I’m sure you’ve all heard this phrase before, usually from someone who has been cheated on, saying this to a friend who has just been cheated on because they have an emotional bias which is not allowing them to look at this objectively.
Ironically this phrase is also used by those people that are under the opinion that hiding anything from a partner is cheating,
but let me explain to you the biggest flaw in this…………..
Whether right or wrong we are all guilty of trying to manage our partners emotions and feelings on a daily basis.
Say you get a text from someone that your partner doesn’t like, but you do, and the only reason they don’t like this person is because they feel threatened by them, although they won’t tell you this is the reason, they will say something along the lines of ‘he doesn’t just want to be your friend, he wants to get in your knickers’ or ‘I know what shes like, she’s a slag’ do you tell your partner you have received a completely innocent text knowing full well this will cause an argument,
Or do you hide it from your partner as they are in the wrong for feeling this way towards them and they need to manage their insecurities????
Well if you chose to hide it from them then i’m afraid you are a cheat, and what do we already know to be true about this situation………
Yep you guessed it,
Once a cheat always a cheat.
The dictionaries definition of the word cheat is ‘to act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage’
I personally think it all comes down to your intention and only you know what that is.
Now I want to take a look at the reasons that people cheat and why sometimes people that are in happy relationships aren’t always monogamous.
The more i’ve questioned my own personal relationships the more i’ve went in search of answers,
I stumbled across Esther Perel who is a psychotherapist and relationship expert whose opinions have really made me become so much more open minded to my once blinkered views on relationships.
Now for some people they will cheat because they aren’t happy in their relationship, but do not have the courage to end it before seeking out some form of affection from someone else.
Some people may also want to see if the grass is greener just out of curiosity, curiosity is a very powerful emotion.
Maybe a ‘cheater’ will find themselves in need of excitement and the thrill that they just aren’t getting in their everyday life and relationship.
Cheating can also happen when someone doesn’t feel they can explore their sexual desires with their partner, and with an almost stranger where there are no deep rooted emotions they can be who they want to be.
A lot of people will assume that the reason behind infidelity is actually just lust and lack of self control, although this can be the case, I would argue that someone in a relationship they don’t want to end, risking this decision being taken out of their control, is due to a much much deeper reason and not just the physical release.
Esther goes on to say that she has coached a lot of couples that are struggling to see a way past infidelity in the relationship,
Now this is something that I did not expect to hear especially from a woman,
Are you willing to lose someone who is amazing in all other areas of your relationship that has made a mistake and has held their hands up and asked to be forgiven and try and work through it??
There is no right or wrong answer here but here are a few things I would have you consider,
- Do you still love them and are they good to you, look after you and make an effort in the relationship?
- Can you forgive to the point that you won’t keep bringing it up every time you have an argument?
- Will it make you act differently towards them and your relationship?
- Do you want to learn to trust them again?
- Is the relationship worth saving?
Now after someone has cheated in the relationship their will be a lot of emotions all over the place not just from the person who has been cheated on but also the person who cheated,
some of these are;
And if you’re really going to work through this you need to both understand that it’s going to take time and it will be hard work but as long as you are both strong and are putting in 110% effort to get to that point then there is absolutely no reason why you have to end the relationship.
Infidelity can make a relationship such a rollercoaster but as long as you both open up completely and vulnerably without any masks on and can listen to eachother then just because a friend of yours ended a relationship because they’d been cheated on DO NOT feel like you have to do the same thing,
Trust your gut and do what you feel is right for you and your relationship whether that means parting ways or working through it.