How To Get Over An Ex

First of all I want you to take 3 deeps breaths, you’re going to breath in through your nose for a count of 4, hold for a count of 3-4 and then breathe out for a count of 4.

Breathe in…

Hold…

Breathe out…

Breathe in…

Hold…

Breathe out…

Breathe in…

Hold…

Breathe out…

You should now be feeling centred, relaxed and present which is something you have been struggling with since the breakup,

Am I right?

I know this because I too have been in your position a few years back, the constant noise in your head and unable to shake the feelings of unworthiness while clinging on to the hope that everything will be ok.

You probably stumbled across this blog with the intention of learning how to get over your ex all while secretly knowing you don’t want to,

*NEWSFLASH

YOU can’t hide from YOU.

But MY intention behind putting this out in to the big wide web and infront of your eyes is to help you question what it is you’re doing, and really start bridging the gap between what you say you want and what you are doing, so you can become the Queen B of your life, all the single ladies dah dah daaahhhh.

Ok right let’s get to it!

Breakups are possibly (depending how invested you were) one of the most painful things you will ever go through, they shake you to your core and leave you questioning everything,

What did I do wrong?

What could I of done better?

Why was I not good enough?

Will I ever be loved like that again?

But once you start consciously choosing to work through the breakup, and being far more intentional about where you are investing time and energy, you will begin noticing just how transformational this chapter of your life is.

Now obviously there are exceptions to these and of course you can tell me I’m wrong or even quote some Game Of Thrones “You know nothing, Jon Snow” and that is entirely your prerogative but I invite you to firstly look inside, and see if you can find any truth in what you are reading.

So without further ado I bring to you my top 3 don’ts when struggling with a breakup.

  1. Indirectly trying to get your exes attention. This could be going to places you know your ex will be in the hope of bumping into them, writing a post on social media explaining how you’re now know longer going to do x,y or z (you know that thing your ex didn’t like you doing) or posting endless pictures of you partying with the intention of trying to make your ex jealous. Now these are a few subtle cries but the biggest one here that deserves a lot of love directed inward is the messages or kind gestures towards your ex to show them that you still love and care about them. This for me was a pattern I have found myself in a couple of times, but since working through a lot of ‘stuff’ I realised that was my way of trying to prove that I had something amazing to offer them, the harsh truth is that if you are feeling the need to make grand gestures then you are subconsciously telling yourself you are not worthy as you are.
  2. Jumping straight into another relationship. Now reading this one might be very triggering and cause you to energetically send profanities my way but bear with me here. A longterm relationship can impact your identity in a way that you might not of considered but I have a couple of things here for you to ponder on. Is the fact I’m single bringing up feelings of ‘I don’t know who I am’ due to the identity you’ve built around you being in a relationship? Or has your new found single life created fear around you being on your own because you are someone that always needs to be around someone? Both of these are going to be very challenging to work through but jumping straight into another relationship from a place of fear will create far more problems, and will prevent you from connecting with someone who really lights up your soul.
  3. Exchange sex for validation of worthiness. This is probably the most common and was definitely a big part of my healing process, but as soon as you start trading things for something that feels like the thing you really want, then you are again subconsciously telling yourself that you don’t deserve what it is you truly want. Now I am by no means saying DO NOT go out and have sex but what I am saying is be very intentional about your reasons for having sex. So if what you’re actually wanting is physical touch, a cuddle, some company then ask yourself, how can I begin matching my behaviours to my desires and when you can really become aware of the choices you’re making, you can begin taking back control, instead of leaving you feeling used while harbouring feelings of unworthiness.

Now I want you to think for a few seconds, what one of those three while reading them created a bigger response (an anxious feeling in your stomach, a sudden rush of heat, a feeling of defensiveness) in my body?

This is where you are most out of alignment and are really being called to love that part of yourself.

So my suggestion is to take things slow…

What can you do right now that will improve your life today?

It might be cancelling that night out and instead spend the evening taking care of yourself so you can wake up feeling energised and refreshed (a clue here is when was the last time you stayed in on your own at the weekend and prioritised self care)

It might be asking yourself, is this person I’m spending a lot of time with someone that I would spend a lot of time with if I truly loved myself? and then getting really clear on the truth instead of overthinking the stories you are attaching to that question.

It might be making a commitment to yourself to stop sharing your body with anyone for *insert a timeframe that feels aligned and right for you.

As I mentioned at the start of this, it is absolutely your prerogative to disregard any or all of this, but if any of this has resonated, or made you question your current thoughts or behaviours then I’d love to hear what insights you have had.

But most of all I want you to know that although right now you are struggling, and things feel like they are too much for you, you are loved unconditionally just by being here now, and when you lose sight of that, just reach out to someone that is a permanent in your life, nothing comes close to a cuddle or an I love you from your mum 😊.

Sending you love,

Dan.

Why NOT Getting Over Them Will Help You Get Over Them

So You’ve struggled coming to terms with the break-up and now you have an even bigger mountain to climb………….

Learning how to get over your ex,

^^^ This is where the real work begins!

After the break-up, you spent a lot of time sedating yourself and looking for things that would give you instant gratification, like drink, drugs and food this not only was unhealthy but the real devil was the guilt and shame this vicious cycle brought about.

Sunday afternoon after the night before and reality begins to kick in………..

You sit there dry-mouthed, and spaced out feeling like your life is going down the pan but this time is different, You make a promise to yourself that now you are going to finally take back control of your life and really start focusing on becoming the person you want to be.

For months you have felt as if you are never going to get over your ex, everything you do reminds you of them, you even find yourself doing things and going to certain places in the hope you will bump into them and rekindle what has been lost, if you’re fortunate enough you might even ‘see’ them only to realise that it wasn’t actually them,

But what i’ve come to realise is that,

You’re not going to get over them, and an even bigger realisation I had is (this one is the game changer) that’s it’s ok!

You will still think about them from time to time,

You will still care about them,

Things will still remind you of them,

And you may even still miss them,

But to truly get over someone you have to be ok with the fact getting over someone doesn’t mean you will never think about them again.

See the thing about break-ups is that everyone close to you becomes the expert………

They all think they know exactly what you need to be doing,

Spend time with friends,

Focus on your work,

Sleep with someone else,

But the truth is these are all just distraction techniques, and the fact of the matter is, you need to address your feelings and not hide from them, no amount of socialising, fucking or exercising will help you understand your feelings.

The Swiss psychologist Carl Jung said “what you resist, persists”

So by forcing yourself to get over your ex as quickly as possible you are only hindering the healing process.

You need to allow yourself to grieve, and you should not feel ashamed that you still think about them, because this is all part of the journey to loving yourself again.

You spend the rest of Sunday thinking about the areas of your life you want to improve, and the parts of your personality you want to work on,

After all this is what makes us human and we all have areas we can improve.

Monday morning you wake up and things just feel different, I don’t mean that suddenly everything is now all sunshine and unicorns, but you no longer feel this burning desire to remain loyal to your ‘love story’ that has taken over the last few months of your life.

You are now ready to start focusing on the most important relationship you will ever have…………

The relationship you have with yourself.

I realised that my biggest flaw is that I base my whole self worth around what I have to offer, not just financially although that is a big part, but emotionally as well, I take on peoples problems like they are my own and completely forget about myself in the pursuit of making them happy.

I had to learn that as much as I want to help people, I am not here purely just to save anyone, in fact, none of us need to be saved because we always have a choice,

You can help someone, but you can’t save them.

Now is your time to think about you, what you want from life and focus on the things that excite you.

For me I love writing, reading and going to tea rooms especially by the sea, and now I can do these things whenever I want.

I now have a Thursday Dan date where I wake up and decide what it is I want to do that day, purely just because I want to do it, most dates are focused around the cinema, coffee shops and reading, I’ve been called weird for doing a lot of things on my own but I genuinely love these days now.

Instead of looking at the things in you’re life that you are lacking, I found stripping it right back and investing more time and energy into the things I enjoy and that make me feel good, and less on the exact opposite.

Think about all them things you wanted to do when you were in a relationship, but didn’t because you put their wants before yours, well now is the time to be more selfish and feel ok saying no.

Remember this is now your time to fall on love with yourself again and improve on your flaws, you are not who you were yesterday and tomorrow you won’t be who you are today and this is the beauty of life, we are forever evolving and we can become the person we have always wanted to, if we put in the work and not distract ourselves with instant gratification.

This is going to be really hard and at times you will slip up and fall back into bad habits where that Sunday reality check feeling will plague you, you will get lonely at times and you may even message your ex, but please DO NOT GIVE UP, your future self will thank you.

Become the person that you are proud of every single day, and never forget how amazing you are even with your flaws and mistakes you’ve made!

I want to leave you with a line that i’m sure someone else has said but i’m claiming,

‘I am not single, I am in a committed loving relationship with myself’

 

This is an entry in my journal a few weeks after splitting up, and what i’ve learnt is that it was ME missing Dan, I lost myself but i’m now so proud of the person I am today, I enjoy my life and have so much to be thankful for!

This has all been a necessary part of my journey of self development and for that I am forever grateful.

IMG_3343