STILL learning to love myself

As a man we have an immense amount of pressure to have our shit together 24/7 and this has led us to believe that any time we are struggling with something we have to do whatever we can to look like everything is fine.

We don’t talk to our mates about our struggles, fears and insecurities,

We don’t talk to our partners about our struggles, fears and insecurities,

And we definitely don’t talk to our parents about our struggles, fears and insecurities.

We hold all of this in because we don’t want anyone to see that we are actually human, and being human means that at times we struggle, and at times we need help, but that goes against everything we’ve been indoctrinated to believe that men just get on with it.

In other words, if we stop being a robot, and start being real, then people will see us as a weak unsuccessful man.

I’ve spent 33 years struggling to be human, and any time that I’ve felt like I could do with some help, i either dig my heels in even more and get defensive when people offer me help,

or tell myself I’m a failure and spiral down into a pit of drink and drugs to escape that story I’m telling myself.

What I’m actually learning is that being a man is not based on being an emotionless robot 🤖, in fact it’s the complete opposite!

Being a man is having the courage to be real and own your struggles, put your hand up and ask for help and support others on your way up.

I used to tell myself that ‘real men’ don’t need help, 

‘Real men’ don’t struggle with their emotions (Thankyou to the amazing term ‘man up’),

‘Real men’ have loads of money and fuck like pornstars (Thankyou to the over sexualised music world), 

‘Real men’ swoop in and save women (Thankyou Disney),

I think at every single point in my life I’ve held a belief about what it is to be a man and that ideology is always outside of myself, instead of really connecting to my own masculinity.

I am a kind, caring man who does what he can to help others.

I am also a man that struggles at times and has fucked up and hurt people he loves.

Each year that goes by I know myself a little more, and instead of judge myself for my past shortcomings I am learning to love all of me,

I am learning to love,

32 year old Dan that so wanted to be seen by his girlfriend in a moment of real vulnerability the he ended up hurting her deeply.

28/29 year old Dan that got accused of attempted rape and spiralled down into drink and drugs and as a result left him homeless.

Mid 20 year old Dan that cheated on his fiancée and broke her heart because he was so scared of real intimacy and harboured a lot of shame around sexuality.

Teenage Dan that spent so much of his time trying to be more ‘you’ and less ‘me’ because he just wanted to be liked.

10/11 year old Dan that was told that what he done was wrong and displeasing to God and he needs to be sorry (otherwise God wouldn’t love him).

When I sit back and reflect right now, I just see a boy/man that was trying to be what he thought everyone wanted him to be, or a version of him that he thought would be more worthy of love.

I’ve done a lot of questionable things in my time and they have all been as a result of parts of myself that I’m struggling to love and have been trying to hide.

Men…

I just want you to know that you can keep running and using;

Drink

Drugs

Sex

Masturbation

Gaming

Food

Relationship hopping

Being a doting father 

Work

To avoid those feelings of unworthiness, but I guarantee you, until you stop and actually start looking at it all, and learning to love it all, you will always feel lonely and unfulfilled, because it’s ALL YOU, and you are begging and pleading with YOU to love YOU.

Loneliness isn’t you not having someone externally who understands you and loves you,

Loneliness is YOU not understanding you and REFUSING to love you.

Maybe now is not your time and you’re not quite ready yet but when the time comes and you really feel the pull, use your strength to just surrender and give up running and get the help and support you need and deserve 🙏🏼❤️. 

Men I see you and I’m here for you,

Much love 🙏🏼❤️

Dan.

P.s. ego = ‘what judgements will I get as a result of this photo, it’s not safe to post this, you’re naked on the beach’

My higher self = Dan you’ve just wrote about vulnerability and judgements why are you now projecting you own self judgement?!

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