First thing I want to say is, change is hard.
Wow what a revelation I know, but I used to be one of those personal trainers, AND humans that would believe that the reason people don’t change when they say they want to, is because they don’t want it enough.
I know, I’m sorry, but if you’ve followed me for a while, you’ll know that I like to be open and honest about my shortcomings, and that belief was definitely one of them!
I want to take you back a few short years ago when I was living in my gym, and using drink, coke and sex as a form of escapism from my painful reality.
I started my blog as my form of therapy as I didn’t want any advice (which is usually what we’re wired to give as humans when someone comes to us with their pain, because we can’t sit with our own pain, so we avoid and try to ‘fix’ other peoples), I just wanted to express and ‘let it out’ as it was too much for me to keep it all in.
A few months after I had been blogging about my struggles and my thoughts and feelings regarding my pain and my desire to ‘be happy,’ I remember being on a night out. I was of course still coked up and pissed,
I had an excuse right?!
And one girl in the pub beer garden said to me ‘oh you’re the guy that writes and posts all the quotes’ I actually remember being surprised that someone I didn’t know, knew me because of what I write about.
It felt great, it validated me, it made me feel like a someone and I wanted more of it!
Each week when I would sit down and write my blog I was excited for the comments and messages of validation that I would get,
I even had someone who I hadn’t seen in a few years stop me walking in to the petrol station and say how much they love my writing,
The validation kept pouring in!
Eventually I became so unhappy with my current situation, that all the validation and the nights of debauchery were no longer giving me what they used to.
It was in that moment that I became aware of the fact that I had created an identity so I could gain acceptance and love.
I had created an identity of a man who is in touch with his emotions and is really trying to get out of a dark place.
But the truth was, I didn’t want to change my life up until that point, because I was actually getting the love and acceptance I have always craved.
Surprisingly or unsurprisingly to some of you, that love and acceptance never really penetrated the wall around my heart I’d built up, which is why after a while that too was not enough.
As much as I was saying I wanted to change, the fear was that what if I change and improve my life and people no longer relate to me, or accept me, or even worse what if they don’t love me.
This was when I stopped blogging for a year or so.
I knew that my intentions behind blogging were exactly what were keeping me stuck, and I needed to find a way to let that identity go, and dive deep inside myself so I could understand who I really was.
See, sometimes we say we want to change, but the reason why we don’t is because the thing that is keeping us stuck where we currently are, is the thing that is giving us the ‘love’ we don’t feel worthy of from others.
The first step to change is cultivating the awareness to recognise that your vice (drinking, smoking, overeating, sex, masturbation) is actually serving you, and you have only adopted that as a way to ‘get through another day’
Gratitude is what is needed here, (that might be hard to embody if you have spent a lot of time hating yourself when you drink, smoke overeat do drugs etc etc so I would highly advise working with a Life Coach to help you see new perspectives, so you can show yourself the love and compassion you need to change) gratitude for the fact that you found something that helped you day to day.
The second step is to create a vision of how you DO want your life to be, that HAS to be a really powerful emotive vision that encapsulates all the feelings you want to feel each day,
“I want to support people in letting go of all their disempowering beliefs they have about themselves, so they can really allow themselves to be loved by another instead of always pushing it away.
The reason I want to do this, is because I have spent too many years hurting myself, and others, because of the fact that I didn’t feel worthy of love.
I will feel really proud of myself everyday, when I wake up and see new opportunities to help others, instead of playing small in life.”
That was what inspired me enough to financially invest in a program to become a coach.
Slowly but surely my behaviours changed, I no longer wanted to go out every weekend and get off my head, I had a bigger purpose for my life!
The more invested in becoming a Life Coach I was, the easier it became to let the old behaviours that were no longer serving me fall away.
It wasn’t coming from a place of ‘I need to change and I need to stop doing x,y,z’ because as we all know that motivation for change never lasts.
You have to dig deep enough, and look at what those unhealthy behaviours are actually giving you, and then find a way to start giving those things to yourself, in a healthy way.
So if you’re;
In a relationship where you are unhappy and anxious everyday, then ask yourself ‘what is this relationship giving me that I could start giving myself?’
Overeating and deeply insecure about your body, then ask yourself ‘what is being overweight giving me that I could start giving myself?’
In a job you hate and feel unappreciated in, ask yourself ‘what is this job giving me that I could start giving myself?’
Usually they will be things like;
A sense of purpose,
Armour to stop people getting too close,
Not having to be alone,
They all stem from a fundamental belief that ‘I am unlovable!’ so we adopt ways to either manipulate ourselves, or manipulate others into giving us what we don’t feel worthy of receiving.
So then the question now would be…
Why am I unlovable?
Once you can unpack all of the reasons why you believe you’re unlovable, and see them from a completely different perspective, you will be able to recognise that they actually aren’t founded in facts.
So then now you can begin to think about all the reasons why you ARE lovable…
Again this may be hard to do on your own, as old beliefs die hard, so I would absolutely say invest in a Life Coach, which by the way, you putting money down is actually a commitment you’re making to yourself to say ‘I know I am worthy!’
From here you can ingrain new beliefs that empower you to start asking for, and going after what you actually deserve, and you will STOP accepting all the crumbs that you are currently settling for.
So yes, change is hard, as it’s often years of unconscious beliefs, creating a reality that victimises you, but with the right support and guidance that change really can become your new reality.
So just to recap;
- When you are at a point in your life where you want to change, ask yourself ‘what am I getting from the situation I’m currently in, that is stopping me from wanting to make that change?’
- Gratitude. Seeing the behaviours you want to change, as something that have actually been serving you up until this point, and recognising that you were only doing your best to navigate each day the only way you knew how.
- Create a powerful vision. Really dive in to how you want your life to look in say a year from now, what feelings do you want to experience each day and why.
- Unpack the fundamental belief of ‘I’m unlovable’ so you can gain new perspectives, and start creating a new reality based on the reasons why you ARE lovable.
- In my opinion this one is absolutely vital… hire a Life Coach because it can be easy to slip back into old habits and ‘let yourself off the hook’ when you don’t feel ‘up to it’, and also because we need to be asked the tough questions that we so often avoid asking ourselves.
If you’re at a point where you are ready for these 5 steps above, then ask yourself, ‘What is really stopping me from making that change and investing in a life coach?!’
Are you worthy of the life and love you’ve always dreamed of…
Rooting for you,