I suppose i’ve been wanting to write this blog for a while but as my coach says,
“We’re never ready until we’re ready”
I want to start off by letting you all in on one of the real reasons I write my blog, and why I am more than happy to share it with whoever stumbles across it.
Ok, so the first blog I wrote was a hugely emotional representation of the hurt I was feeling in the hope that my ex would stumble across it in some corner of the internet just like you have,
The more I began to look inside myself and be brutally honest with why I do certain things, it became evident that i’d been wearing this mask in a botched attempt to disable my deepest form of self expression.
I’ve been carrying a little shame but mainly fear that if I share who I truly am I would lose those close to me.
I talk about sex a lot, and I think about sex a lot, but this isn’t just because I have a high sex drive, this is because I want to get rid of all the stigma surrounding sex particularly self expression and fetishes (suppose they could fall under the same bracket) and give others the courage and enable you to give yourself permission to fully express who you are without fear.
As we all know there are very few absolutes in life so everything I share are just my opinions based on my experiences.
Now let me take you back to my first relationship when I was 22…
We were together 6 years, she was my first love and even to this day we still care about eachother a lot.
Truth is I never ever showed her who I truly was, I showed her the parts of me that I loved but anything that I was a little unsure about or thought she couldn’t handle I kept hidden through fear of losing her.
I have a fearless adventurous side in all areas of my life, and HATE, to the point where I cut people out of my life, those that put limitations on things, but when it comes to rejection I think we all have this huge fear that we continue to feed so it actually grows into something that really becomes an issue.
Now i’m not one for what you would call ‘vanilla sex’ not that their is anything wrong with that if that’s your thing but neither was I ready to openly ‘bare all’ and potentially be rejected.
So I done what us humans do and buried my head (I mean in the sand, not between her legs)
I lived in fear that if she ever saw that side of me I would lose her and I really DID NOT want that!
Porn became a bit of an addiction for me and a way that I could express myself judgement free, but of course this is not what porn should be used for, in fact I often think we substitute things in order to actually address the real issue.
The more I think about intimacy and why we all crave it so much but very few get the real genuine connections we are looking for is because just like me you too are afraid of ‘baring all’ and taking off the mask.
Intimacy is really about standing in front of your partner while you’re carrying all these different bags of things we would call ‘issues’ and them looking in to your eyes and telling you ‘I SEE YOU, AND I STILL WANT YOU’
In reality this is all we want, we want to be accepted for who we truly are instead of living in fear and keeping parts of ourselves hidden from our loved ones in case they get up and leave.
This was literally the biggest breakthrough i’ve had which is why now I am so open about everything and actually have received comments like ‘maybe you shouldn’t put that out there’ or under the radar comments aimed at me by people that must think i’m stupid 😉 ‘why do people share so much on social media,’
Well let me tell you right now…
If you feel the need to water down your personality or hold back on expressing yourself in hugely important areas of your life such as sexually then you are setting yourself up for a very bitter unhappy unfulfilled life and you only have yourself to blame!
My personal reason for cheating was because rejection from someone you don’t love is an easier pill to swallow than rejection from that one person you want to be accepted by.
Start showing up as your true self and those who are meant to be in your life will naturally gravitate towards you and those that aren’t will drift away.