This time last year I was just about to turn 30, I had always been scared about turning 30, because as a young boy I thought that this was the age that you just have your shit together,
In a secure, loving relationship/marriage,
The list goes on…
In actual fact NONE of these boxes were ticked and in all honesty the exact opposite was true!
Firstly I went through a really shit breakup the end of august, just as i’d got the keys to a new home, now going through a breakup can be bad enough (my first blog was titled the reality of a breakup) but the hardest thing about it wasn’t even the break up itself, but something surrounding it that left me broken <<< the expression my sister used after i’d turned up on her doorstep one night off my head (I go into more detail about this in my book which i’m aiming to complete by early March).
Secondly having to give up my house 8 months later, from having my best month at the start of August financially and things really starting to grow, to being a few grand in debt, not coping emotionally and trying to hold everything together with my business, and show up everyday with a smile on my face, it eventually got the better of me, but being the stubborn fucker I am, instead of choosing to give up my business and letting down all my clients I left my house, lost most of my deposit as i’d terminated the contract early, gave Simba to my mum <<< that was probably the hardest decision as he’d been there with me from the first week I moved into my house, and decided to move back into my gym, i’d been here before when I sold my car and moved out of my house when I first got the keys so I could put my money into the gym, but this time it felt like failure.
I was really struggling moving back into my gym and felt so embarrassed, ashamed and unsuccessful in every area of my life, especially when week after week my phone would be ringing to pay bills, and go through the embarrassing conversations of setting up payment plans which I still couldn’t afford, but was the minimum they would allow so it was something else that I just had to make work although had no fucking clue how.
Over the course of a year after the breakup, moving back into my gym and trying to pay off bills while struggling to feed myself, my escape had been drink, drugs and sex, spending money I didn’t have to wake up next to someone in the morning so I didn’t feel so alone to say it was rough was an understatement, and if I didn’t have my gym and my clients I truthfully believe that I would still be in that same vicious cycle now because they gave me a purpose to continue, trying to break out of it, and not just surrender myself to ‘this is now my life and i’ll never achieve anything’
I would say the last 3 months have been the happiest i’ve been in a long time, i’m no longer isolating myself, i’m allowing myself to feel again, I genuinely no longer care about being judged as I know that they are only looking at a mirror and not me and it’s nothing personal, I no longer feel like I have to weight train to be liked by others, I do it because I love myself enough to look after my body, I have started writing a book about emotions and masculinity based on my life experiences, I have started volunteering for a local mental health charity each week, i’m exploring new things in all areas of my life and refuse to remain stagnant and ALWAYS challenge myself.
I had a dream that when I turned 30 I would not only have everything in my life ‘together’ but that I would also be turning 30 in New York while it’s snowing and just being at peace with my life and the world,
But in actual fact my 30th year on this earth taught me so much more than I could of ever imagined,, and for that I will forever be eternally grateful, I wouldn’t of learnt to REALLY love myself, I wouldn’t of found this love for writing again like I had when I was a young boy and I wouldn’t of felt like I was worthy of helping out with a mental health charity.
My 30th year will always be the year that I look back and see the start of a huge level of growth and a massive transformation taking place that had me shed the old sabotaging layers of myself that were no longer serving me, and stepping into this new life that is ahead of me,
Dan, welcome to your 31st birthday!