So part 1 was all about my struggle with expressing myself fully through sex and keeping part of myself hidden behind a mask.
If you’ve followed my blog for a while now you will know that this is exactly how I like to write these 2 part blogs because I feel it’s important to always share my own struggles and experiences first almost as a way of gaining permission to move on to expressing my opinions without coming across as a keyboard warrior that has no clue how the world works, and since, yes i’m blowing my own trumpet here, I feel I have a very good understanding of how the world works my aim is to help you, at the very least look at your struggles and experiences more open-mindedly.
Now i’m pretty sure this blog will ruffle a few feathers and if you suddenly feel a burning desire to kick me in the uncircumcised genitals then please be my guest, remember that whole fetish thing way back when 😉 I may or may not be serious!
One of my favourite quotes is,
“What doesn’t trigger you, doesn’t change you”
So, my aim is to trigger you into action to improve your current situation and be able to live a much more fulfilled life rather than settling for a shitty relationship that you feel trapped in.
Now let’s get into the nitty gritty…
First of all I want to talk about the 4 different kinds of intimacy and why they are important and even vital, not only in a romantic relationship but also your most basic needs as a human being.
- Emotional intimacy
- Intellectual intimacy
- Physical intimacy
- Spiritual intimacy
A relationship can survive without 1 or 2 of these but it will never give you everything you desire from a relationship.
*Bold claim number 1…
You start looking elsewhere when your relationship begins to lose 1 or more of these intimacy needs.
- Emotional intimacy – For me this would come in the form of stability and security, knowing that when I am feeling down my relationship and my partner will provide me with the feeling of safety to fully open up about how i’m currently feeling with no judgement and enable me to ‘get through’ whatever the issue is.
- Intellectual intimacy – Now for me this is probably the most important type of intimacy. I am always reflecting on the things i’ve done who I am and how I can become better and I need intellectual conversation daily, it’s like without it I get VERY bored and if that level of intellect isn’t there for me I can actually get quite frustrated and no longer want to be around that person.
- Physical intimacy – This is a whisker behind intellectual intimacy for me. I love physical intimacy and need a lot of it, I don’t just mean sex but more so just the physical touch of my hand on her leg, a grab of the bum, a stroke of her hair while she’s laying on me, our legs over eachothers while going asleep. I think that the most intimate touch is with hands/fingertips and lips, sidenote* having your finger sucked while having sex is somewhat magical and it really sends tingles down the whole body!
- Spiritual intimacy – Now this is the deepest form of intimacy you can share with someone. My take on this is when you are both aligned with eachothers visions and dreams and whatever they may be you NEVER hold your partner back. This takes true unconditional love to have this tight spiritual intimate bond and is very rare to find as it will almost certainly trigger insecurities in your partner. For instance, your partner wants to go travelling for 6 months and (this obviously applies to BOTH genders but lets use a female) she has asked you what you thought of her leaving her job and going next month. This has been a life long dream of hers well before meeting you but your initial response is that of narcissism and you turn it into ‘what about me’ if you have spiritual intimacy and unconditional love you may still feel that tummy churning ‘what about me’ reaction but you will support her unconditionally to fulfilling one of her dreams.
If you look at these subjectively you can certainly relate to why your past relationships have broke down.
Now i’m going off on a bit of a tangent here but as males we can have sex with virtually anyone just to fulfil that physical need, females on the other hand predominantly need or definitely prefer to have one of the other 4 intimacies met and are far less likely to just sleep with a stranger for a quick orgasm.
So what am I getting at here?
Newsweek estimates that 15-20% of couples are in a sexless marriage. studies show that about 10% of the married population below age 50 have not had sex in the past year and about 20% report only having sex a few times a year under the age of 40.
Now these statistics are shocking as it’s one of our basic needs but what I am questioning is why do some relationships end up like this,
First of all lets remove the bullshit excuse of we haven’t got time, because come on seriously a spontaneous quickie can be just as exciting as a long drawn out romantic night of endless passion, you do have time and here is the reason that you are choosing to not have sex with your partner.
This is in regards to monogamous relationships where both of you are physically and mentally able.
Blokes, as much as we want to be able to just pull our partners panties down and have our 3 minutes of fun sadly this will only be possible when your partners intimacy needs in the relationship are being met.
If you’re not there for your wife/girlfriend emotionally, intellectually and/or spiritually then why do you expect her to be there for you physically…
Remember a relationship is 2 sided and if one of you isn’t get one of your needs met then the other will start to shut down and not be willing to meet one of your needs, try and look at intimate relationships as a set of scales and if one side is getting more than the other then the relationship isn’t going to be balanced and therefore to balance it back out you both start refusing to take care of the others persons intimacy needs leaving the relationship empty.
My advise is to take some time out this week to really think about who you are and what you want, DON’T think about your partner, your kids, your family just think about what YOU want.
If your relationship is lacking 1 or more of these intimacy needs then you really need to address this and NOT bury your head because you have kids, a home, bills to pay, etc etc
We are all on our way out so we might as well live the best life we can!
I want to end this with something for you to think about,
If we look at all of our intimacy needs from the list of 4 above and we view cheating as getting your physical intimacy met by someone else outside of the relationship, then what about if you start choosing to get the other 3 intimacy needs met by someone out of the relationship?
^^^ Devils advocate.
Hope you’ve enjoyed this read and i’d love to hear your thoughts.