I’ve spent a lifetime trying to bury parts of myself that I believed made me a bad person due to my religious trauma,
Jehovah’s Witness cult for the record.
This trauma had me believe that parts of me were worthy of death and at the age of 11 or 12 that literally put the fear of god in me.
When I stopped subscribing to that religion as a young teenage boy, I didn’t realise just how much these abusive teachings had imprinted on me, and as a result I have gone through my life feeling like i’m 2 separate people,
‘Dan the good guy’
‘Dan the bad guy’
I have found myself fighting so hard to be ‘Dan the good guy’ but at times ‘Dan the bad guy’ has just been too strong, and in those moments all that’s been left is a path of devastation and destruction in it’s wake.
Now if that wasn’t bad enough already, it’s not even close to the damage it ensues on ‘Dan the good guy’
Does ‘Dan the good guy’ even exist? I ask myself, or is he just a character i’ve created to help me live a ‘normal life’
At times i’ve found myself staring in the mirror contemplating whether I am just being used by Satan as a way for him to stick 2 fingers up at god.
Fortunately I now believe in duality, and that god and satan are faces of the same being,
God = higher self
Satan = lower self
But what i’m learning is that intellect means nothing if you haven’t first filtered it through your heart.
That is exactly why my healing journey has brought me to therapy, so I can learn to remove the padlock from the cage where my heart lies, and usher it out into the space where we experience true love, but first that requires safety and a lot of courage to sit in the feelings of ‘Dan the bad guy’ and look through the bars of that cage to see Dan, just Dan, an innocent scared little boy, that feels unworthy of love and who is so desperately crying out for a protector.
I am still struggling to look him in the eyes and just see pure innocence and give him what he needs, because I still blame him for a lot of the heartache and pain I’VE caused, and have experienced in my life so far, and because I still feel like this scared little boy ‘Dan the bad guy’ is constantly trying to goad me.
My journey is now about looking past his outbursts, and trying to understand that he is just a child, and underneath the tantrums is a boy just asking to be loved, and until I learn to love him he will always feel separate to me.
I am learning to invite him back in and promise him that I will never abandon him ever again.
I love you Dan,
I am always here for you even if at times it feels like I have abandoned you again,
I will always love you,
Forever your protector,
P.s. My best friend inviting me in to paradise with her.