The first alarm of your new single life………..
After a shit nights sleep, you wake up in your bed alone for the first time in a long while.
The first thing you do is reach over to your bed side cabinet for your iphone, or android if you’re one of ‘them’ people, so you can begin the months of social media profile stalking.
You’ve got so many things going through your head this morning,
The thought of someone else near them,
The thought of someone else kissing them, sleeping with them, even sitting on the sofa next to them.
Why is this the first thing we think of when splitting up with someone???
You cancel your days plans and any work commitments you have, and begin day 1 of the grieving process at home, alone.
All you can think of, is wanting to speak to your ex, and making everything ok, even referring to them as your ex feels massively uncomfortable.
If you’re fortunate enough, you will have that 1 person you confide in, that is there for you no matter what, and they go through the break up with you.
For me I was lucky enough to have 2-3 people, but 1 in particular was my brothers girlfriend, who I owe so much to, as I don’t think she realises just how much she helped me!
You will get a lot of people giving you the ‘normal’ advice, you need to focus on you and move on etc etc, you know all the stuff you don’t want to hear, but if you have an ABIGAIL like I do, then you can open up completely, knowing that being your true vulnerable self is ok, and you won’t get judged.
The amount of times I went over conversations and situations with Abigail, and she was still there to offer me support, even if it was the 5th time that week she’d heard me say the same thing, without this I would of been in a far worse place than what I was.
There comes a time when you will start to feel embarrassed, and almost ashamed that you still want to talk about your ex, and it’s at this point that you really have to learn to stop leaning on your Abigail quite so much and find ways to cope on your own.
^^^This is where you really begin to heal and grow as a person, it’s like that time your dad took you out on your bike, for the first time without stabilisers, and didn’t run along side you, sometimes you still fell, but the more you went out on your own, the better you got at moving forward.
I really do think social media is awesome, it’s got so many positives, but on the other side of the coin, it can create unhealthy relationships and obsessions, and definitely makes a breakup that much harder, and in my opinion prolongs the healing process.
I found myself looking every opportunity I got, sometimes I would honestly say it must of been upwards of 20 times a day.
A new profile picture is uploaded, so you find yourself looking even more, just to see who of the opposite sex has liked it, or commented on it.
You end up getting so obsessed, and so good at stalking, that you end up so far away from your exes profile in a completely random corner of Facebook, on someones profile you’ve never heard of, and just looking through their pictures to see if you’re ex has liked any, or if you’re really obsessed you will even check their status updates aswell.
I got so good at this, that I worked out who my ex was in a new relationship with before it was even Facebook official,
Yeah I was that bad.
As time goes on, you find yourself looking less and less at their profile, and even telling yourself just before you were about to that you shouldn’t look, this is such an amazing feeling when you get to this point!
For me this was about 4 months after the breakup, and I could begin to look at the relationship much more objectively.
I began to question things that were said, if the feelings they said they felt were actually true, if I could of done anything differently, if I didn’t fall so head over heels would things be different, all these things can drive you crazy especially when you still love your ex but again, are all part of the healing process.
The hardest part of a breakup, is seeing them with someone else, this will really hit you deep in the chest and actually cause you physical pain,
Loads of emotions will be going through your body,
You will begin wondering if they fancy them more than you,
If they make them happier than you did,
If they are better in bed (yes we all question that),
If they make them laugh more,
If they hold hands like you used to,
If they kiss passionately like you used to,
If they cuddle on the sofa while watching a dvd like you used to on your indian and wine night,
If they can see more of a future with them, than they did when things were good between you two,
You tell yourself that you are glad they have found someone that makes them happy, but deep down you want them to come to their senses and everything go back to how they were when they were amazing.
Love is a funny concept, I get that if you love them you want them to be happy, but at the same time, if you love yourself, you want yourself to be happy, and all you can think of is how happy you would be with them, and how happy you know you can make them again.
If you are lucky enough to still have you’re Abigail there for you, you will know that she has not once told you to move on,
But everyone else has,
You are now beginning to toy with the idea of moving on and what it would feel like to be in another relationship again, but every time you do, you can only see your exes face, and you still have that 1% of hope that you will both be able to sort things out, and can finally live the life you both used to talk about.
While that 1% of hope is there, moving on is an impossibility, because by moving on, you are hammering the final nail into the coffin, and this is just something you are not ready to do yet.
Just like going over parts of your relationship will drive you crazy, so will holding on to that 1% of hope, if you let it.
6 months on and you can begin to look back over the breakup right from day 1, and understand why it happened, and the things you needed to learn about relationships, life and more importantly yourself.
I have never looked so deep into who I am and questioned absolutely everything, from past experiences, to future dreams, it’s been mentally and physically exhausting, and i’d go as far as saying as this was one of the hardest things I have ever been through, purely because it took me to places I didn’t want to go, and unless you have experienced true heartbreak, you will always think the best advice to give is ‘just move on.’
As you start to come out the other side, you will realise that you have grown into a completely different person, and if you have done the necessary work, you will be proud of the person you are today.
I’ve learnt so much, and i’m genuinely happy in myself now, but it took me a good 6 months and alot of struggle and tears to get here,
My biggest piece of advice if you are going through a breakup, is to not force yourself to feel a certain way, if you are upset or angry or drained, just accept that you are healing and your mind and your body are dealing with this the only way it knows how, don’t force it and don’t beat yourself up.
I can now honestly say I want her to be happy and I no longer have any negative emotions towards our relationship,
I was madly in love and completely forgot to take care of me in the process, which was my own fault,
Life will always teach you the lessons you need to learn so you can grow into the person you are destined to be.
In the words of Myles Kennedy from my favourite song Watch over you,
“How can you love someone and not yourself”