gratitude,
To go from having nothing (my own perception of having nothing back then) to now have everything falling in to place for me just cements the fact that everything happens in our lives for us, and always gives us an amazing opportunity to learn.
I’ve learnt so much over the last 12 months and I just like to share with you 3 of my toughest moments that i’m genuinely so grateful I went through;
I was in a really vicious cycle of getting off my head (alcohol and cocaine fuelled) and driving back to the gym early hours of the morning. Well this one night I was incredibly intoxicated even by my standards and I left the club, obviously have no recollection of this got into my car and drove back to my gym/home. I woke up the next morning about 9am fully clothed in the back of my car. It took me a few seconds to realise where the hell I was and then I began drowning in feelings of guilt, shame and fear! When you’re in such a dark place you don’t give a fuck about anything and this is where the danger lies. The rest of the day I spent beating myself up (rightly so) but desperately wanting help, unfortunately my pride and ego were still controlling me as I was struggling with my own issues of self worth so I refused to ask for help.
This one taught me the biggest yet hardest lesson over the last 12 months and is the one i’m the most grateful for. I used to go to my dads one evening a week for dinner which I really enjoyed, not only was it a chance to have a nice home cooked meal each week but also because I knew I was walking in to my dads home who loves me unconditionally, something I was struggling to do for my self at the time! Around Christmas and new year time the temperature was as low as -8 and my clients will know that the gym was even colder inside than it was outside. One evening I wasn’t feeling particularly great, i’d had a shit nights sleep the night before and my stomach had been playing up all day leaving me feeling drained and frustrated. Dad had cooked a really nice dinner and after we decided to put a film on. About an hour in to the film dad had fell asleep on the sofa and as it was nearing 22:00 I decided to go ‘home’. I got up off the sofa walked to the front door and put my trainers on, just as I walked out the front door I looked back at my dad asleep on the sofa and within seconds I had tears coming down my face, I just wanted dad to say to me don’t go back to the gym it’s freezing cold, put his arm round me and say you can have the spare room for as long as you need it. I shut the door and got in to my car. When I got back to the gym I walked upstairs and laid out my bed (leather sofa with a blanket to sleep on and another blanket to cover myself with. It was so cold I couldn’t get undressed so I laid on ‘my bed’ fully clothed with my hoody, trainers and coat on. On reflection this was my lowest point not just because I could see every breath I exhaled but because I felt so ashamed for getting myself in to this position.
After another cocaine and alcohol fuelled evening I made one of my most shameful mistakes i’ve ever made! This was the one that gave me the kick in the balls to really get my shit together! It’s so shameful that I can’t even go into detail about it but lets just say my words really hurt some people very close to me. I woke up the next morning devastated with myself for the things i’d said but it was then that the real work began and this opportunity to turn things around was not going to be snatched from me again by my pride and ego!
Now I’ve gave you the facts (or as many as I can possibly give you) I want to now explain to you why I am feeling so grateful and what each of these 3 experiences taught me.
Even when we are in a really dark place, our self sabotaging self absorbed narcissistic behaviours can still cause potentially fatal consequences and we still have to take full responsibility and own our fuckups.
No one, not your parents, your friends or your partner/s owe you anything and just because we put certain expectations on others it does not mean they are obligated to fulfil them.
True love is unconditional! It has no conditions!
We are all victims of circumstance but that does NOT take away our responsibility for the actions we choose to take.
I went from being in a really shit place, to finally making the tough decision for myself to close my studio and get a job, and maybe P.t a bit on the side, but since then a whole load of doors have opened for me, and now I can truly believe that life happens for us NOT to us. things that happen in our lives are always there to teach us something so that we can get back on to our true path.
If you can see the lesson in everything ‘good’ or ‘bad’ then you will be able to see the blessing!
I’ve recently come to the realisation that a part of me is and has always been addicted to suffering, everything i’ve chose in my life has been the hard way, which is why I struggle with mediocrity. I never truly believed I can have the life of my dreams, so instead of falling in to the trap of an average life, I opted for the other extreme which is suffering, because that is something I knew I could do.
I don’t want to bore you with the psychoanalysis of my mind but what I do want to get you thinking about is a very important question I now regularly ask myself…
What is this teaching me?
If I hadn’t of stepped out my comfort zone and applied for that apprenticeship 10 years ago, I never would of experienced the amazing highs and lows in the forms I have (I still would of ended up on the same path but the route would of been different) and had the opportunity to meet the amazing teachers (all the people) that have come in and out of my life, and as I sit here at my desk in my bedroom that I love, I can hand on heart say I am mentally in the best place i’ve ever been. to have complete self belief, and confidence in who you are, is the most powerful state to be in, and if you’re currently going through something that you feel you can’t get through, just remember…
You’ve made it this far and you have the strength to keep going! Once you make it through the other side, you will feel so grateful that you went through it in the first place!
I may still be addicted to suffering, but that addiction is now what fuels me, because coupled with self belief and a vision I know wherever it takes me is exactly where i’m supposed to be!
Very few of us ever become a master of anything, because to master something, you have to be so dedicated that you will do whatever it takes to get to the top of ‘your game,’ and for most, this level of commitment is seen as selfish,
I want to impose on you an alternative, a paradox if you will, where your mind will begin questioning whether or not you are indeed, a master of manipulation.
Now I don’t want to use the kind of terminology you’d hear from a hugely respected athlete that has come to the end of their career, and whose life’s mission is now to inspire and influence others to achieve greatness,
But instead, authored by a 31 year old man sat infront of his laptop, in a vest and a scruffy pair of ‘lounging shorts’ whose life’s mission is to provoke thought, and inspire change, so you can visualise and experience an amazingly fulfilling life outside of societies little cage.
Well put on your big gender neutral pants and follow me in to the fray…
Tread carefully my little apprentice for the ground is treacherous as we embark on our first mission…
Apprentice level 1: Do I look fat in this?
You’ve got a meal out planned with a few friends and their partners and as always the painstaking process of ‘operation queen’ begins hours before you’re due to go out.
a couple of hours later, you fearfully walk towards the flight of stairs as you try to pluck up the courage to make the climb…
The sound of ‘it’s raining men’ bellows into your ears as you are met with the intense smell of perfume, sweat and tears,
Every fibre of your being is telling you to retreat back to the sofa as you are hit with the apocalyptic feeling of deja vu, but for the greater good you trundle on.
You walk into The Lovemaking Quarters, where you are faced with a beautiful lady fighting with an equally beautiful garment, just as you were about to intervene the battle is won, and your beautiful lady turns around and utters the most earth-shatteringly feared words of all…
‘Do I look fat in this?’
You take a huge gulp and swallow back down your pounding heart as you wipe the sweat from your brow.
Although you think it’s not the most flattering how can you let her know this without her taking it personally and refusing to go out?
‘No, you look lovely’ as the weight of the world has just removed itself from your shoulders.
>>> LEVEL 1 COMPLETE <<<
That was a close call but don’t get complacent now that was just the beginning.
Putting on your mask: level 2
This is probably the most important of all, to hide your true identity,
Let the lesson begin!
You lift your left foot up, and just before you can put it infront of your right foot, you are immediately transported back in time to when you first met your partner.
You’ve got a jd and coke in your hand and vision impairment goggles over your eyes.
You see a stunning girl over at the bar ordering her drink, and in your drunken courageous state you decide to do the peacock walk over to her, puffing your chest out in the hope you can bag a date, or at the very least a phone number.
Obviously this is the stereotypical ‘good looking girls end up with dickheads’ because through your egotistical ‘trying to be alpha’ persona, you managed to persuade her to go on a date with you.
You wake up the next day with a mouth as dry as *insert a filthy metaphor and the sense of conflict bigger than the battle of Winterfell…
Do you show up as the deep thinking, polite emotional man that you are, or do you show up as the alpha, egotistical man that got you the date in the first place?
*Sidenote, think about every area of your life where you have to interact with people,
You hear the words of your master in your ears ‘this is probably the most important of all, to hide your true identity’
Before you have time to ponder anymore, you are catapulted into the exact moment before you walk out the door to go on your date…
I MUST NOT appear as my true vulnerable self, and with that thought you put on your mask, and walk out your front door.
>>> LEVEL 2 COMPLETE <<<
Awesome work soldier, now this next phase will grant you Master status!
Are you ready to become the Master Manipulator whose ninja like in stealth never truly being seen or heard?
Society conformity: Level 3
Suit up partner, this is where it could all come crashing down and you could giveaway your true identity.
You’ve been in a relationship for *insert how long, and you are happy, content and excited to continue creating a future together, but recently your sex life has become vanilla and routined at best, that’s when you are actually fortunate enough to have sex.
You’ve been watching more and more porn in private, and often find yourself fantasising about other people.
The last few weeks have had you scouring the internet for alternatives, as you DO NOT want to go behind your partners back and cheat on them.
You soon find blogs from couples and relationship experts that talk about consensual non monogamy, this begins to bring up a flurry of emotions that you’ve never had to explore,
Could I have sex with someone else guilt free even knowing my partner gave consent,
Could I deal with the fact my partner slept with someone else and not take it as a personal attack,
Could I deal with all the awkward conversations and judgements from friends, family and anyone that felt they were entitled to an opinion,
As the days go by and the sex is becoming a bigger issue and bringing up feelings such as resentment and frustration the thought about this whole consensual non monogamy begins to get louder.
You fear that if you openly communicate about this then you will hurt your partner and potentially end up losing someone you love,
You also fear that by not communicating openly and honestly then you aren’t showing up as your true self and this can only mean one thing…
Your partner doesn’t love the real you, only the version that you are allowing your partner to see.
Do you ask for advice from people who will only give you back their emotional biases and insecurities,
Do you speak to the person you love in order to be able to go another layer deep in your relationship and connect on a far deeper level,
I want you to think about your sex life now and ask yourself ‘am I showing up as the true me, or am I only sharing the parts of my self that I know are safe and easier to ‘love”
Is your partner a possession of yours or are you individuals supporting eachother to become the best versions of themselves and giving yourself permission to explore every part of your desires and curiosities?
It’s crunch time son…
Master status or removing your mask and identifying yourself?
In life we have a few constants but none greater than to tell your truth or to ultimately manipulate.
Every time you choose to hide your truth no matter how big or small you are falling into the manipulator role, trying to manage someone else’s feelings is a recipe for disaster and an unfulfilled life where you’re only teetering on the edge of all the amazing possibilities out there for yourself.
When you tell your truth it allows others the chance to really see you instead of a facade that you portray.
Your life is exactly that, YOURS and if you aren’t being true to yourself then your pushing people away from you that really should be in your life and attracting people that maybe shouldn’t be playing as big a role as they currently do.
NEVER stop exploring your personality and ALWAYS communicate your truth because who knows, by not having a potentially uncomfortable conversation you might be stopping your relationships from becoming something you have always wanted.
Do you want 110% real genuine people in your life?
Then first you need to become 110% real and genuine!
Assumptions only make an ass out of you and me 😉
To unbecome anything you have to first realise what you have become.
Since i’ve been communicating openly and honestly i’ve attracted someone into my life that pushes me to be the best I can be, and this allows for a relationship built on something far greater than just societies mould of what a relationship should look like, where we can both explore parts of ourselves that we’ve never felt comfortable before.
I’m sure you’ve all heard this phrase before, usually from someone who has been cheated on, saying this to a friend who has just been cheated on because they have an emotional bias which is not allowing them to look at this objectively.
Ironically this phrase is also used by those people that are under the opinion that hiding anything from a partner is cheating,
but let me explain to you the biggest flaw in this…………..
Whether right or wrong we are all guilty of trying to manage our partners emotions and feelings on a daily basis.
Say you get a text from someone that your partner doesn’t like, but you do, and the only reason they don’t like this person is because they feel threatened by them, although they won’t tell you this is the reason, they will say something along the lines of ‘he doesn’t just want to be your friend, he wants to get in your knickers’ or ‘I know what shes like, she’s a slag’ do you tell your partner you have received a completely innocent text knowing full well this will cause an argument,
Or do you hide it from your partner as they are in the wrong for feeling this way towards them and they need to manage their insecurities????
Well if you chose to hide it from them then i’m afraid you are a cheat, and what do we already know to be true about this situation………
Yep you guessed it,
Once a cheat always a cheat.
The dictionaries definition of the word cheat is ‘to act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage’
I personally think it all comes down to your intention and only you know what that is.
Now I want to take a look at the reasons that people cheat and why sometimes people that are in happy relationships aren’t always monogamous.
The more i’ve questioned my own personal relationships the more i’ve went in search of answers,
I stumbled across Esther Perel who is a psychotherapist and relationship expert whose opinions have really made me become so much more open minded to my once blinkered views on relationships.
Now for some people they will cheat because they aren’t happy in their relationship, but do not have the courage to end it before seeking out some form of affection from someone else.
Some people may also want to see if the grass is greener just out of curiosity, curiosity is a very powerful emotion.
Maybe a ‘cheater’ will find themselves in need of excitement and the thrill that they just aren’t getting in their everyday life and relationship.
Cheating can also happen when someone doesn’t feel they can explore their sexual desires with their partner, and with an almost stranger where there are no deep rooted emotions they can be who they want to be.
A lot of people will assume that the reason behind infidelity is actually just lust and lack of self control, although this can be the case, I would argue that someone in a relationship they don’t want to end, risking this decision being taken out of their control, is due to a much much deeper reason and not just the physical release.
Esther goes on to say that she has coached a lot of couples that are struggling to see a way past infidelity in the relationship,
Now this is something that I did not expect to hear especially from a woman,
Are you willing to lose someone who is amazing in all other areas of your relationship that has made a mistake and has held their hands up and asked to be forgiven and try and work through it??
There is no right or wrong answer here but here are a few things I would have you consider,
Do you still love them and are they good to you, look after you and make an effort in the relationship?
Can you forgive to the point that you won’t keep bringing it up every time you have an argument?
Will it make you act differently towards them and your relationship?
Do you want to learn to trust them again?
Is the relationship worth saving?
Now after someone has cheated in the relationship their will be a lot of emotions all over the place not just from the person who has been cheated on but also the person who cheated,
some of these are;
And if you’re really going to work through this you need to both understand that it’s going to take time and it will be hard work but as long as you are both strong and are putting in 110% effort to get to that point then there is absolutely no reason why you have to end the relationship.
Infidelity can make a relationship such a rollercoaster but as long as you both open up completely and vulnerably without any masks on and can listen to eachother then just because a friend of yours ended a relationship because they’d been cheated on DO NOT feel like you have to do the same thing,
Trust your gut and do what you feel is right for you and your relationship whether that means parting ways or working through it.