How To Get Over An Ex

First of all I want you to take 3 deeps breaths, you’re going to breath in through your nose for a count of 4, hold for a count of 3-4 and then breathe out for a count of 4.

Breathe in…

Hold…

Breathe out…

Breathe in…

Hold…

Breathe out…

Breathe in…

Hold…

Breathe out…

You should now be feeling centred, relaxed and present which is something you have been struggling with since the breakup,

Am I right?

I know this because I too have been in your position a few years back, the constant noise in your head and unable to shake the feelings of unworthiness while clinging on to the hope that everything will be ok.

You probably stumbled across this blog with the intention of learning how to get over your ex all while secretly knowing you don’t want to,

*NEWSFLASH

YOU can’t hide from YOU.

But MY intention behind putting this out in to the big wide web and infront of your eyes is to help you question what it is you’re doing, and really start bridging the gap between what you say you want and what you are doing, so you can become the Queen B of your life, all the single ladies dah dah daaahhhh.

Ok right let’s get to it!

Breakups are possibly (depending how invested you were) one of the most painful things you will ever go through, they shake you to your core and leave you questioning everything,

What did I do wrong?

What could I of done better?

Why was I not good enough?

Will I ever be loved like that again?

But once you start consciously choosing to work through the breakup, and being far more intentional about where you are investing time and energy, you will begin noticing just how transformational this chapter of your life is.

Now obviously there are exceptions to these and of course you can tell me I’m wrong or even quote some Game Of Thrones “You know nothing, Jon Snow” and that is entirely your prerogative but I invite you to firstly look inside, and see if you can find any truth in what you are reading.

So without further ado I bring to you my top 3 don’ts when struggling with a breakup.

  1. Indirectly trying to get your exes attention. This could be going to places you know your ex will be in the hope of bumping into them, writing a post on social media explaining how you’re now know longer going to do x,y or z (you know that thing your ex didn’t like you doing) or posting endless pictures of you partying with the intention of trying to make your ex jealous. Now these are a few subtle cries but the biggest one here that deserves a lot of love directed inward is the messages or kind gestures towards your ex to show them that you still love and care about them. This for me was a pattern I have found myself in a couple of times, but since working through a lot of ‘stuff’ I realised that was my way of trying to prove that I had something amazing to offer them, the harsh truth is that if you are feeling the need to make grand gestures then you are subconsciously telling yourself you are not worthy as you are.
  2. Jumping straight into another relationship. Now reading this one might be very triggering and cause you to energetically send profanities my way but bear with me here. A longterm relationship can impact your identity in a way that you might not of considered but I have a couple of things here for you to ponder on. Is the fact I’m single bringing up feelings of ‘I don’t know who I am’ due to the identity you’ve built around you being in a relationship? Or has your new found single life created fear around you being on your own because you are someone that always needs to be around someone? Both of these are going to be very challenging to work through but jumping straight into another relationship from a place of fear will create far more problems, and will prevent you from connecting with someone who really lights up your soul.
  3. Exchange sex for validation of worthiness. This is probably the most common and was definitely a big part of my healing process, but as soon as you start trading things for something that feels like the thing you really want, then you are again subconsciously telling yourself that you don’t deserve what it is you truly want. Now I am by no means saying DO NOT go out and have sex but what I am saying is be very intentional about your reasons for having sex. So if what you’re actually wanting is physical touch, a cuddle, some company then ask yourself, how can I begin matching my behaviours to my desires and when you can really become aware of the choices you’re making, you can begin taking back control, instead of leaving you feeling used while harbouring feelings of unworthiness.

Now I want you to think for a few seconds, what one of those three while reading them created a bigger response (an anxious feeling in your stomach, a sudden rush of heat, a feeling of defensiveness) in my body?

This is where you are most out of alignment and are really being called to love that part of yourself.

So my suggestion is to take things slow…

What can you do right now that will improve your life today?

It might be cancelling that night out and instead spend the evening taking care of yourself so you can wake up feeling energised and refreshed (a clue here is when was the last time you stayed in on your own at the weekend and prioritised self care)

It might be asking yourself, is this person I’m spending a lot of time with someone that I would spend a lot of time with if I truly loved myself? and then getting really clear on the truth instead of overthinking the stories you are attaching to that question.

It might be making a commitment to yourself to stop sharing your body with anyone for *insert a timeframe that feels aligned and right for you.

As I mentioned at the start of this, it is absolutely your prerogative to disregard any or all of this, but if any of this has resonated, or made you question your current thoughts or behaviours then I’d love to hear what insights you have had.

But most of all I want you to know that although right now you are struggling, and things feel like they are too much for you, you are loved unconditionally just by being here now, and when you lose sight of that, just reach out to someone that is a permanent in your life, nothing comes close to a cuddle or an I love you from your mum 😊.

Sending you love,

Dan.

The Curse Of The Positive Memory Syndrome

Why the fuck do you write these blogs?

(Well Natalie, firstly fuck you)

Well Natalie i’m very pleased you asked,

I think in life we get so caught up in the things we should do, like work, changing nappies, going to the gym, pursuing financial goals, that we forget to do things for no other reason than pure enjoyment,

Whether it’s playing video games,

Going for a kickabout up the field,

having a regular day catching up with the girls, gossiping about the new guy that has flagged up as an arsehole,

reading a book,

And for me, writing.

Writing is something that chills me out, and gives me a sense of freedom to express exactly how i’m feeling, for no other reason, than just getting it out of me, and onto my laptop screen with no expectation or fear of judgement,

Until……………

It came to writing this blog!

So I sat at my desk yesterday, opened my laptop, and loaded up my wordpress site………..

I sat there for over an hour trying to figure out a way to write a blog about missing someone, but not giving away the fact that I am actually missing someone,

Yes, you guessed it, it’s that fucking black widow again.

Did you know that their venom is considered one of the most poisonous, and although won’t necessarily kill a human it’s said that you will feel the effects long after the bite.

^^^ Very fitting!

And of course Scarlett Johansson mmmmmmmmmmmm I can’t wait for Avengers Infinity War in a couple of weeks!

So after not writing a single thing and not getting my blog out on blog day, I received a message from a friend, for the sake of this blog we will call her Becca.

So the message went something like this………..

So it’s blog day right………..

It is, but unfortunately I can’t bear to write a blog about missing someone when I still miss ‘her’

So why are you trying to force yourself to feel a certain way, you’re always so open and honest and if you feel like you can’t be with this one then change the blog.

Hit me like a tatty football to the face in the school playground on a cold January morning.

But she was right, why am I trying to cover up the fact that I still miss her??

This is exactly what my blogs are all about, being brutally and vulnerably honest for no other reason than its empowering for me, and if it resonates with someone then even better.

It’s almost like i’m ashamed to miss her, as if it’s some form of weakness.

None of us like to feel weak and powerless but missing someone and admitting to missing someone is no less than a strength in my opinion,

Let me explain….

Missing someone only proves that what you felt for them was real, and if you really loved them like you said you did, then this is only normal and shows just how much love you have to give, which I think is a strength,

Ever heard the phrase

‘how can you love someone and not love yourself??’

Again if you can love someone that much and you still miss them long after they are gone, then it just shows that you love yourself and are capable of giving that much love out.

Also if you can admit that you truly miss someone, not just when times are tough or you’ve had a shit day, but when you are happy and want to share whatever positive experience you’re having with them, then you are comfortable and confident in who you are to be vulnerable which again is another strength.

Unfortunately far too many of us are scared of looking vulnerable and weak through fear of being judged, all it does when you are being authentic and showing up as the real you is give everyone around you permission to also be themselves which creates much more of a stronger connection, not only to eachother but to yourselves aswell.

Remember life is all about connections.

Recently i’ve been having this dream over and over again and I don’t know whether there is something in it or whether i’m having that dream because I want it to happen and when i’m asleep I am slipping into the reality that I want rather than the one I have created when I open my eyes.

The thing is, i’m a hopeless romantic,  a soppy fucker if you will, but I am a firm believer in the universe giving us what we need when we need it and i’m currently trying to decipher if the dreams are the universes way of showing me something to almost pose the question,

Is this what you want…………

Truth is,

I don’t know.

Part of me feels like the last year had to happen (I can only speak for myself) in order for me to address some issues and insecurities I had and really understand what it is I want from life,

But the other part of me is thinking that served it’s purpose for both of us and it’s time to move on.

I haven’t been on a date for almost 8 months and definitely haven’t got emotionally attached to anyone and I know this is why i’m currently feeling like this because it’s got to the point now where i’m kind of on the edge of the platform,

Do I step back and continue to wait or do I step forward onto the train and allow it to take me to my next destination………

This is my biggest fear and if i’m completely honest scares the absolute crap out of me,

What if I step onto the train and then my dream becomes reality when i’m already on my new journey?

What if I step back and miss the train I should of stepped onto?

Unfortunately the only way I will know is to either do one or the other, after all that’s all I can do, react based on how i’m feeling today right at this very second and that’s all we can ever do, make a decision based on where we currently are now.

I have butterflies in my stomach as i’m sitting here typing this and just had to pause for 5 minutes to just stare out my window,

Do I know what I want?

Do we ever know what we want?

Everything around us right now is just an external picture of the choices we’ve made and continue to make every minute of every day.

Can I even face putting myself out there again potentially to end up in this same position writing another blog about the lessons i’ve learnt.

All that matters is right now, not yesterday, not tomorrow but now, right this very second because that is all we’ve got and that is all we will ever have, feel what you’re feeling, don’t force yourself to feel a certain way and just accept that you are doing the best you can do right now.

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