The Curse Of The Positive Memory Syndrome

Why the fuck do you write these blogs?

(Well Natalie, firstly fuck you)

Well Natalie i’m very pleased you asked,

I think in life we get so caught up in the things we should do, like work, changing nappies, going to the gym, pursuing financial goals, that we forget to do things for no other reason than pure enjoyment,

Whether it’s playing video games,

Going for a kickabout up the field,

having a regular day catching up with the girls, gossiping about the new guy that has flagged up as an arsehole,

reading a book,

And for me, writing.

Writing is something that chills me out, and gives me a sense of freedom to express exactly how i’m feeling, for no other reason, than just getting it out of me, and onto my laptop screen with no expectation or fear of judgement,

Until……………

It came to writing this blog!

So I sat at my desk yesterday, opened my laptop, and loaded up my wordpress site………..

I sat there for over an hour trying to figure out a way to write a blog about missing someone, but not giving away the fact that I am actually missing someone,

Yes, you guessed it, it’s that fucking black widow again.

Did you know that their venom is considered one of the most poisonous, and although won’t necessarily kill a human it’s said that you will feel the effects long after the bite.

^^^ Very fitting!

And of course Scarlett Johansson mmmmmmmmmmmm I can’t wait for Avengers Infinity War in a couple of weeks!

So after not writing a single thing and not getting my blog out on blog day, I received a message from a friend, for the sake of this blog we will call her Becca.

So the message went something like this………..

So it’s blog day right………..

It is, but unfortunately I can’t bear to write a blog about missing someone when I still miss ‘her’

So why are you trying to force yourself to feel a certain way, you’re always so open and honest and if you feel like you can’t be with this one then change the blog.

Hit me like a tatty football to the face in the school playground on a cold January morning.

But she was right, why am I trying to cover up the fact that I still miss her??

This is exactly what my blogs are all about, being brutally and vulnerably honest for no other reason than its empowering for me, and if it resonates with someone then even better.

It’s almost like i’m ashamed to miss her, as if it’s some form of weakness.

None of us like to feel weak and powerless but missing someone and admitting to missing someone is no less than a strength in my opinion,

Let me explain….

Missing someone only proves that what you felt for them was real, and if you really loved them like you said you did, then this is only normal and shows just how much love you have to give, which I think is a strength,

Ever heard the phrase

‘how can you love someone and not love yourself??’

Again if you can love someone that much and you still miss them long after they are gone, then it just shows that you love yourself and are capable of giving that much love out.

Also if you can admit that you truly miss someone, not just when times are tough or you’ve had a shit day, but when you are happy and want to share whatever positive experience you’re having with them, then you are comfortable and confident in who you are to be vulnerable which again is another strength.

Unfortunately far too many of us are scared of looking vulnerable and weak through fear of being judged, all it does when you are being authentic and showing up as the real you is give everyone around you permission to also be themselves which creates much more of a stronger connection, not only to eachother but to yourselves aswell.

Remember life is all about connections.

Recently i’ve been having this dream over and over again and I don’t know whether there is something in it or whether i’m having that dream because I want it to happen and when i’m asleep I am slipping into the reality that I want rather than the one I have created when I open my eyes.

The thing is, i’m a hopeless romantic,  a soppy fucker if you will, but I am a firm believer in the universe giving us what we need when we need it and i’m currently trying to decipher if the dreams are the universes way of showing me something to almost pose the question,

Is this what you want…………

Truth is,

I don’t know.

Part of me feels like the last year had to happen (I can only speak for myself) in order for me to address some issues and insecurities I had and really understand what it is I want from life,

But the other part of me is thinking that served it’s purpose for both of us and it’s time to move on.

I haven’t been on a date for almost 8 months and definitely haven’t got emotionally attached to anyone and I know this is why i’m currently feeling like this because it’s got to the point now where i’m kind of on the edge of the platform,

Do I step back and continue to wait or do I step forward onto the train and allow it to take me to my next destination………

This is my biggest fear and if i’m completely honest scares the absolute crap out of me,

What if I step onto the train and then my dream becomes reality when i’m already on my new journey?

What if I step back and miss the train I should of stepped onto?

Unfortunately the only way I will know is to either do one or the other, after all that’s all I can do, react based on how i’m feeling today right at this very second and that’s all we can ever do, make a decision based on where we currently are now.

I have butterflies in my stomach as i’m sitting here typing this and just had to pause for 5 minutes to just stare out my window,

Do I know what I want?

Do we ever know what we want?

Everything around us right now is just an external picture of the choices we’ve made and continue to make every minute of every day.

Can I even face putting myself out there again potentially to end up in this same position writing another blog about the lessons i’ve learnt.

All that matters is right now, not yesterday, not tomorrow but now, right this very second because that is all we’ve got and that is all we will ever have, feel what you’re feeling, don’t force yourself to feel a certain way and just accept that you are doing the best you can do right now.

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