This has to be one of the hardest blogs i’ve wanted to write, but I really hope it helps you come to terms with this if you are currently going through it or have been through it.
I almost took the easy route and was going to write this objectively, but the reason I love writing this blog and I think you enjoy reading it is because, i’m so open, honest and vulnerably raw that it so much more personal, which means you relate to it on a much deeper level.
So here goes,
Phone on airplane mode,
I want to take you back a few years to when I was in a relationship, my first relationship and my first love.
Now if you know me or regularly read my blog you will know that I am a soppy, hopeless romantic, who cries over every rom-com and love story,
Seeing couples madly in love makes me happy, I suppose because it’s everything I want.
I was in my early 20’s no older than 22, and i’d fallen in love with a girl I could see my whole future with, kids, marriage family holidays, Sunday morning breakfasts around the kitchen table laughing and joking with the kids, before going out to feed the ducks while the roast chicken cooks,
I told you, soppy.
We were best friends, we’d have our weekend routine that both of us would look forward to all week,
Friday night would be a film and an indian takeaway,
Saturday night would normally be fajitas couple of drinks and x-factor,
And Sunday would be a nice lay in, followed by a cooked breakfast, then a roast dinner at our favourite pub The Lamarsh Lion,
These are the things you take for granted, and when they are gone you wish you appreciated them even more at the time.
On the outside looking in it would appear that everything was perfect or as perfect as a relationship can be,
Sure we had our ups and downs but we always got through them because we loved eachother and wanted to be together forever,
Actually that was kind of our saying,
together forever, and I bought her a charm for her Pandora bracelet that said exactly that.
But deep inside of me I had this demon or what I thought was a demon at the time trying to work its way to the surface,
It’s only been the last couple of years that it wasn’t a demon or anything to be ashamed of inside of me it was and is just me.
So how when everything was so good and I loved her so much did I cheat on her???
You may or may not know about my childhood and how I always struggled with confidence,
I was also brought up as a Jehovah’s witness which also gave me a lot of issues exploring my sexuality and desires.
As a 21, 22 year old lad I still wasn’t overly confident in the bedroom, don’t get me wrong I could have normal sex vanilla sex as I call it but actually having the confidence to express my deepest desires with someone that I loved was something I just couldn’t do.
Before being in a relationship i’d go out and the weekend getting drunk and sniffing coke and for me this is why I have spent years working on my self confidence because I didn’t want to feel like I needed to alter my state of mind with drink drugs to be able to fully express myself.
My biggest fear was sharing my sexual wants and desires with her and being laughed at or told I was disgusting and then losing her and what we had ‘just’ because of sex.
After about 5 years into our relationship having built my confidence up and starting my own personal training business I began to fantasise more and more about these things to the point where my phone was used just as much for porn as it was contacting friends and family.
The turning point in our relationship was when one of us had to start speaking to a therapist about anxiety and depression.
For me sex is not just physical it’s when I feel most loved and when you can both be at your most vulnerable and still feel so comfortable its one of the best feelings ever.
If you’ve suffered with anxiety or depression you will know that physical contact and sex are probably not something that is going happen very much if at all.
At first it started out as someone to talk to but very quickly it became apparent that we had a genuine connection.
I no longer felt like I had to be the Dan in his early 20’s I could be present Dan and this was so freeing.
One day one thing led to another and in that moment I didn’t feel like that boy in school who was scared of being himself in front of girls, I didn’t feel like I had to hold back and I wasn’t scared of being judged.
Now this come with a shit load of feelings I had to deal with and try to understand how the fuck I have just done what I did.
I had cheated on the girl I loved and would literally do anything for and as amazing as I felt at the time the guilt would become the only winner.
I had so many emotions and feelings that were eating me up but at the same time it become an obsession.
I wanted to tell her what i’d done but I knew how much it would hurt her, I don’t like lying but Now I had created an even bigger demon inside me,
When it all come out as it always does I felt so ashamed and just wanted to hide away, I remember one of the last times I saw my ex who I still loved and just how much pain she was in and knowing that i’d caused that was one of the hardest things i’d ever seen,
My best friend and girlfriend was broken and it was all because of my actions.
The relationship ended and as time went on I had to speak to someone to help me deal with the guilt of what i’d done and really try to forgive myself,
I still don’t think i’ve fully forgiven myself and not sure if I ever will but all I can do is learn and remember to always be true to myself.
Something that has been a huge realisation for me is that when you are not fully showing up as your true self you are only stopping people in your life getting to know and love the real you,
Yes it’s scary being open. honest and vulnerable but would you rather hide a part of yourself from the world through fear of rejection or would people getting the know and love the real you be worth that risk???
This blog is by no means me trying to condone what I did but rather just to share my own personal experience before my next blog part 2.
So if you are currently going through this i’d just urge you to take a step back and really think about what the best decision is for you, your future self will thank you as soon as you start being true to yourself.
Picture taken at my favourite spot to plan my blogs :).