Unbecome The Master Of Manipulation And Speak Your Truth

Very few of us ever become a master of anything, because to master something, you have to be so dedicated that you will do whatever it takes to get to the top of ‘your game,’ and for most, this level of commitment is seen as selfish,

But…

I want to impose on you an alternative, a paradox if you will, where your mind will begin questioning whether or not you are indeed, a master of manipulation.

Now I don’t want to use the kind of terminology you’d hear from a hugely respected athlete that has come to the end of their career, and whose life’s mission is now to inspire and influence others to achieve greatness,

But instead, authored by a 31 year old man sat infront of his laptop, in a vest and a scruffy pair of ‘lounging shorts’ whose life’s mission is to provoke thought, and inspire change, so you can visualise and experience an amazingly fulfilling life outside of societies little cage.

Feeling dubious?

Well put on your big gender neutral pants and follow me in to the fray…

Tread carefully my little apprentice for the ground is treacherous as we embark on our first mission…

Apprentice level 1: Do I look fat in this?

You’ve got a meal out planned with a few friends and their partners and as always the painstaking process of ‘operation queen’ begins hours before you’re due to go out.

a couple of hours later, you fearfully walk towards the flight of stairs as you try to pluck up the courage to make the climb…

The sound of ‘it’s raining men’ bellows into your ears as you are met with the intense smell of perfume, sweat and tears,

Every fibre of your being is telling you to retreat back to the sofa as you are hit with the apocalyptic feeling of deja vu, but for the greater good you trundle on.

You walk into The Lovemaking Quarters, where you are faced with a beautiful lady fighting with an equally beautiful garment, just as you were about to intervene the battle is won, and your beautiful lady turns around and utters the most earth-shatteringly feared words of all…

‘Do I look fat in this?’

You take a huge gulp and swallow back down your pounding heart as you wipe the sweat from your brow.

Although you think it’s not the most flattering how can you let her know this without her taking it personally and refusing to go out?

‘No, you look lovely’ as the weight of the world has just removed itself from your shoulders.

>>> LEVEL 1 COMPLETE <<<

That was a close call but don’t get complacent now that was just the beginning.

Putting on your mask: level 2

This is probably the most important of all, to hide your true identity,

Let the lesson begin!

You lift your left foot up, and just before you can put it infront of your right foot, you are immediately transported back in time to when you first met your partner.

You’ve got a jd and coke in your hand and vision impairment goggles over your eyes.

You see a stunning girl over at the bar ordering her drink, and in your drunken courageous state you decide to do the peacock walk over to her, puffing your chest out in the hope you can bag a date, or at the very least a phone number.

Obviously this is the stereotypical ‘good looking girls end up with dickheads’ because through your egotistical ‘trying to be alpha’ persona, you managed to persuade her to go on a date with you.

You wake up the next day with a mouth as dry as *insert a filthy metaphor and the sense of conflict bigger than the battle of Winterfell…

Do you show up as the deep thinking, polite emotional man that you are, or do you show up as the alpha, egotistical man that got you the date in the first place?

*Sidenote, think about every area of your life where you have to interact with people,

Work,

Social occasions,

Family gatherings,

Relationships,

You hear the words of your master in your ears ‘this is probably the most important of all, to hide your true identity’

Before you have time to ponder anymore, you are catapulted into the exact moment before you walk out the door to go on your date…

I MUST NOT appear as my true vulnerable self, and with that thought you put on your mask, and walk out your front door.

>>> LEVEL 2 COMPLETE <<<

Awesome work soldier, now this next phase will grant you Master status!

Are you ready to become the Master Manipulator whose ninja like in stealth never truly being seen or heard?

Society conformity: Level 3

Suit up partner, this is where it could all come crashing down and you could giveaway your true identity.

You’ve been in a relationship for *insert how long, and you are happy, content and excited to continue creating a future together, but recently your sex life has become vanilla and routined at best, that’s when you are actually fortunate enough to have sex.

You’ve been watching more and more porn in private, and often find yourself fantasising about other people.

The last few weeks have had you scouring the internet for alternatives, as you DO NOT want to go behind your partners back and cheat on them.

You soon find blogs from couples and relationship experts that talk about consensual non monogamy, this begins to bring up a flurry of emotions that you’ve never had to explore,

Such as;

Could I have sex with someone else guilt free even knowing my partner gave consent,

Could I deal with the fact my partner slept with someone else and not take it as a personal attack,

Could I deal with all the awkward conversations and judgements from friends, family and anyone that felt they were entitled to an opinion,

As the days go by and the sex is becoming a bigger issue and bringing up feelings such as resentment and frustration the thought about this whole consensual non monogamy begins to get louder.

You fear that if you openly communicate about this then you will hurt your partner and potentially end up losing someone you love,

You also fear that by not communicating openly and honestly then you aren’t showing up as your true self and this can only mean one thing…

Your partner doesn’t love the real you, only the version that you are allowing your partner to see.

Do you ask for advice from people who will only give you back their emotional biases and insecurities,

Or

Do you speak to the person you love in order to be able to go another layer deep in your relationship and connect on a far deeper level,

TIMEOUT…

I want you to think about your sex life now and ask yourself ‘am I showing up as the true me, or am I only sharing the parts of my self that I know are safe and easier to ‘love”

Is your partner a possession of yours or are you individuals supporting eachother to become the best versions of themselves and giving yourself permission to explore every part of your desires and curiosities?

It’s crunch time son…

Master status or removing your mask and identifying yourself?

In life we have a few constants but none greater than to tell your truth or to ultimately manipulate.

Every time you choose to hide your truth no matter how big or small you are falling into the manipulator role, trying to manage someone else’s feelings is a recipe for disaster and an unfulfilled life where you’re only teetering on the edge of all the amazing possibilities out there for yourself.

When you tell your truth it allows others the chance to really see you instead of a facade that you portray.

Your life is exactly that, YOURS and if you aren’t being true to yourself then your pushing people away from you that really should be in your life and attracting people that maybe shouldn’t be playing as big a role as they currently do.

NEVER stop exploring your personality and ALWAYS communicate your truth because who knows, by not having a potentially uncomfortable conversation you might be stopping your relationships from becoming something you have always wanted.

Do you want 110% real genuine people in your life?

Then first you need to become 110% real and genuine!

Assumptions only make an ass out of you and me ๐Ÿ˜‰

To unbecome anything you have to first realise what you have become.

Since i’ve been communicating openly and honestly i’ve attracted someone into my life that pushes me to be the best I can be, and this allows for a relationship built on something far greater than just societies mould of what a relationship should look like, where we can both explore parts of ourselves that we’ve never felt comfortable before.

The Curse Of The Intimacy Mask

Part 2.

So part 1 was all about my struggle with expressing myself fully through sex and keeping part of myself hidden behind a mask.

If you’ve followed my blog for a while now you will know that this is exactly how I like to write these 2 part blogs because I feel it’s important to always share my own struggles and experiences first almost as a way of gaining permission to move on to expressing my opinions without coming across as a keyboard warrior that has no clue how the world works, and since, yes i’m blowing my own trumpet here, I feel I have a very good understanding of how the world works my aim is to help you, at the very least look at your struggles and experiences more open-mindedly.

Now i’m pretty sure this blog will ruffle a few feathers and if you suddenly feel a burning desire to kick me in the uncircumcised genitals then please be my guest, remember that whole fetish thing way back when ๐Ÿ˜‰ I may or may not be serious!

One of my favourite quotes is,

“What doesn’t trigger you, doesn’t change you”

So, my aim is to trigger you into action to improve your current situation and be able to live a much more fulfilled life rather than settling for a shitty relationship that you feel trapped in.

Now let’s get into the nitty gritty…

First of all I want to talk about the 4 different kinds of intimacy and why they are important and even vital, not only in a romantic relationship but also your most basic needs as a human being.

  1. Emotional intimacy
  2. Intellectual intimacy
  3. Physical intimacy
  4. Spiritual intimacy

A relationship can survive without 1 or 2 of these but it will never give you everything you desire from a relationship.

*Bold claim number 1…

You start looking elsewhere when your relationship begins to lose 1 or more of these intimacy needs.

  1. Emotional intimacy – For me this would come in the form of stability and security, knowing that when I am feeling down my relationship and my partner will provide me with the feeling of safety to fully open up about how i’m currently feeling with no judgement and enable me to ‘get through’ whatever the issue is.
  2. Intellectual intimacy – Now for me this is probably the most important type of intimacy. I am always reflecting on the things i’ve done who I am and how I can become better and I need intellectual conversation daily, it’s like without it I get VERY bored and if that level of intellect isn’t there for me I can actually get quite frustrated and no longer want to be around that person.
  3. Physical intimacy – This is a whisker behind intellectual intimacy for me. I love physical intimacy and need a lot of it, I don’t just mean sex but more so just the physical touch of my hand on her leg, a grab of the bum, a stroke of her hair while she’s laying on me, our legs over eachothers while going asleep. I think that the most intimate touch is with hands/fingertips and lips, sidenote* having your finger sucked while having sex is somewhat magical and it really sends tingles down the whole body!
  4. Spiritual intimacy – Now this is the deepest form of intimacy you can share with someone. My take on this is when you are both aligned with eachothers visions and dreams and whatever they may be you NEVER hold your partner back. This takes true unconditional love to have this tight spiritual intimate bond and is very rare to find as it will almost certainly trigger insecurities in your partner. For instance, your partner wants to go travelling for 6 months and (this obviously applies to BOTH genders but lets use a female) she has asked you what you thought of her leaving her job and going next month. This has been a life long dream of hers well before meeting you but your initial response is that of narcissism and you turn it into ‘what about me’ if you have spiritual intimacy and unconditional love you may still feel that tummy churning ‘what about me’ reaction but you will support her unconditionally to fulfilling one of her dreams.

If you look at these subjectively you can certainly relate to why your past relationships have broke down.

Now i’m going off on a bit of a tangent here but as males we can have sex with virtually anyone just to fulfil that physical need, females on the other hand predominantly need or definitely prefer to have one of the other 4 intimacies met and are far less likely to just sleep with a stranger for a quick orgasm.

So what am I getting at here?

Newsweek estimates that 15-20% of couples are in a sexless marriage. studies show that about 10% of the married population below age 50 have not had sex in the past year and about 20% report only having sex a few times a year under the age of 40.

Now these statistics are shocking as it’s one of our basic needs but what I am questioning is why do some relationships end up like this,

First of all lets remove the bullshit excuse of we haven’t got time, because come on seriously a spontaneous quickie can be just as exciting as a long drawn out romantic night of endless passion, you do have time and here is the reason that you are choosing to not have sex with your partner.

This is in regards to monogamous relationships where both of you are physically and mentally able.

Blokes, as much as we want to be able to just pull our partners panties down and have our 3 minutes of fun sadly this will only be possible when your partners intimacy needs in the relationship are being met.

If you’re not there for your wife/girlfriend emotionally, intellectually and/or spiritually then why do you expect her to be there for you physically…

Remember a relationship is 2 sided and if one of you isn’t get one of your needs met then the other will start to shut down and not be willing to meet one of your needs, try and look at intimate relationships as a set of scales and if one side is getting more than the other then the relationship isn’t going to be balanced and therefore to balance it back out you both start refusing to take care of the others persons intimacy needs leaving the relationship empty.

My advise is to take some time out this week to really think about who you are and what you want, DON’T think about your partner, your kids, your family just think about what YOU want.

If your relationship is lacking 1 or more of these intimacy needs then you really need to address this and NOT bury your head because you have kids, a home, bills to pay, etc etc

We are all on our way out so we might as well live the best life we can!

I want to end this with something for you to think about,

If we look at all of our intimacy needs from the list of 4 above and we view cheating as getting your physical intimacy met by someone else outside of the relationship, then what about if you start choosing to get the other 3 intimacy needs met by someone out of the relationship?

^^^ Devils advocate.

Hope you’ve enjoyed this read and i’d love to hear your thoughts.

The Curse Of The Intimacy Mask

Part 1.

I suppose i’ve been wanting to write this blog for a while but as my coach says,

“We’re never ready until we’re ready”

I want to start off by letting you all in on one of the real reasons I write my blog, and why I am more than happy to share it with whoever stumbles across it.

Ok, so the first blog I wrote was a hugely emotional representation of the hurt I was feeling in the hope that my ex would stumble across it in some corner of the internet just like you have,

I know…

Cringeworthy!

The more I began to look inside myself and be brutally honest with why I do certain things, it became evident that i’d been wearing this mask in a botched attempt to disable my deepest form of self expression.

I’ve been carrying a little shame but mainly fear that if I share who I truly am I would lose those close to me.

I talk about sex a lot, and I think about sex a lot, but this isn’t just because I have a high sex drive, this is because I want to get rid of all the stigma surrounding sex particularly self expression and fetishes (suppose they could fall under the same bracket) and give others the courage and enable you to give yourself permission to fully express who you are without fear.

As we all know there are very few absolutes in life so everything I share are just my opinions based on my experiences.

Now let me take you back to my first relationship when I was 22…

We were together 6 years, she was my first love and even to this day we still care about eachother a lot.

Truth is I never ever showed her who I truly was, I showed her the parts of me that I loved but anything that I was a little unsure about or thought she couldn’t handle I kept hidden through fear of losing her.

I have a fearless adventurous side in all areas of my life, and HATE, to the point where I cut people out of my life, those that put limitations on things, but when it comes to rejection I think we all have this huge fear that we continue to feed so it actually grows into something that really becomes an issue.

Now i’m not one for what you would call ‘vanilla sex’ not that their is anything wrong with that if that’s your thing but neither was I ready to openly ‘bare all’ and potentially be rejected.

So I done what us humans do and buried my head (I mean in the sand, not between her legs)

I lived in fear that if she ever saw that side of me I would lose her and I really DID NOT want that!

Porn became a bit of an addiction for me and a way that I could express myself judgement free, but of course this is not what porn should be used for, in fact I often think we substitute things in order to actually address the real issue.

The more I think about intimacy and why we all crave it so much but very few get the real genuine connections we are looking for is because just like me you too are afraid of ‘baring all’ and taking off the mask.

Intimacy is really about standing in front of your partner while you’re carrying all these different bags of things we would call ‘issues’ and them looking in to your eyes and telling you ‘I SEE YOU, AND I STILL WANT YOU’

In reality this is all we want, we want to be accepted for who we truly are instead of living in fear and keeping parts of ourselves hidden from our loved ones in case they get up and leave.

This was literally the biggest breakthrough i’ve had which is why now I am so open about everything and actually have received comments like ‘maybe you shouldn’t put that out there’ or under the radar comments aimed at me by people that must think i’m stupid ๐Ÿ˜‰ ‘why do people share so much on social media,’

Well let me tell you right now…

If you feel the need to water down your personality or hold back on expressing yourself in hugely important areas of your life such as sexually then you are setting yourself up for a very bitter unhappy unfulfilled life and you only have yourself to blame!

My personal reason for cheating was because rejection from someone you don’t love is an easier pill to swallow than rejection from that one person you want to be accepted by.

Start showing up as your true self and those who are meant to be in your life will naturally gravitate towards you and those that aren’t will drift away.