I wanted to explore a concept that baffles me time and time again every single time i’m faced with it,
I like to call this the people pleaser syndrome.
None of us like to hurt people intentionally and will even at times ignore our own wants and needs through fear of someone being displeased by a decision that doesn’t suit them unless of course you have zero empathy, fall into the category of a psychopath and your aspirations are to be just like the man, the legend Adolf Hitler <<< sarcasm level 101%.
Now let me put this into some real life context for you before my mind wanders down that rabbit hole of sociopaths, psychopaths and Satan worshippers.
Lets say you have recently made the decision to stop doing cocaine because you realise that some of the worst decisions you have made are a result of being face down in that white powder with a £10 note up your nose.
Now you know that your decision making is completely in your control when you are sober, but add some tequila, Strongbow dark fruits or Prosecco (if you are a proud owner of a vagina or are gender fluid) into your bloodstream and this becomes a whole new conversation if you’re fortunate enough to not of bypassed the should I shouldn’t I stage.
Your friends birthday is a few days away and you know this means going out and getting drunk and disorderly and you will without a doubt become victim to some shocking decisions after being face down in that substance that makes you believe you are untouchable.
Now they come out for your birthday a couple of months ago and you tell yourself it’s only right I should go out for theirs even though you know the things you are going to be getting up to are the opposite of what you promised yourself you were going to do.
This is where this people pleaser syndrome comes into play…
Do I break the promise I made to myself and do the things I no longer want to do,
Do I speak to my friend and just mention that i’m not going to be coming out drinking but we can go for a bite to eat and i’ll pay when you’re next free,
It takes a very strong person to not follow the crowd and most of us will choose to go out and justify it by telling ourselves, it’s only once and it is their birthday, i’m not hurting anyone,
In actual fact making promises to yourself and then breaking them every time a difficult decision that will potentially upset someone comes along is hurting YOU and if you are so easily willing to hurt yourself then why do you get so upset when someone else hurts you?
I think this people pleaser syndrome comes about because we are all looking for instant gratification and can’t handle when we feel bad ourselves by delaying instant gratification for long term gain.
You can’t go out for dinner and choose a lower calorie option when everyone else is eating burgers and pizza because you don’t want to feel left out, but you’re more than happy to over indulge knowing that this is going to be far worse for you in the long term.
You can’t have a year without a holiday and invest that money into that course you want to do even though you know that a week abroad isn’t going to help you start a new career but yet you will still go away and get back to the same shitty job with that arsehole boss you always moan about.
You can’t be single for a while even though you know that jumping from relationship to relationship is only bringing you more unhappiness in the long term because you’re just getting with anyone that shows you a bit of attention because you feel lonely on your own.
You are not willing to feel bad yourself in the short term which is exactly why you are so scared of upsetting others based on a promise you have made to yourself that is all about improving your life and requires the delaying of instant gratification.
2019 for me is going to be about doing more things that I want to do that will bring me more fulfilment and a much more meaningful life rather than worrying about upsetting others.
Think about the decisions you are faced with every day and decide if you are making them based on what you actually want to do or if you are just choosing the easier instant gratification decision so you don’t upset someone.