Before you go any further you have to promise to not take pity on me or feel sad or upset for me because I share these blogs with you because it’s ‘my thing’, my therapy, and my way of putting my vulnerability out in the world, to hopefully show you that it’s ok to feel,
And any other emotions you might currently be feeling, and by no means should you have to cover these up, and shy away from sitting in these emotions, because these are an important part of who you are, and if you don’t allow yourself the time to just feel these emotions when they come through you, then you will never truly understand why you are feeling them in the first place, and learn exactly what you need to learn in order to become the person you want to be.
Take the time you need to be alone, and reflect on who you are, and who you are striving to become, but NEVER, EVER try to cover up your vulnerabilities, because they are what make you unique and perfectly imperfect.
So these last couple of weeks i’ve made a promise to myself to stop acting in a way that takes me further away from the person I want to be, this has made me realise how much i’ve been letting myself down, a lot of the guilt and shame i’ve felt has been my battles with knowing i’ve let others down, but finally, I have got to a point where I am now thinking about myself first, and it has come with a huge sense of empowerment and relief, a huge deep breath in, standing up tall, and holding eye contact at all times, but at the same time a massive deep breath out, and drop of the shoulders like that weight has just been lifted.
Lastnight myself my brother and ‘Abigail’ (if you follow my blog you will know who Abigail is) decided in the spur of the moment to go for a couple of drinks for my brothers birthday weekend, before ordering a curry and going back to theirs to chill out and indulge in our favourite Indian dishes.
It was so nice to be out and just be able to enjoy a few drinks with the ‘odd’ sambucca (eye roll in Abigails direction) and just chat without the want or need to get completely intoxicated and wake up the next morning with that gut wrenching feeling of anxiousness and regret while scrambling for your phone to check your sent messages.
With a belly full of curry, fermented apples and sticky ginger (again one of my favourites, mind out the gutter) gluten free cake I was feeling a little sleepy and rather than get a taxi I was thrown my nephews duvet and pillow to cosy up on the sofa with.
After they went to bed I began reflecting on my life over the past few years.
I began to have this sense of loneliness come over me I began speaking to one of my friends who the other day I had a very similar conversation with but this time it was my turn to hear some words of wisdom to help me see things for what they really are.
Halfway through our conversation my battery died and I didn’t have my charger with me so I had no choice but to put my phone down and roll over and go to sleep with nothing but my thoughts.
I woke up feeling a little dry mouthed but otherwise pretty good so after getting up and throwing the duvet and pillow back upstairs and saying bye I put my shoes on and left.
As I was driving home I knew that today I needed to be on my own, I needed a Dan date day and although I had plans for work stuff to be done I had to spend time reflecting on why I am feeling like this.
I got home got showered and dressed necked a protein shake and went out the door to begin the 30 minute drive to the cinema.
I had heard a lot of very good things the day before from a friend who had told me i’d love it and it made her sob like a little girl, this was exactly what I needed and I knew if it made her cry then i’d need to sit as far away from everyone as possible in the cinema because nobody wants to hear a 30 year old man whaling and sniffling in his seat.
5 minutes into the film I knew straight away that this was going to hit me like a ton of bricks, music, passion and a love story now this had the foundations of a very very good film.
without giving too much away, from the moment he met her he was addicted, he knew that she was special and he very quickly became besotted with her.
To find someone that sees the magic inside of yourself that you struggle to see is beautiful and one of lifes blessings, he believed in her SO much and gave her the confidence to step into her greatness so she could share her message to the world all while knowing that he was always there to hold her hand and never let her fall.
She was very close to forgetting who she truly was when the fame really hit her but after a big row and him telling her what she needed to hear and not what she wanted to hear you could sense that she no longer wanted the fortune and fame and this false image that she had become as it was beginning to take her further away from the most important thing they both had,
Unconditional love for eachother.
This film literally made me feel so many different emotions but yes she couldn’t of been more right when i’d been told i’d love it.
I’d spent almost 2 hours sat in the corner of the cinema crying my eyes out, the type of tears that feel as if they are coming from deep within your soul.
Now my life is good but at the minute I am going through what the guru’s and life coaches would describe as ‘a period of growth’
I have days when I feel on top of the world like nothing can touch me, i’m the most confident i’ve ever been, I know what I want but more importantly I know exactly who I am.
Then I have days like today when I have feelings of immense earth shattering loneliness where I just want to be on my own crying all day.
I often think on days like today how broken I am and have so many thoughts of selling everything I have and moving away to start a new life and maybe bump into my Ally (you must go and watch A star is born)
I often try and remember how it feels to be in love and when I see couples and watch films like today that have these love stories not only does it make me happy but it also reinforces the fact that I am lonely.
My thing now is I want to attract the best most amazing relationship into my life and to do this I need to become the person who deserves this and work hard addressing the ‘flaws’ I have so I can not only be immensely proud of who I am but also become someone that is able to inspire and support ‘her’ to achieve her dreams just like Jackson did with Ally.
For me I know to do this and really become that person I need to take myself away from certain things, places and even people which is one of the hardest things to do because these people are friends and I do not want them thinking i’m abandoning them but again I also understand that if they care about me they will respect why I am doing this and not take it personally.
I am by no means searching, i’m not on dating sites (not that there is anything wrong with them) and I am not pursuing anyone romantically because for me I know that when it’s my time that person will enter my life and it will just naturally fall into place.
I’ve only ever been in love twice and both have been very different but taught me things about myself that I am hugely grateful for,
I just want to say to you…………..
If you are going to bed alone tonight wandering what is wrong with you and why no one wants to be with you just remember that when you try to hard to be in a relationship you’re not going to be attracting the type of person that is going to love you unconditionally and look into your eyes at night while you’re laying in bed together and make you feel so safe and secure because until you become the type of person that you love and are proud of why would you attract someone into your life that will do that for you?!
Now I may be getting into bed tonight feeling lonely and maybe even wishing that someone was there with me I will by no means feel unworthy and unloved because this is my time to become that person that is going to attract my forever girl and relationship and I am not going to settle because of loneliness.