How To Get Over An Ex

First of all I want you to take 3 deeps breaths, you’re going to breath in through your nose for a count of 4, hold for a count of 3-4 and then breathe out for a count of 4.

Breathe in…

Hold…

Breathe out…

Breathe in…

Hold…

Breathe out…

Breathe in…

Hold…

Breathe out…

You should now be feeling centred, relaxed and present which is something you have been struggling with since the breakup,

Am I right?

I know this because I too have been in your position a few years back, the constant noise in your head and unable to shake the feelings of unworthiness while clinging on to the hope that everything will be ok.

You probably stumbled across this blog with the intention of learning how to get over your ex all while secretly knowing you don’t want to,

*NEWSFLASH

YOU can’t hide from YOU.

But MY intention behind putting this out in to the big wide web and infront of your eyes is to help you question what it is you’re doing, and really start bridging the gap between what you say you want and what you are doing, so you can become the Queen B of your life, all the single ladies dah dah daaahhhh.

Ok right let’s get to it!

Breakups are possibly (depending how invested you were) one of the most painful things you will ever go through, they shake you to your core and leave you questioning everything,

What did I do wrong?

What could I of done better?

Why was I not good enough?

Will I ever be loved like that again?

But once you start consciously choosing to work through the breakup, and being far more intentional about where you are investing time and energy, you will begin noticing just how transformational this chapter of your life is.

Now obviously there are exceptions to these and of course you can tell me I’m wrong or even quote some Game Of Thrones “You know nothing, Jon Snow” and that is entirely your prerogative but I invite you to firstly look inside, and see if you can find any truth in what you are reading.

So without further ado I bring to you my top 3 don’ts when struggling with a breakup.

  1. Indirectly trying to get your exes attention. This could be going to places you know your ex will be in the hope of bumping into them, writing a post on social media explaining how you’re now know longer going to do x,y or z (you know that thing your ex didn’t like you doing) or posting endless pictures of you partying with the intention of trying to make your ex jealous. Now these are a few subtle cries but the biggest one here that deserves a lot of love directed inward is the messages or kind gestures towards your ex to show them that you still love and care about them. This for me was a pattern I have found myself in a couple of times, but since working through a lot of ‘stuff’ I realised that was my way of trying to prove that I had something amazing to offer them, the harsh truth is that if you are feeling the need to make grand gestures then you are subconsciously telling yourself you are not worthy as you are.
  2. Jumping straight into another relationship. Now reading this one might be very triggering and cause you to energetically send profanities my way but bear with me here. A longterm relationship can impact your identity in a way that you might not of considered but I have a couple of things here for you to ponder on. Is the fact I’m single bringing up feelings of ‘I don’t know who I am’ due to the identity you’ve built around you being in a relationship? Or has your new found single life created fear around you being on your own because you are someone that always needs to be around someone? Both of these are going to be very challenging to work through but jumping straight into another relationship from a place of fear will create far more problems, and will prevent you from connecting with someone who really lights up your soul.
  3. Exchange sex for validation of worthiness. This is probably the most common and was definitely a big part of my healing process, but as soon as you start trading things for something that feels like the thing you really want, then you are again subconsciously telling yourself that you don’t deserve what it is you truly want. Now I am by no means saying DO NOT go out and have sex but what I am saying is be very intentional about your reasons for having sex. So if what you’re actually wanting is physical touch, a cuddle, some company then ask yourself, how can I begin matching my behaviours to my desires and when you can really become aware of the choices you’re making, you can begin taking back control, instead of leaving you feeling used while harbouring feelings of unworthiness.

Now I want you to think for a few seconds, what one of those three while reading them created a bigger response (an anxious feeling in your stomach, a sudden rush of heat, a feeling of defensiveness) in my body?

This is where you are most out of alignment and are really being called to love that part of yourself.

So my suggestion is to take things slow…

What can you do right now that will improve your life today?

It might be cancelling that night out and instead spend the evening taking care of yourself so you can wake up feeling energised and refreshed (a clue here is when was the last time you stayed in on your own at the weekend and prioritised self care)

It might be asking yourself, is this person I’m spending a lot of time with someone that I would spend a lot of time with if I truly loved myself? and then getting really clear on the truth instead of overthinking the stories you are attaching to that question.

It might be making a commitment to yourself to stop sharing your body with anyone for *insert a timeframe that feels aligned and right for you.

As I mentioned at the start of this, it is absolutely your prerogative to disregard any or all of this, but if any of this has resonated, or made you question your current thoughts or behaviours then I’d love to hear what insights you have had.

But most of all I want you to know that although right now you are struggling, and things feel like they are too much for you, you are loved unconditionally just by being here now, and when you lose sight of that, just reach out to someone that is a permanent in your life, nothing comes close to a cuddle or an I love you from your mum 😊.

Sending you love,

Dan.

Failing at 30 Succeeding at 31

This time last year I was just about to turn 30, I had always been scared about turning 30, because as a young boy I thought that this was the age that you just have your shit together, 

In a secure, loving relationship/marriage,

Kids,

Mortgage,

Financial ‘comfort’

Happy,

Fulfilled,

The list goes on…

In actual fact NONE of these boxes were ticked and in all honesty the exact opposite was true!

Firstly I went through a really shit breakup the end of august, just as i’d got the keys to a new home, now going through a breakup can be bad enough (my first blog was titled the reality of a breakup) but the hardest thing about it wasn’t even the break up itself, but something surrounding it that left me broken <<< the expression my sister used after i’d turned up on her doorstep one night off my head (I go into more detail about this in my book which i’m aiming to complete by early March).

Secondly having to give up my house 8 months later, from having my best month at the start of August financially and things really starting to grow, to being a few grand in debt, not coping emotionally and trying to hold everything together with my business, and show up everyday with a smile on my face, it eventually got the better of me, but being the stubborn fucker I am, instead of choosing to give up my business and letting down all my clients I left my house, lost most of my deposit as i’d terminated the contract early, gave Simba to my mum <<< that was probably the hardest decision as he’d been there with me from the first week I moved into my house, and decided to move back into my gym, i’d been here before when I sold my car and moved out of my house when I first got the keys so I could put my money into the gym, but this time it felt like failure.

I was really struggling moving back into my gym and felt so embarrassed, ashamed and unsuccessful in every area of my life, especially when week after week my phone would be ringing to pay bills, and go through the embarrassing conversations of setting up payment plans which I still couldn’t afford, but was the minimum they would allow so it was something else that I just had to make work although had no fucking clue how.

Over the course of a year after the breakup, moving back into my gym and trying to pay off bills while struggling to feed myself, my escape had been drink, drugs and sex, spending money I didn’t have to wake up next to someone in the morning so I didn’t feel so alone to say it was rough was an understatement, and if I didn’t have my gym and my clients I truthfully believe that I would still be in that same vicious cycle now because they gave me a purpose to continue, trying to break out of it, and not just surrender myself to ‘this is now my life and i’ll never achieve anything’

I would say the last 3 months have been the happiest i’ve been in a long time, i’m no longer isolating myself, i’m allowing myself to feel again, I genuinely no longer care about being judged as I know that they are only looking at a mirror and not me and it’s nothing personal, I no longer feel like I have to weight train to be liked by others, I do it because I love myself enough to look after my body, I have started writing a book about emotions and masculinity based on my life experiences, I have started volunteering for a local mental health charity each week, i’m exploring new things in all areas of my life and refuse to remain stagnant and ALWAYS challenge myself.

I had a dream that when I turned 30 I would not only have everything in my life ‘together’ but that I would also be turning 30 in New York while it’s snowing and just being at peace with my life and the world,

But in actual fact my 30th year on this earth taught me so much more than I could of ever imagined,, and for that I will forever be eternally grateful, I wouldn’t of learnt to REALLY love myself, I wouldn’t of found this love for writing again like I had when I was a young boy and I wouldn’t of felt like I was worthy of helping out with a mental health charity.

My 30th year will always be the year that I look back and see the start of a huge level of growth and a massive transformation taking place that had me shed the old sabotaging layers of myself that were no longer serving me, and stepping into this new life that is ahead of me,

Dan, welcome to your 31st birthday!

Me and Simba 'working'

Light, Darkness and Broken Pieces

Disclaimer***

Before you go any further you have to promise to not take pity on me or feel sad or upset for me because I share these blogs with you because it’s ‘my thing’, my therapy, and my way of putting my vulnerability out in the world, to hopefully show you that it’s ok to feel,

Feel down,

Feel shame,

Feel guilt,

Feel lonely,

And any other emotions you might currently be feeling, and by no means should you have to cover these up, and shy away from sitting in these emotions, because these are an important part of who you are, and if you don’t allow yourself the time to just feel these emotions when they come through you, then you will never truly understand why you are feeling them in the first place, and learn exactly what you need to learn in order to become the person you want to be.

Take the time you need to be alone, and reflect on who you are, and who you are striving to become, but NEVER, EVER try to cover up your vulnerabilities, because they are what make you unique and perfectly imperfect.

 

So these last couple of weeks i’ve made a promise to myself to stop acting in a way that takes me further away from the person I want to be, this has made me realise how much i’ve been letting myself down, a lot of the guilt and shame i’ve felt has been my battles with knowing i’ve let others down, but finally, I have got to a point where I am now thinking about myself first, and it has come with a huge sense of empowerment and relief, a huge deep breath in, standing up tall, and holding eye contact at all times, but at the same time a massive deep breath out, and drop of the shoulders like that weight has just been lifted.

Lastnight myself my brother and ‘Abigail’ (if you follow my blog you will know who Abigail is) decided in the spur of the moment to go for a couple of drinks for my brothers birthday weekend, before ordering a curry and going back to theirs to chill out and indulge in our favourite Indian dishes.

It was so nice to be out and just be able to enjoy a few drinks with the ‘odd’ sambucca (eye roll in Abigails direction) and just chat without the want or need to get completely intoxicated and wake up the next morning with that gut wrenching feeling of anxiousness and regret while scrambling for your phone to check your sent messages.

With a belly full of curry, fermented apples and sticky ginger (again one of my favourites, mind out the gutter) gluten free cake I was feeling a little sleepy and rather than get a taxi I was thrown my nephews duvet and pillow to cosy up on the sofa with.

After they went to bed I began reflecting on my life over the past few years.

I began to have this sense of loneliness come over me I began speaking to one of my friends who the other day I had a very similar conversation with but this time it was my turn to hear some words of wisdom to help me see things for what they really are.

Halfway through our conversation my battery died and I didn’t have my charger with me so I had no choice but to put my phone down and roll over and go to sleep with nothing but my thoughts.

I woke up feeling a little dry mouthed but otherwise pretty good so after getting up and throwing the duvet and pillow back upstairs and saying bye I put my shoes on and left.

As I was driving home I knew that today I needed to be on my own, I needed a Dan date day and although I had plans for work stuff to be done I had to spend time reflecting on why I am feeling like this.

I got home got showered and dressed necked a protein shake and went out the door to begin the 30 minute drive to the cinema.

I had heard a lot of very good things the day before from a friend who had told me i’d love it and it made her sob like a little girl, this was exactly what I needed and I knew if it made her cry then i’d need to sit as far away from everyone as possible in the cinema because nobody wants to hear a 30 year old man whaling and sniffling in his seat.

5 minutes into the film I knew straight away that this was going to hit me like a ton of bricks, music, passion and a love story now this had the foundations of a very very good film.

without giving too much away, from the moment he met her he was addicted, he knew that she was special and he very quickly became besotted with her.

To find someone that sees the magic inside of yourself that you struggle to see is beautiful and one of lifes blessings, he believed in her SO much and gave her the confidence to step into her greatness so she could share her message to the world all while knowing that he was always there to hold her hand and never let her fall.

She was very close to forgetting who she truly was when the fame really hit her but after a big row and him telling her what she needed to hear and not what she wanted to hear you could sense that she no longer wanted the fortune and fame and this false image that she had become as it was beginning to take her further away from the most important thing they both had,

Unconditional love for eachother.

This film literally made me feel so many different emotions but yes she couldn’t of been more right when i’d been told i’d love it.

I’d spent almost 2 hours sat in the corner of the cinema crying my eyes out, the type of tears that feel as if they are coming from deep within your soul.

Now my life is good but at the minute I am going through what the guru’s and life coaches would describe as ‘a period of growth’

I have days when I feel on top of the world like nothing can touch me, i’m the most confident i’ve ever been, I know what I want but more importantly I know exactly who I am.

Then I have days like today when I have feelings of immense earth shattering loneliness where I just want to be on my own crying all day.

I often think on days like today how broken I am and have so many thoughts of selling everything I have and moving away to start a new life and maybe bump into my Ally (you must go and watch A star is born)

I often try and remember how it feels to be in love and when I see couples and watch films like today that have these love stories not only does it make me happy but it also reinforces the fact that I am lonely.

My thing now is I want to attract the best most amazing relationship into my life and to do this I need to become the person who deserves this and work hard addressing the ‘flaws’ I have so I can not only be immensely proud of who I am but also become someone that is able to inspire and support ‘her’ to achieve her dreams just like Jackson did with Ally.

For me I know to do this and really become that person I need to take myself away from certain things, places and even people which is one of the hardest things to do because these people are friends and I do not want them thinking i’m abandoning them but again I also understand that if they care about me they will respect why I am doing this and not take it personally.

I am by no means searching, i’m not on dating sites (not that there is anything wrong with them) and I am not pursuing anyone romantically because for me I know that when it’s my time that person will enter my life and it will just naturally fall into place.

I’ve only ever been in love twice and both have been very different but taught me things about myself that I am hugely grateful for,

I just want to say to you…………..

If you are going to bed alone tonight wandering what is wrong with you and why no one wants to be with you just remember that when you try to hard to be in a relationship you’re not going to be attracting the type of person that is going to love you unconditionally and look into your eyes at night while you’re laying in bed together and make you feel so safe and secure because until you become the type of person that you love and are proud of why would you attract someone into your life that will do that for you?!

Now I may be getting into bed tonight feeling lonely and maybe even wishing that someone was there with me I will by no means feel unworthy and unloved because this is my time to become that person that is going to attract my forever girl and relationship and I am not going to settle because of loneliness.

 

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