So You’ve struggled coming to terms with the break-up and now you have an even bigger mountain to climb………….
Learning how to get over your ex,
^^^ This is where the real work begins!
After the break-up, you spent a lot of time sedating yourself and looking for things that would give you instant gratification, like drink, drugs and food this not only was unhealthy but the real devil was the guilt and shame this vicious cycle brought about.
Sunday afternoon after the night before and reality begins to kick in………..
You sit there dry-mouthed, and spaced out feeling like your life is going down the pan but this time is different, You make a promise to yourself that now you are going to finally take back control of your life and really start focusing on becoming the person you want to be.
For months you have felt as if you are never going to get over your ex, everything you do reminds you of them, you even find yourself doing things and going to certain places in the hope you will bump into them and rekindle what has been lost, if you’re fortunate enough you might even ‘see’ them only to realise that it wasn’t actually them,
But what i’ve come to realise is that,
You’re not going to get over them, and an even bigger realisation I had is (this one is the game changer) that’s it’s ok!
You will still think about them from time to time,
You will still care about them,
Things will still remind you of them,
And you may even still miss them,
But to truly get over someone you have to be ok with the fact getting over someone doesn’t mean you will never think about them again.
See the thing about break-ups is that everyone close to you becomes the expert………
They all think they know exactly what you need to be doing,
Spend time with friends,
Focus on your work,
Sleep with someone else,
But the truth is these are all just distraction techniques, and the fact of the matter is, you need to address your feelings and not hide from them, no amount of socialising, fucking or exercising will help you understand your feelings.
The Swiss psychologist Carl Jung said “what you resist, persists”
So by forcing yourself to get over your ex as quickly as possible you are only hindering the healing process.
You need to allow yourself to grieve, and you should not feel ashamed that you still think about them, because this is all part of the journey to loving yourself again.
You spend the rest of Sunday thinking about the areas of your life you want to improve, and the parts of your personality you want to work on,
After all this is what makes us human and we all have areas we can improve.
Monday morning you wake up and things just feel different, I don’t mean that suddenly everything is now all sunshine and unicorns, but you no longer feel this burning desire to remain loyal to your ‘love story’ that has taken over the last few months of your life.
You are now ready to start focusing on the most important relationship you will ever have…………
The relationship you have with yourself.
I realised that my biggest flaw is that I base my whole self worth around what I have to offer, not just financially although that is a big part, but emotionally as well, I take on peoples problems like they are my own and completely forget about myself in the pursuit of making them happy.
I had to learn that as much as I want to help people, I am not here purely just to save anyone, in fact, none of us need to be saved because we always have a choice,
You can help someone, but you can’t save them.
Now is your time to think about you, what you want from life and focus on the things that excite you.
For me I love writing, reading and going to tea rooms especially by the sea, and now I can do these things whenever I want.
I now have a Thursday Dan date where I wake up and decide what it is I want to do that day, purely just because I want to do it, most dates are focused around the cinema, coffee shops and reading, I’ve been called weird for doing a lot of things on my own but I genuinely love these days now.
Instead of looking at the things in you’re life that you are lacking, I found stripping it right back and investing more time and energy into the things I enjoy and that make me feel good, and less on the exact opposite.
Think about all them things you wanted to do when you were in a relationship, but didn’t because you put their wants before yours, well now is the time to be more selfish and feel ok saying no.
Remember this is now your time to fall on love with yourself again and improve on your flaws, you are not who you were yesterday and tomorrow you won’t be who you are today and this is the beauty of life, we are forever evolving and we can become the person we have always wanted to, if we put in the work and not distract ourselves with instant gratification.
This is going to be really hard and at times you will slip up and fall back into bad habits where that Sunday reality check feeling will plague you, you will get lonely at times and you may even message your ex, but please DO NOT GIVE UP, your future self will thank you.
Become the person that you are proud of every single day, and never forget how amazing you are even with your flaws and mistakes you’ve made!
I want to leave you with a line that i’m sure someone else has said but i’m claiming,
‘I am not single, I am in a committed loving relationship with myself’
This is an entry in my journal a few weeks after splitting up, and what i’ve learnt is that it was ME missing Dan, I lost myself but i’m now so proud of the person I am today, I enjoy my life and have so much to be thankful for!
This has all been a necessary part of my journey of self development and for that I am forever grateful.