I’m arresting you on suspicion of attempted rape.
Hi and welcome to ‘The story of Dan’ over the last 3 years.
There has been tears, sex, shame and plenty of sleepless nights but I have arrived at my dining table that me and Charis built (if you haven’t been hiding under a rock then you’ll know that Charis is my amazing girlfriend) feeling full of pride, while I take in the scent of my fig and mulberry candle writing this blog for you right now on the wings of love, and if you can stomach anything quite as cringy as that then I invite you to read on.
After the arrest I felt like I needed to conceal it all through fear of people using the term ‘There is no smoke without fire.’ This fear and shame was something that I held on to for, MY MISTAKE ‘am still holding on to’ because I was actually unsure whether or not to write this blog.
I want to talk to you about how that allegation has been the greatest thing to happen to (now I know it was for me) me but first I want to talk about the shit, because believe you me, it was not all gratitude and blessings.
The allegation was made in May and 3 months later I was arrested. It completely brought me to my knees and I very quickly fell in to a world of self medicating through cocaine, alcohol, porn and one night stands, I was desperately trying to escape the pain I was in.
I had just moved in to my new house, my business was quickly picking up speed and the ‘adult Dan’ was really creating something he was proud of BUT the ‘inner child Dan’ was kicking and screaming.
All I could think about was the loneliness, the pain, the fear and the sadness I was in and it didn’t take long for every area of my life to go up in flames as well.
8 months later I had fell into a pit of over £5000’s worth of debt and had no choice but to move out of my house, give up my cat and move in to my gym, I HAD to make this work and pull myself out of the darkness otherwise moving in to my gym and being in debt would be the least of my worries.
364 days on I receive a phone call from a DC who I had been in contact with (loosely speaking) throughout the whole investigation, lets just say she made it very clear that innocent until proven guilty is not something she agrees with and her whole demeanour resembled that of Miss Agatha Trunchbull.
She went on to say the case has been dropped, the rest of the conversation is in my book I wrote titled Own Your Power And Remain Single. Now I knew that as much as I was in pain and had been suffering for over a year, it was now my responsibility to DO THE WORK, and really begin peeling back the layers to see who I truly was, in order to create who I knew I could become.
The first year living in my gym after that phone call was spent either hunched over a pub toilet while face down in a line of coke or listening to that all powerful voice us men have that inhabits between our legs. When that rolled up £10 note leaves your nostril suddenly that voice becomes louder and louder and if you are looking to escape and seek validation through sex then trust me, that can be a problem.
The funny thing about this scene is it’s highly attractive, and the bells and whistles really are a strong pull, I mean, if you can present me a man that doesn’t love the feeling of power and leading with his cock then I’ll show you a man that still has his washing done for him by his mum.
Once you start to experience more guilt about the way you behaved the previous night and delete every sent message before you can read them back you begin to realise that life is more than drink drugs and sex, said Paul McCartney…
We all know that when you hear them birds starting to sing it’s time to confess your sins as you begin the walk of shame home.
I began pulling myself out of this cycle, and 6 months into the second year after that call from Trunchball things had began changing for me, I was focusing more on my training again, I was turning down the week night sesh and 1 night while out with a load of my clients after an amazing bbq we all had together I sparked up a conversation with a certain girl that really sparked intrigue in me. I obviously fancied her but the fact that we could have a deep conversation on a night out while we were both chucking back shots was something that I instantly wanted more of. I actually wanted to hear what she had to say, I cared about what she had to say and things just felt easy between us.
Now I’m not going to say by the end of the night I didn’t want to sleep with her but what I loved was the fact that she declined without judgement and still wanted to spend time with me, in a weird way that gave me more validation than I ever got from the last 18 months previous.
For almost 9 months of getting to know eachother without zero expectation it hit me…
Maybe it was that sucker punch that all proverbial ‘fuckboys’ (I fucking hate that phrase but hey, that’s a shoe I’ve been told fits so…) experience,
I love this girl, and I want to be in a relationship with her!
A few weeks ago we had our first anniversary and last week we moved 270 miles north to Blackpool, now 3 years ago I could not of believed this would now be my reality, I was in a few grands worth of debt, I was living in a freezing cold gym sleeping on a shitty leather sofa, when I wasn’t coked up and scrolling through hours of Pornhub.
So what was it that changed, how have I managed to land on my feet as it were?
Underneath all the hurt, pain and insecurities was a boy that screaming to be seen and heard, it wasn’t until I spent that last night which little did I know at the time, laying on the sofa in my gym having been out all night and just finished cleaning up… for the third time, that I was ready to finally ‘be better’.
Now I’m not saying that porn, alcohol or coke are bad in fact I’d be more inclined to argue the opposite but everything comes down to intention and when we get real fucking honest with ourselves and our intentions then we can really begin asking the questions that enable us to hold ourselves accountable.
I’ve made some amazing memories in Sudbury with people that will always be in my heart over the past 32 years of my life, and I’m pretty sure Sudbury will always be home to me, but this chapter is now what I call winning, and I get to etch the sentences with that bright light in my life, Charis Dines.
To those I’ve wronged along my journey I am truly sorry, I hope you can find it in your heart to not hold any bad feelings towards me,
To those I’ve helped it’s been a privilege to be able to give you something that no one can take away,
To those I’ve lost, thankyou for your presence and everything that we shared together, gone does NOT mean forgotten,
But most of all Sudbury… thankyou for all the pictures, the memories, the lessons, the friendships, the heartaches and the opportunities, without you I would not be the man I am proud to be today.