Over the last 6 months or so i’ve made it my mission to drastically reduce the amount of people I spend time with, an opt for stronger, more meaningful connections rather than those type of nothing, pointless relationships.
Yesterday I went for a coffee, and of course this had to be accompanied by cake in the most English of tea rooms, that had that sort of war time feel, not that i’m patriotic at all but I do love this part of English culture.
We spoke about all the things that I love to talk about,
And a number of other things while trying to piece together my crumbling gluten free apple and cinnamon scone, which I learnt is pronounced scon, and not scone, which I was trying to be reserved about the fact that this makes me happy and not a commoner because I have always pronounced it scon.
What became apparent was the people I now have in my life are very much on the same wave length as me, none of them want to just settle for mediocrity, none of them want to conform to societies norms, and they all inspire me to strive to become the best version of myself.
When I got home I made myself chicken and rice, because man can’t live on cake alone, although I have often tried when i’m feeling extra emotional, and I sat there continuing to think about my life and what I want from it.
Thursdays are my ‘Dan date’ day where I always have cake coffee and go to the cinema, of course I didn’t want to let Dan down (something i’ve really been working on is keeping the promises I make to myself) so I quickly washed the dishes and began to make my way to the cinema.
For me this isn’t just about going to watch a film, I like the drive to the cinema because its time for me to get away from the noise and have time just to think and reflect, normally on the direction my life is going, and whether or not I need to make any adjustments, as you can imagine this opens the flood gates and the 30 minute drive is never long enough, suddenly I have far more ‘problems’ than I thought I did.
After the chat me and (for the purpose of this blog lets call her Jen) Jen had earlier on, it really made me think about the things I’m missing in my life when it comes to that one very specific relationship.
Normally I love going to the cinema on my own, but lastnight I was so much more aware of the fact that I was on my own, and every other person in there was with someone.
Unfortunately the film was a bit of a disappointment, which upset me a little as it had Martin Freeman in, and he’s one of my favourite actors.
Walking out of the cinema I kind of felt a little anxious, like people were looking at me walking out on my own, which is something i’d never felt before, blokes were waiting for their girlfriends to finish in the toilet, couples were walking out laughing and joking holding hands and then there was me looking down at my phone wanting to get out of there as quick as possible and into the ‘safety’ of my car.
What is the one thing we always do when we are feeling down………….
Yep, we decide to do things that will make us feel even more down and upset,
It’s like going through a break up and putting on all the films and songs that you know will make you feel that much worse,
What’s that all about?!?!?!
So I decided to turn to my left and look in the restaurant as I was leaving the cinema just so I could see all the happy couples enjoying ‘date night’
Yeah I know, stupid fucking idea, but this hit me harder than when Jack said to Rose,
“Winning that ticket was the best thing that ever happened to me, it brought me to you and i’m thankful for that, Rose.”
Who doesn’t love Titanic!
Jack felt the type of love that made him feel alive even when he was just about to die.
Seeing them couples enjoying eachothers company and smiling and touching eachother although it brought a little lump to my throat also made me happy because as I always say,
life is about connections.
As I got to the ‘safety’ of my car and I began driving home, it made me think about what being in love feels like, and although I miss it, I am always worried that i’m so guarded that I don’t know if I will ever be able to feel like that again.
We know that like attracts like, which is why I have people in my life now that I enjoy spending time with, but it also makes me realise that I will never have a relationship with someone that openly loves me as much as i’ve loved in the past, because i’m no longer capable of feeling that type of love and putting it out there.
Just like in all areas of my life I won’t settle but my biggest fear is now,
Am I capable of loving someone that much again?!?!?!
No relationship is without it’s problems, i’m not naive about that, and I know it’s not all about picnics and making love under the stars, but the funny thing about love is that it’s success rate when it comes to love in romantic relationships is so low, yet we are all willing to give it another shot.
I think love is a lot like an apple product, lets say it’s an Iphone, after the phone is made it gets put through quality control to make sure there is no issues with it that could hurt the consumers, when they are happy that it is safe they start flooding the market.
Unfortunately they can still get damaged, the screen can still smash and the battery can stop working but the owners can decide to get it fixed, live with the cracks or throw it away and get a new one.
Ultimately we all want an iphone but how we choose to treat it determines how long it is ours for.
The question i’m struggling with is when do I know if it’s time to get a new iphone or not, I clearly miss things about it but i’m also scared of getting them cracks in the screen and not being able to repair them.
Those of you going through tough times in your relationship at the minute, take a step back and ask yourself why did I fall in love with her or him in the first place and you may begin to realise that all the ‘noise’ is just that, a distraction from the bigger picture and ultimately the person you have infront of you that loves you and wants to make you happy,
Do you want to make THEM happy?!?!