30th April Journal Entry

Sitting in a local pub with podge and abi (my brother and his mrs, for those of you that wouldn’t know who this is or haven’t read my first blog) Saturday night talking about relationships and having kids,

It got me thinking the next day…………..

What i’ve realised is, I get lonely, not that often because I love my own space, company and independence,

But………..

I’ve created an environment that keeps me ‘safe’ because i’m scared of actually meeting someone and falling in love again, so instead i’m going out at the weekends to ‘connect’ with people, but in a way that doesn’t actually involve genuine connections with people on any sort of meaningful level that could potentially leave me vulnerable.

I’ve been telling myself that I don’t think I want kids because i’m choosing to focus on the negatives I see and hear from parents rather than looking at all the positives that family life brings.

I used to love having days out as a family with me and my ex and her daughter and that is something I have always wanted but because that broke down i’ve created a story that i’m living out because i’m scared to get hurt.

I love seeing families together, husbands and wives in love and their children enjoying life.

If i’m completely honest with myself i’m scared a lot of the time.

  • What if i’m not doing enough for other people and don’t actually deserve the things I want?
  • What if I don’t actually have that sort of love in me to give out again?
  • What if I can never actually move on fully and keep pushing people away?

All I know is,

I can’t keep pushing people away through fear and sooner or later these walls and this mask need to go,

Maybe I am ready to let go of the past and take that first step.

 

 

So after writing this in my journal a few days ago i’ve really thought about the possibility of falling in love again and as much as it feels scary and strange and a little unnerving it is also exciting, ultimately we all want to find that person we just connect with on the deepest level and can share your life with, but how many of us are actually showing up as our true selves?

When you go on a date do you try to put on a different persona to come across more attractive?

When you’re in a relationship do you show up authentically and vulnerably?

How much of your day do you actually show up as YOU?

I would imagine it isn’t very high and ultimately you are attracting the type of people in your life that really don’t have a place and potentially deflecting away the people that should be in your life.

Is it a coincidence that the more I show up as the real me, the happier my day to day life is?

Remember, everything you have in your life at the minute is because of a choice you have made,

Consciously

Or

Subconsciously.

Don’t be afraid to show up as the real you especially when it comes to dating or meeting someone romantically, because the pain of a break up is a lot worse than the fear of rejection from basically a stranger that you are not yet emotionally attached to.

I’m going to leave you with a quote, unfortunately i’m not sure who said it though,

“What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful. There’s a word for it, Authentic”

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