Were all prone to view things through a negative self-fulfilling prophecy lens.
Cogito ergo sum – I think therefore I am.
Now I’m not going to try and ‘go all physician’ on you,
- Because I’m not a physician
2. Because there is not enough research conducted on it.
So today I’m going to invite you to go inside, as we can’t go outside and get really curious about your own relational experiences and fears of rejection.
Dating – you might be a serial swiper or more of a POF kinda guy/gal but whatever form of online dating you use I would hazard a guess and say that it eases the ‘pain/fear of rejection’ partly because you have so many other choices but also because you’re not actually having to down a tequila and walk over to said lucky guy/gal and ask to be kicked in the proverbials resulting in the painful walk of shame back to your friends.
In my opinion our lack of dutch courage needed to enter a genuine face to face situation that has the ability to spark up a real conversation with a human being instead of a smartphone screen is taking us away from at its core, personal growth. You might be getting a lot more rejection via a swipe the wrong way but in comparison to a swipe in far greater magnitude of a real life situation you are definitely drawing the long straw.
First 12 months of a relationship – This is the part of the relationship where you are still getting to know your partner and learning who they are and what makes them tick. (obviously you’ve spent some time before getting into this relationship so you can form an educated decision as to whether or not they are worthy 😉) This is also the most vulnerable stage of a relationship, you don’t have any real certainty, you have very little security and this is the minds kryptonite as human beings love certainty, and this first year you will be watching what your partner says and does to decide whether you are safe to remove a layer of armour and let them in, or not.
The caveat to this is if you are not continuing your own personal development such as making your health a priority, keeping up with your own hobbies (to preserve self identity) and making sure you are always curious in regards to your own feelings/triggers etc then your perception of things will get blurred.
Lets say you are currently not feeling particularly good in your own skin, you then notice your partner has liked a couple of pictures on social media and you instantly attach a story of ‘my partner doesn’t fancy me anymore’ to those likes.
Now I hope that as you read this you are confident in your body, but if you’re not then ask yourself the question IS THIS STORY I’VE CREATED AROUND THOSE ‘LIKES’ FACT OR NOT? And then try to take as much responsibility as you possibly can right now for how you currently feel.
^^^ That can be hard because in the moment we want to project how we feel onto our partner and start throwing around blame, but always TRY your best to look inside first and take as much responsibility before you open your mouth.
12+ months into a relationship – You have a sense of security now and if you’ve made it this far then your partner should be your ‘safe place’ but with that being said this can also be the time when if you haven’t watered your ‘relationship garden’ (every part of me wanted to write YOUR LADY GARDEN but you’re not as childish and perverted as me) then your partner could begin to think about how green their neighbours grass is. It’s in these stages of the relationship that rejection could be far more catastrophic, not only do you feel more secure in your relationship but you’ve also began building a life and identity around your relationship. You might be living together, you might have kids together you might even be married if that’s something you believe in (*sidenote I wholeheartedly believe in marriage for the right reasons but that’s another story for another time), so if you start to feel a sense of rejection and you’ve been doing your own work and working on your relationship then this could be for something that is completely out of your control and possibly due to your partner not doing their own work and putting equal amounts of effort into growing the relationship.
The truth is no matter how much time and effort you invest in yourself and your relationship things can still not go the way you want them to or have even planned them to.
Every single one of us are walking this earth as a work in progress and carry our own unhealed traumas and with that being said I’d urge you to always look in the mirror when you feel a sense of rejection instead of making your pain and hurt from a perceived rejection someone else’s problem.
Think about what you can do to grow and step more into your best self, think about how you can be more loving to your perceived rejecter, think about the person you want to be and think how that person would respond/communicate.
Ultimately as hard and as painful rejection is, there are so many variables that come in to play and when you get that intense feeling of rejection and you start questioning your self worth try to take a deep breath and think about what this feeling is teaching you.
Somewhere buried deep inside you is a lesson that is trying to come out, but first you have to be willing to ask yourself the questions that elicit the most uncomfortable feelings and continue to keep leaning into them.
ALWAYS QUESTION YOURSELF!