“Are you ok hun?”
This could either be an invitation for you to drink 3 bottles of prosecco with the girls and slag off men, or run yourself a nice bubble bath while enjoying a glass of wine.
^^^ these seem to be the kaleidoscope of self love.
Sure you can go for a spa day, or follow an insta models booty workout, but none of these are going to help you really learn to love yourself…
Well because self love is something that our society absolutely DOES NOT want you to have!
And guess what, neither do many of the people closest to you, because when you are really choosing to love yourself you will NOT accept shitty behaviour from shitty people, or eventually shitty behaviour from good people.
Now look, I don’t really believe people are shitty or good rather just people, the reason I say that is because it’s so much easier to not tolerate shitty behaviour from people we don’t really care about, than it is to not tolerate shitty behaviour from people we really do care about, but those that really do love you and want to see you thrive, will be rooting for you along your self love journey.
Ok so enough with the self love dramatics and down to what self love actually is…
I believe that self love is the art of choosing YOU in every moment, if that made you crease up and squirm around, then that is proof you don’t believe that you should put yourself first.
You may believe that putting yourself first is selfish and I would 110% agree with you but here’s the thing with selfishness, the negative conatation that selfishness has is again proof that the powers that be do NOT want you to love yourself. Ever heard the analogy “you cannot serve from an empty vessel”
I use the self love as tokens analogy,
Think about a bank account you open as your self love starting point, each time you do something that is in alignment with you loving yourself, you deposit a self love token into your account, every time you do something that is out of alignment with you loving yourself, you withdraw a self love token from your bank account. This bank account doesn’t allow you to go into an arranged overdraft, so if you go into minus you start getting penalised. If your account is in a healthy state then you are able to invest in others, if your account is in an unhealthy state, then you have NO resources to help others.
So we have to make sure that we are always in a positive instead of a minus, and the more you deposit the more you will be able to invest in others.
Now at times you will of course withdraw some tokens, these can be in the form of a night out with friends, drinking too much and indulging in calorific foods, or skipping the gym for a Wednesday night spontaneous date night, and again I believe that is all part of loving yourself, being able to allow yourself to adopt the 80/20 rule of healthy v unhealthy, or as I prefer to see it, supportive to your growth v supportive to your play.
All work and no play, and all that!
But your intention behind everything should come from a place of complete consciousness, instead of ‘I am completely oblivious to anything that is going on in my life’ because when the latter is true, you will find yourself drifting further and further into the realms of the victim, never truly believing you have the power or responsibility to create the life you want, therefore only looking to blame.
Now reading this far might have had you hit the little X in the corner and continue sipping on your G and T with the thought ‘who the fuck does he think he is’ and if that is true, then I can call you an egotistical princess that thinks the world revolves around you, and in which case you need to grow the fuck up HUN!
But if you are still reading then please don’t let that ^^^ girl know what I just said 😉.
Anyway lets continue shall we!
So what areas of your life are direct indicators that you don’t love yourself based on my definition of self love?
- You don’t address any of your partners behaviour face to face because you believe that if you choose YOU then no one will love you.
- You have subscribed to the belief that you have to do that shitty job you hate getting up for every morning, because you have nothing else to offer the world.
- You go out drinking every weekend and beat yourself up every Sunday, telling yourself you’re going to get your shit together on Monday.
- You date arseholes that are jealous, narcissists that initially lavish you with gifts, when really you want their love and time, because you don’t give love and time to yourself.
- You exercise regularly, but sabotage any efforts in the gym with consistent shit choices of food, because ‘you don’t have the motivation to cook healthy’
- You don’t challenge anyone that says something that hurts you, because you are scared that you will come across ‘too sensitive’
This is just the tip of the iceberg, but remember that it wasn’t the tip that sunk the titanic… *really want to insert some perverted humour here regarding the ‘tip’ but I’ll trust you can take that wherever you want it to go 😉!
Now admittedly this can all be quite triggering when reading, or hearing this stuff, but what I’ve learnt and come to understand deeply, is that a trigger is an invitation to curiously lean into and learn something about yourself, and potentially see part of you that is just crying out for some love, and proverbial spooning if you will.
If you’re not in a position to invest 97 love tokens into my 28 day self love female only group coaching programme https://www.facebook.com/DanReaderTheReboundGuy/ then don’t worry sister I’ve still got you…
One of the most simple yet effective tools I’ve got in my box (innuendo central there, please don’t let me down!) is a question I use multiple times a day…
Whenever I’m faced with the thoughts or feelings of ‘I can’t be bothered’ or ‘I don’t want to rock the boat’ I ask myself,
IF I LOVED MYSELF WHAT WOULD I DO?
This question enables you to consciously navigate any situation so you can choose to live in alignment with your deepest values and morals I call this your self love compass.
If there is anything you are really struggling with right now and can’t seem to break free from PLEASE reach out, maybe I can help you or maybe I know someone that can, but either way from my experience when it leaves your mouth you will feel instantly lighter.
This self love ‘stuff’ is fucking hard and is NOT the medias portrayal of bubble baths but that does not mean you can’t handle it because the truth is NOT starting your journey will hurt more in the longrun.
I love you,
But I love ME more!